“AITA for calling out my friend for ‘helping’ me in a way that was actually sabotaging me?”
I (24m) have a friend, “Leo” (24m), who I’ve known since high school. He’s the type who always wants to be the “fixer” in the group, giving advice even when nobody asks. It’s usually annoying but not a huge deal.
A few months ago, I started working toward a goal that’s really important to me. I’m not trying to make this sound dramatic, but it’s the first time in a while I’ve felt genuinely motivated and proud of myself. I told my friends because I was excited, and Leo immediately offered to “help keep me accountable.”
At first it sounded nice. He made a group chat, asked me to share updates, and started sending reminders.
But then it got weird.
If I didn’t answer fast, he’d send messages like “guess you already gave up lol” or “should I lower my expectations?” If I said I was tired or had a rough day, he’d say I was making excuses. When I did make progress, he’d reply with stuff like “finally” or “about time.” It didn’t feel like support, it felt like he was waiting for me to fail so he could be right.
The worst part is he started telling other people about my “slip-ups.” Like, if I skipped something one day, he’d mention it in front of friends, laughing, like it was a joke. I told him privately that it bothered me and that I’d rather keep my updates between us. He said I was being sensitive and that “real accountability isn’t comfy.”
Last week, I hit a point where I was overwhelmed, and I told him I needed a break from the group chat and the comments. He responded with “sure, run away. classic.” I snapped and said something like: “you’re not helping, you’re just acting superior and trying to turn my progress into a scoreboard.”
He got quiet, then told me I was ungrateful and that he put time into “helping” me, and now I’m attacking him. He also said I embarrassed him because I called him out in front of two other friends (we were all on voice chat when it happened). I’ll admit I did say it in the moment and not in a calm, private way.
Now the friend group is split. Some people say Leo was being a jerk and I finally stood up for myself. Others are saying I could have handled it better and that I basically accused him of sabotaging me when he “meant well.”
I’m honestly questioning myself because I do hate conflict, and I know I raised my voice. But, I also feel like I was being chipped at for weeks and he wouldn’t stop. AITA for calling him out and saying his “accountability” was sabotaging me?
(important info: I never asked him to make a group chat or to share my updates with others, and I did tell him privately twice that I didn’t like the jokes before I snapped.)
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NotOnlineDuh
So this person is a passive aggressive bully who seems to like public humiliation. He had the chance to stop and apologize when you told him in private, he didn’t. Sounds like the people on his side are equally nonconfrontational and/or simply not your friends too.
Theres plenty of well known support groups – none of them operate out of a principle of shame, but positive reinforcement. Saying “Finally” ain’t it. NTA, and good luck with your goals!
No_Use_9124
NTA Dump this awful abusive person. If you want accountability, hire a nice therapist and make yourself accountable. Tell him you’ll be doing this on your own and his comments about your personal goals are inappropriate. Whoever sides w/this jerk? Good riddance.
yellohello1001
Nah he’s being a jerk. I could understand some people like tough love, but once you made it clear that’s not what you wanted, he should have backed off. NTA.
MorganFreemanCoPilot
NTA. Tell Leo that if that’s the sort of help he’s offering, he can save his time. You had no issues being accountable to yourself before and you’ll be ok going forward. Leo can worry about himself.
AlexAutoAxe
NTA It sounds like hes got some alpha male jagoff energy, like “Real accountability isnt comfy?” who tf is this dude. If anything, Id apologize, and tell him that wasnt the kind of help you need, you no long require it, and you both were in the wrong. For you, not speaking up sooner, or in a way where his thick head could comprehend it was insulting. And him for insulting and acting like a weirdo.
Major_Equivalent4814
NTA Leo is absolutely TA. Could you have set a boundary earlier, sure but you did try to speak to him privately and he dismissed you. If the group really is split maybe y’all need to actually sit down together and discuss it like adults. Going forward nip this kind of behavior in the bud right quick.
joe_frank
NTA. Being a good friend and offering support would be him checking in every once in a while to see if you need any help, motivation, wise words, etc. He’s putting himself in a win-win situation and you in a lose-lose situation. If you fail, he’ll claim he knew all along and that’s why he tried to offer you support. If you succeed, he’ll claim you succeeded because of his motivation.
If you fail, you look like a failure in front of everybody. If you succeed, Leo will claim the success is his. I know it’s tough when he’s part of a larger friend group, but I’d personally distance myself from a “friend” who purposes tries to put me in a lose-lose situation, especially when they know it’s related to a massive goal of mine.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
