My bf (33) has a niece (10 y/o) who he has been helping raise since she was 6 months. I was told her mom and dad were not involved. When we first decided to get serious I knew about his niece and his role in her life but did not realize the extent of his role.
When I first met her she was a nice kid but the second time I met her, it was terrible. We went to the aquarium and she wanted an ice cream so when we sat down so she could eat, my bf shared a funny video with me from his phone.
After watching it and laughing and talking about the video I turned and looked at his niece and she had thrown her ice cream down on the table and was crying. He then asked her what’s wrong and she proceeded to look at me and then back at him.
Right then I knew this would be trouble. After he calmed her down he basically ignored me the rest of the time to keep her happy. She had started crying because he showed me a video and not her and felt left out.
After we dropped her off, he tried to apologize and I told him I was left feeling uncomfortable. I felt like I was a bother to them, something like a 3rd wheel. He told me he was just trying to make the rest of her time there happy for her. I ended up letting it go but told him he needed to talk to her and let her know I wasn’t going anywhere. He agreed.
Fast forward months later, my bf and I planned a trip out of town so he could race in a running marathon. He then proceeded to tell me that his niece wanted to come. I asked if that was a good idea since I hadn’t seen her since the aquarium issue. He said he talked to her and just wanted to have a good weekend. I agreed and decided to give her another chance.
We picked her up that morning of the trip and not even an hour into it she was already crying. She cried mostly all day so his attention was of course on her. I tried to be sympathetic and let him do his thing but noticed anytime he showed me any attention she would start crying.
I bought us tickets to watch a movie she kept asking for and she cried not wanting to watch it when we got there. Then nighttime came and she had agreed to sleep on her own bed but then when she saw my bf lay down next to me the water works started and she did not want him laying with me.
He then jokingly told me “hey I’m gonna sleep with cry baby in her bed, ok?” I was fuming because I know it was intentional. She was literally just sitting there fine until she saw me and him together. Then I was fuming because instead of talking to her he gave in.
The next day we were at the mall and him and her were holding hands walking in front of me basically leaving me out while they chit chatted and enjoyed each other. By the end of the day my bf said “what’s wrong? You’ve barely spoken a word to me?” As if I could.
Then later on when he was finally talking to me showing me attention, his niece kept interrupting us. I knew once again what she was doing. It is the end of the trip now and after replaying everything in my head, I want to end this. However I know he’s going to try and throw it in my face that she’s a little girl who has abandonment issues and is just scared of losing him.
I understand that however I don’t agree with how she’s being brought up. I don’t feel she should be getting her way every time she cries for something. Am I harsh? does that make me the AH?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
asafeplaceofrest
NTA – your bf will just have to wait until niece grows up before he can get serious with anyone. You don’t have to put up with this. And don’t be afraid of him throwing it in your face. You just need to stand up to it and say no, this is final. I’m not interested in living in this kind of scenario.
Cali_Holly
NTA. I call absolute BS on the boyfriend. The niece is simply learning to manipulate her Uncle. And she’ll continue doing it. Her behavior isn’t sustainable for the long run. Tell bf that he needs to hold her accountable for her behavior and reassure her that he’ll always love her and support her.
BUT, he’s not going to give up his adult relationships and she needs to learn to share him. ALSO……..he needs to stop telling her who he is going to see or what events he is attending with his girlfriend. She is a child. She doesn’t need to know her Uncles personal life and relationships.
EnergizerOU812
I agree that he needs to set boundaries for his niece. However, I believe OP needs to bounce, because he’s not going to, at least for the immediate future. He’s weak and naive, which his niece has figured out, and manipulates him, accordingly.
I dealt with this sort of thing when I got together with my ex and her kids. The boy had his momma wrapped around his finger. I was too young, dumb, and optimistic to see that until I had wasted way more time than it was worth.
I’ve come to the decision that getting romantically involved with someone who has ANY children living at home, whether that kid is a minor or not, is a big no for me. OP, cut your losses.
SonOfSchrute
NTA. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is so not good at parenting?
DivinaWilsoss
NAH, but your bf is failing both of you by not setting boundaries with his niece, she’s acting out ‘cause she’s scared, but coddling her ain’t helping, and you shouldn’t have to compete with a 10-years old for basic attention.
Luckylychee3
Your relationship isn’t going to work out if she can’t even peacefully be around you. You can’t wait for her to grow up and move out before having any kind of future with your boyfriend. Don’t listen to the comments saying you’re jealous of a kid, you clearly aren’t and are frustrated by her actions that target you. NTA.
Then next day OP updated the post in the comments:
Answering some questions/Update: I am 32 yo and I have a daughter who is 13. She was on the trip with us however I left her out of my post because my daughter wanted no part in this when the nieces behavior started. My bf is very good with my daughter, they get along well and when it’s just us 3 we always have a good time.
My bf and I dated for about a year and a half, just recently making it serious around march of this year so in total of 2 years. During this time I’ve spent time with his niece 3 times before the trip. First time she was super sweet and nice, as was I. Second time she was super sweet as well but definitely had some sassy remarks which I didn’t make a big deal over.
It was Valentine’s Day and he had taken my daughter and I and his niece to breakfast after giving us a valentines gift. After breakfast he told me he was taking his niece to the mall because she saw the gift he gave my daughter and she cried over that then asked if he’d get her another gift bigger than my daughters. (Cue the start of the manipulation!)
Third time was the aquarium. He also mentioned to me how she saw that he had a heart by my name in his phone and when she checked her name she had 2 hearts so she went and deleted my heart and went and added 3 more hears to her name in his phone. This isn’t a big deal but I feel it’s an important detail considering people don’t think she’s being manipulative lol
During the rest of the trip when my bf had gotten down at the store his niece asked me how I felt being invited on THEIR trip? Mind you, my bf and I planned this trip together including him joining a running marathon where I had to watch his niece so I knew this wasn’t true.
Then she overheard me on the phone saying I was with my bf and once I hung up she then started questioning me asking when did we become bf and gf? When did we start talking? When did we meet? When I finally confronted my bf about these questions she asked he said “idk why she would say that she knew y’all were coming from the beginning when I asked her if she wanted to go.
She knows we are together because she asks all the time so I’m not sure where she’s getting that from.” To me this confirms she has some ill intent toward me when I’ve been nothing but nice to her.
After finally coming home from the trip my bf and I had a talk and basically I was told that she’s a kid and has problems and that I’m making a big deal over nothing. I told him that if you have to hide your affection towards me when she’s not looking to not upset her to where she cries then there is an issue. He feels that as a woman I’m not by his side through this.
I told him from the start I didn’t want to date someone with kids, he said he didn’t have kids. Then he brought up the niece after months of dating therefore I was a little blindsided. I knew she existed but did not know how involved he was until he brought it up months after. He typically sees her a few times a week when he has to pick her up or watch her while her grandma (who has full custody) works.
Speaking of the grandma, on the car ride home she FaceTimed her grandma and the grandma said “you have to stay with your uncle tonight” and the niece said “ok” and when she told my bf he did look a little thrown off because he said “I’ll have to talk to her about that.” When I brought that up to my bf I said is this how our future will be?
What if we had plans for the next morning? What if you were busy working? That seems pretty crazy to just demand something like that from someone who you haven’t even asked if they were busy or not. Anyways long story short, he thinks I’m over doing this whole trip and that I should want to help him with her since she doesn’t have anyone else.
It’s not that I don’t want to help or wouldn’t but if you’re not gonna discipline or correct her behavior then I’m sorry I can’t deal with that. My own daughter doesn’t do this so why would I put up with that from someone else? And it’s not even their kid.
