The relevant beginning details; his ex tormented him for years with infidelity, we both didn’t date for over 5 years before meeting, I was a heavy drinker before and throughout our year of dating until now so I’ve had some personality changes in sobriety. He’s always been paranoid about infidelity, and I thought it would improve now that we aren’t wasted and belligerent anymore but my sobriety is backfiring.He’s suspicious every day because now I’m showering and dressing well and I already explained to him that it’s a sign of my depression improving. I sent him a picture of the counselor check-in at my outpatient rehab (which I attend all day 5 days a week) which literally asks about improvements to withdrawal symptoms, appetite, and hygiene habits.I apologized for not being my best self for him this last year and that I understood how it can raise concern that I’m suddenly improving myself. Then I tried to include him in my hygiene like picking out my nail polish colour and inviting him to shower together.But then it gets worse since rehab is very big on building a community of sober companions. I have already tried to invite him to try these sober buddy groups with me but he’s kinda antisocial. I finally went out to a sober group hang out/movie on Friday. This is the first social event I’ve had in years.At first he was happy when I got home with extra food from the restaurant for him. It quickly turned into him asking for my paper ticket for the movie but I only had an emailed QR code which he declared could be fake until I showed him the official logos and legitimate links. THEN it turned into me supposedly ditching my sober friends to go f and sneak back at the end of the movie.
- Cannot. Win.
I’ve repeatedly tried to explain that he won’t ever be able to see me 24/7 and adults just have to take the step to trust each other. I’ve angrily declared he has the object permanence of a toddler.Even before the changes in sobriety he’s had multiple accusations, nearly weekly and I consider some to be absolutely unhinged.Supposedly I must have screwed my elderly landlord for years because how could a man not “comfort” a grieving widow? (Nevermind my own preference for age or attractiveness and you know…being a traumatized widow!).Even though everyone in our departments knew we were dating he believed any guy who told him they got my phone number/BJ/immature guy shit. I didn’t even work in the same area or break room as the guys.Claimed that our boss was hiring boys under 18 to stop me from screwing everyone at work! (This is when I lost it and started saying he needs therapy).Decided I was lingering too long and giving “f- me eyes” to a guy operating a narrow forklift to move produce. He refused to enter the grocery store for weeks, he would sulk in the car and snap at me to go get the guy’s number while I got the groceries.Any time I walk out on an argument he shouts at me “yeah go run away to go screw your landlord/dude!” doesn’t even matter if the argument was related to infidelity in the first place.I threatened him if he accused me of screwing my old landlord anymore or kept constantly disrespecting me with implications that I’m a lying slut that I’d leave permanently. But I buckled and stayed. Note: He’s never accepted fully breaking up whenever I’ve tried to put my foot down.I have begged and pleaded and questioned him; what does he hope to accomplish with these constant accusations? It seems that a guilty confession is the only thing he wants from me. I’ve told him this unproven paranoia is making both of us pissed off and miserable.My confidence is destroyed that after a year he still chooses to look at me in such a heinous disgusting light and spends his hours at work constantly thinking about it. He always feels justified in accusing me because of his ex and Google results for “signs of cheating.”It peaked this weekend when he shouted that occasionally I’ve been “loose” during intimacy but not since we moved out of town so obviously I was cheating the entire time. That finally broke my heart. Later he tried to backtrack and claim he only said it in anger to hurt me and that he wasn’t serious, but the damage is done.I can’t even imagine having intimacy with him anymore. Our bedroom life is destroyed, at least on my end. I’m nearly broken but of course there’s the classic addendum that we’ve had great times I don’t want to lose. Obviously the relationship problems aren’t one sided; I’m not innocent of my own emotional BS, which hasn’t been fair to him, and I need to improve on that.I still believe the relationship could be salvaged; if he could finally just listen or look into himself and stop feeding his paranoia and punishing me for it. I don’t know how else to explain it to him. What other angle can I bring to the table?TL;DR: Boyfriend can’t stop constantly accusing me of cheating, even in outlandish ways, because of his ex and it’s chipping away at me every day to be accused of such malicious disgusting actions to the point I can’t even enjoy our sex life. I don’t know how to get it through to him.And because there’s always one idiot on the internet I’ll have to specify; NO I haven’t cheated on him or even been tempted. Likewise, I completely trust him so I don’t think it’s a projection of guilt. Edit: By “doesn’t accept fully breaking up” what I mean is I don’t understand why he stays if he’s convinced he’s right that I’m a dirty lying cheat?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
hot_literature7305 wrote:
It’s called Othello Syndrome and it doesn’t get better without serious psychological help and that isn’t a guarantee that it ever will go away. You need to evaluate your own life and needs and decide if you’re ok dealing with some level of this for the rest of your life. He has a mental illness that makes him believe that you’re cheating.
He doesn’t see his behaviour as anything other than logical and reasonable and it wouldn’t matter who he was dating because it’s his illness running the show.
It’s a pretty severe one. If he’s not willing to see how sick his behaviour is and get real help then you should leave because when it’s the man who has this syndrome the women often end up assaulted or worse. These people can twist anything into proof of cheating.
MiloTheMagnificent wrote:
Jesus Christ just break up with this guy. “I only said those things to cause you pain” is not an apology. He is unhinged and he WILL escalate. He wants to hurt you do you think he will stop at verbal harm? Do you want to be there when he decides you need to be punished with physical violence? Just walk away. He is as harmful to you as booze
MsChrissikins wrote:
Sis, you don’t have to accept this. This isn’t healthy. This isn’t normal. This is your current normal and it’s absolutely unacceptable. Please, please, please love yourself enough- or even LIKE yourself enough not to put up with this kind of behavior from a GROWN MAN.
Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy that you’ve been with him so long you have to put up with this kind of behavior…you don’t. He needs therapy to conquer his own demons, but just because he’s gone through some crap in the past doesn’t give him some right to use you as an emotional punching bag. This isn’t it…
slinky999 wrote:
You’re missing the approach of breaking up. This is deeply unhealthy, and you deserve better. Love is never enough, and he is being a**sive. You can’t convince an abuser not to abuse you, you need to muster up every ounce of self-esteem you have and break up. There are no other options that protect your peace and self-worth.
