AITA for wanting to divorce my wife for enabling my son to harass one of his classmates?
(Throwaway account, I apologize for typos and grammatical errors)
I (38m) and my wife (38f) have been together for 18 years and married 13. My wife has always been this sweet woman with a very strong sense of justice. She always expressed her distain towards people who treated others like dirt. Before marriage, we had a son (16) who we raised to treat people with respect and align with our morals and he had always been such a sweet kid.
Well that was until we found out he was downright tormenting this kid in his class for months. My son and a group of his friends were bullying this boy for coming from a low income background and not having “real” parents (he was being raised by his grandmother). They took any of the very little money he had or was given, as well as any treasured items of his regardless of the expense. They physically harmed him when he didn’t want to give them money or had no money to give.
We found this out by getting a call from our son’s school one day and they called us in. They informed us of everything. I didn’t want to believe it. My son who I knew would’ve never done this. Nevertheless, when I asked my son, he confessed to everything. He looked guilty, but he looked as guilty as you would be for accidentally stepping on someone’s shoe. My wife also looked upset at him but once again like it was something small. When we saw the boy who my son was hurting he was covered in cuts and bruises and I couldn’t believe my son had done this to another boy. His grandmother also looked like she had been crying for hours.
I felt horrible. My son got suspended for 3 weeks OOS and charges will most likely be pressed. I genuinely don’t know how to process this or fathom what I’ve done to raise such a cruel kid. I immediately grounded him from everything including devices, going outside without supervision, and did so much other things but I feel like it wasn’t enough punishment for him. I’m nauseated by the thought of everything he’s done and I feel like he deserves more ramifications but I don’t know what else I could possibly do.
My wife however seemed to immediately get over it. In fact she told me I was too harsh. She just gave him a slap on the wrist and downplayed it like they were 5 year olds at a playground who called each other stupid names but would easily get over it. This young boy my son and his friends tortured will probably have to deal with this trauma for years or even for life, and you’re treating it like it’s a silly altercation? She also told me something along the lines of “boys will be boys, you should know this”. Boys roughhouse and get into conundrums playfully; boys do not abuse other boys for their background or simply just for fun.
I snapped and yelled at her saying that her treating the situation like this was horrible and she needs to learn basic empathy. That poor boy had to endure the pain and couldn’t get attention for his wounds while our son was getting affirmation for inflicting the pain on him. My wife snapped back and said I was overreacting. I told her she wouldn’t be acting like this if it was our son in this situation. She just responded by calling me a list of derogatory names that I don’t want to repeat. I feel like she’s not the same person after this.
Neither my son nor wife will talk to me, unless I apologize to them which is what my wife said. I don’t know what I could possibly apologize for. I don’t know why she’s making me apologize to them when she’s made no effort have our son apologize to the boy he’s been hurting for months. My wife has also been very passive aggressive and yesterday she left to “stay at a friend’s house” with our son. My son has also just not been talking to me at all, convinced he was in the right.
I want to divorce her. I’m disgusted in her actions of allowing this indirectly and I’m even more repulsed at my son for doing this to another human being.
Maybe I am overreacting or being an irrational asshole, maybe a divorce is too harsh but I’ll never be able to see her as the same person after this. I don’t want to be with someone who treats abuse like it’s just a small shenanigan, especially when she’s been so adamant on having people like my son get a punishment twice as painful as the victim endured. I don’t know what to do with my son. I don’t know what to do with myself.
Am I the asshole? Is it possible I can just talk this through with them and get over it or am I just being irrational for wanting divorce?
