WIBTA if I skip my brother’s wedding because he uninvited my husband over a “joke”?

my brother Jake (32M) is getting married in two months and I’m (29F) supposed to be a bridesmaid. or I was supposed to be.

background: my husband Tim (30M) and Jake have never really gotten along. they’re just different people. Tim’s quiet and kind of nerdy, Jake’s loud and into sports. they’ve always been civil but not friends.

last month we had a family bbq at my parents’ house. everyone was drinking, things were relaxed. Jake and his buddies were talking about the bachelor party and one of them joked about strippers. Tim, trying to join in the conversation for once, made a comment like “well at least you’ll finally see a woman naked” or something dumb like that.

it was obviously a joke. everyone laughed including Jake’s fiancée Sarah. Tim doesn’t usually joke around so I was actually happy he was trying.

but Jake got PISSED. like immediately in Tim’s face saying “what the fuck did you just say to me” and Tim was like “dude it was a joke, relax” and Jake shoved him. my dad had to get between them.

Jake stormed off and wouldn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day.

I texted him the next day to smooth things over. he said Tim “disrespected him in front of his friends” and that he “never liked Tim anyway and now he has a reason.”

then three days ago Sarah texts me. says they’ve decided Tim is uninvited from the wedding. just Tim. I can still come and be in the bridal party but Tim has to stay home.

I was like absolutely not. if my husband isn’t welcome then neither am I. Sarah said I’m being dramatic and that Jake is the groom so he gets final say on the guest list.

I said that’s fine, he can have his wedding without us then.

now my entire family is blowing up my phone. my mom is crying saying I’m ruining Jake’s wedding. my dad says Tim should just apologize. Jake sent me a long text about how I’m “choosing sides” and “picking Tim over family.”

but here’s the thing. Tim’s joke was dumb but it wasn’t mean-spirited. Jake has said WAY worse shit to Tim over the years and Tim never made it a big deal. Jake called Tim “gay” for not liking football literally at Christmas. I didn’t see him getting uninvited from anything.

and like. Tim is my HUSBAND. we’ve been together 8 years, married for 3.

I’m not going to attend my brother’s wedding alone while my spouse sits at home because Jake can’t take a joke.

my mom says I’m being stubborn and hurting the family. Sarah says I’m making the wedding about me. even my sister thinks I should just go without Tim to “keep the peace.”

but I think it’s insane that they expect me to show up and smile in pictures while my husband is banned.

so WIBTA if I skip the wedding entirely? am I being unreasonable here?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Bubbly-Wallaby-2777 said:

NTA. You’re not ruining your brothers wedding, he’s doing it himself. Just keep repeating “either we both come out neither do, it’s Jake’s choice”. Make sure the family know that Jake said he never liked You’re husband and that this is just an excuse to exclude him.

Only-Readit said:

NTA. Honestly, sounds like there’s some deeper issues hidden inside Jake. And Tim is your family, he is literally your husband so yes, you are choosing family over a wedding that who knows how long that marriage will last with Jake acting like that.

I’d just make it clear to them in a card that you wish them the best. If it’s really important for you to be there, they’ll make sure you and Tim are there. And if not…. Then keeping a distance might be better for you and Tim in the future. Jake is definitely insecure, and possibly hiding something for an outburst like that.

Jynra685 said:

Dude, NTA. Fam or no fam, they can’t expect you to ditch your husband like that. Jake needs to take a chill pill. Your hubby was joking and if Jake can’t see that, it’s smh moment. Stick to your guns sis, you’re totally in the right here.

If they’re blowing up your phone, a simple ‘I stand by my husband’ should shut them up. Remember, you and Tim are a team, bumpy ride or smooth sailing. Don’t let them make you feel bad for doing what’s right.

NathanBrazil2 said:

why would it ruin his wedding if you didnt show? is the guest list 10 people? go to your brother in person and ask him calmly what bothered him so much about tim’s joke. remind him of all the things he has said in the past about tim. tell him tim didnt mean anything by it and explain why you wont go with out him.

Commercial_Cat_3781 said: