Not sure if this counts as a true AITA but here goes

It’s a bit of a long story but bear with me. I’m 36m and met my now wife 45f just under 3 years ago.

We knew right away we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, hell i took on 6 stepkids (5 live with us, other lives with his dad) and we were married after being together about 2 years. I love her to death I love our kids to death. I’m really happy after being so alone for so many years, it’s a bit of a grind with 2 of the kids being additional needs (one is deaf with autism and adhd, the other has adhd and is being assessed for autism)

We got married back in September and we had a wonderful blissful day with many friends and family (admittedly most of the friends were from my side, to the point where one of my friends was the maid of honour) my best woman and maid of honour are also best mates and were an ideal fit for best woman and maid of honour, and they did an awful lot for us, they’ve always been really good to me and are so thrilled I’ve found my happily forever after.

Now here’s where it gets dicey. The maid of honour is getting married in October on my wife’s birthday, and while initially we were both invited for the whole day, I got a message the other day saying unfortunately due to some family members suddenly deciding they’re coming several guests have been bumped to evening only as its a small ceremony max 50 people including the bride and groom. So a few of us have been asked to have our partners just come in the evening.

Now my wife’s maid of honour was also maid of honour to another guest at this wedding and her husband was fine staying home and just coming for the evening. My wife however was not happy to hear this at all. She was in an abusive relationship before me (kids dad) and then spent several years of having birthdays with no company, no family or friends to come see her and having to buy her own presents etc. She only started having decent birthdays for the first time in god knows how long since she met me, she proper goes all out for all the kids on their birthdays and mine, she bakes us custom designed cakes, organises stuff for us, gets us just what we want, and I’ve tried to live up to her example on her birthday, her last birthday I made her a custom cake despite not being able to bake for shit.

So I suggested to my friend we just come to the reception together, to which she is heartbroken that after all she did for my wedding and for how long we’ve been really good friends I would miss her wedding as “I’m only getting married once she will have load of birthdays” but I don’t think she truly gets how devastated my wife will be by choosing to go to the wedding on my own and leaving her for her birthday, or at least a sizable chunk of it at least. So the past 24/48 hours I’ve felt like I’m being dragged apart by two people I love into making some sort of sophie’s choice type decision where I have to break my friends heart or my wife’s heart.

It might be worth noting that since we met I obviously lost a bit of contact with my friends, not just her but the vast majority, after all looking after 5 kids and for the past few months my wife as well as she is suffering from anemia as her iron levels dropped through the floor. For those unaware, besides wounds not healing it comes with a host of other problems, a fatigue that will not shake, not being able to sleep, constantly feeling sick and light headed, digestive problems, the works. And it is such a slow and grueling climb back up to normal levels taking iron tablets that make you really nauseous for hours. So Mt friends have seen me as a bit absent and during Christmas when we went out for a Christmas do for it, when I said I may not be able to make it I was told if I don’t show up it may be the nail in the coffin of out friendship. When we got there the best woman and maid of honour barely spoke to us and my wife is convinced they have a problem with her as she tried a few times to engage them in conversation and they didn’t really converse back, and I got a similarly chilly response.

I spoke to my best woman earlier on the phone and she gets the predicament I’m in, and like she said ultimately the choice is up to me, and I wanna be there for my wife, but I don’t wanna risk losing a friend. A very good friend. My wife couldn’t sleep last night cos she felt like a terrible person for wanting me to stay with her on her birthday, she doesn’t even want to go to the evening now.

So yeah AITA?

Also if you got this far congrats

TLDR my wife’s maid of honour, one of my best friends can only allocate me to her wedding which is on my wife’s birthday, which has always been a horrible day for my wife in the past and now it’s either I go to the wedding and my wife is heartbroken or I stay with my wife on her birthday and potentially lose one of my best friends