AITAH for thinking my multimillionaire brother would help me financially in a crisis?
I (39F) had a wonderful and close relationship with my brother (44M) for most of our lives. We have years of inside jokes and fun memories together. About ten years ago, I would have considered him among my best friends. We also both suffer from panic disorder, anxiety disorder, and grief and trauma from losing my dad ten years ago to cancer. This bonded us further, as we shared those difficult experiences.
There is so much context here that it would take hours to write out, but the basics are: 1) my brother married a woman who has a lot of mental health issues and very difficult personality traits, 2) My brother became extremely financially successful (I would estimate at least 25 million, if not more), 3) I married and had a child, 4) I had a full panic disorder crisis last spring, resulting in leaving my job, 5) I have struggled to find work since, despite applying, upskilling, trying entrepreneurial ventures, updating resume, LinkedIn, etc. 6) My financial situation got so bad due to this that we were at risk of losing our home, car, and/or going bankrupt.
My brother had always offered help financially if we needed it, and in the past we always turned it down. However, recently, he changed his mind. He suddenly started avoiding offering any financial help. He has continued to spend his money on things like redoing his entire backyard and adding a pool to the tune of 80k+, traveling abroad and paying for a nanny for his children while he does, buying an extra home, etc. Whenever I would mention my financial issues, he would change the subject.
One month ago I finally broke down and addressed it. I called and asked him if he would help us if it meant saving us from bankruptcy or losing our home or car. I didn’t ask for any specific amount, just whether or not he would help. He said no.
I feel completely gutted that my brother would refuse to help me in a time of crisis when he has the means. We haven’t spoken since. There is so much more context here, but I have been a really good sister to him and aunt to his sons. I haven’t been able to offer anything financially, but I have treated his children like my own, and quietly endured many issues with his wife, trying to be understanding that she has her own struggles like everyone else. I have tried to keep our family together despite the traumatic loss of my dad 10 years ago. My entire life he has positioned himself like a third parent to me – very protective, but also very supportive. Suddenly he seems to want no part of my family life and explicitly said he will not help financially. The only reason that he has given was that his wife makes things difficult for him to manage. However, she is not behind the decision to not help financially. I truly believe that came from him.
I’ve been crying every day, and I’ve written ten different letters that I haven’t sent.
I think at its core, regardless of context, I am wondering if I am wrong to hope that my brother would help me financially in an extreme crisis. The past year of my life has been extremely difficult. I have clawed my way back from a complete mental health crisis, but it has taken almost a full year and I’m still not 100%. He is aware of all of the circumstances and challenges. If I had asked him for money year after year, or if I was being irresponsible and asking him to float me while making bad choices, it would be different. But he has always offered to help, and when I finally truly needed it, he said no.
AITAH?
