“She has a boyfriend and I’m her boss…”
I’m having real trouble trying to get my head around what to do about a girl at work (Dawn). I am 22 she is 26. She works for me and has a boyfriend (6 years). We’ve recently started getting on really well, going for drinks almost every night and going to see bands together. I’m finding myself falling head over heals for her but really can’t tell if she feels the same.
When we are alone together the conversation almost always turns to how she wishes she had the guts to leave her boyfriend, how they haven’t been intimate in almost a year and how he doesn’t seem to care about her etc..
Most recently she invited me out with her, her best friend and her best friends boyfriend to see a concert. Dawn invited me to stay at her house after the night out on the sofa.
The night went well but at the end we both just sat on the sofa watching a movie and I didn’t make a move, nor did she. I should mention her friend talked about how Dawn should leave her boyfriend, if that means anything.
She is a really friendly person and I can’t tell if she is just being nice. I don’t want to put her in an awkward position by telling her about how crazy I’m going, what with work; if she doesn’t feel the same it could be tricky. Not to mention her currently being with someone.
So what do you guys think? Wait to see if she will leave her boyfriend first? Keep it professional? (I can totally see “the boss was trying to come on to me because I was a little friendly” angle on this). Just tell her one night that I’m starting to get feelings or something similar? Thanks for any help.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
respectminivinny said:
First off, don’t do anything until she leaves her boyfriend. If she can’t leave her boyfriend on her own she’s got a problem that you may not want to deal with.
Second, make sure that getting involved with her won’t jeopardize either of your jobs.
If it does, don’t do it. Find someone else or find a way to transfer or get another job to make it work. You don’t want to get fired for this. Lastly, if she leaves her bf, and theres no problem with work. Next time you’re with her alone, make a move.
CACuzcatlan said:
Can you afford to lose the job / leave if things get really awkward? Is there a company policy regarding superiors dating people under them?
NoApollonia said:
Back off (and hands off) til she leaves the boyfriend – you don’t want in the middle. If you mean so much to her, then she’ll leave him for you.
belladonnadiorama said:
While you’re her boss, don’t do anything. You could potentially stir up a hornet’s nest if things go sour between you two. Plus, are you sure your job doesn’t have rules in place about that sort of things?
notjawn said:
She has to realize for herself that their relationship is over. You can’t be expected to resolve that for her. I mean it sounds like she’s unhappy but she’s is totally banking on you’ll step in and whisk her away, when realistically that does not happen and will just lead to severe emotional stress on one end or the other.
Honestly, you’re going to have to talk to her about what’s going on. She really needs to talk about it from the sound of it.
long_wang_big_balls said:
This is nothing but bad news. She has a boyfriend AND you’re her boss? Might not be the best idea.
UPDATE, FOUR YEARS LATER:
I had a strange urge to dig out my old post and update it, so here it is. Commenters cooled my fever somewhat, and I stepped back a little. Spent sometime alone to think. In the meantime Dawn’s relationship with Mr X came to an official close. As time went on my feelings for her only grew stronger. It got to the point of constant distraction. The only thing for it was a clean rejection to snap me back.
This wasn’t as easy as I hopped. Eventually after expressing my feelings to her one night – she leaned in and kissed me and said she felt the same. Since then we had a physical honeymoon period which subsided and gave way to great feeling of love, peace and friendship. We’re still together now. We have brought a house together and have started to discuss marriage.
The issues it caused at work brought us to tears, anger and almost getting other jobs. It was an adjustment, not so much for us two in how we worked together but more others reactions and preconceived ideas about it.
Dawn was a little upset when an angry little man who was under her charge accused her of only getting the job because of our relationship – laughable in retrospect but hurtful at the time, she worked extremely hard to do what she does. We worked well together before, and we work well together now
We do however end up spending almost all of our day together. Commute, Work, Home, Etc. From what I’ve read this can become a major problem causer in relationships, fortunately it hasn’t been for us so far. I sometimes wonder if we might not work out if we weren’t together for so much of the time.
We’re both pretty independent wanting to do what we want when we want, I could imagine this being a problem if we only had so many hours to be together in the day. I don’t know, maybe not.
The age issue creeps up on you more than you think it would; She is now 30 I am 25. We have both said that we would like children at some point, but it doesn’t feel right yet. This is all fine but somewhere at the back of your minds you are conscious of the so-called “ticking clock” the media will have a story every few weeks that like to remind you.
We did a little research and figure we’re fine for at least the next 5 years. She is an only child and her parents are now 67ish, so as nice as they try to be, they say they would like a grandchild before they kick the bucket.
It also doesn’t help that the majority of my friends have had children by this point, of course its a massive thing for them so the topic of conversation is mostly children and such at parties. Anyway, don’t let it become an issue, just talk about it and it’ll be fine.
I started writing an obnoxious blow-by-blow timeline of events that no one would be interested in reading before I came to my senses and pressed delete. Suffice to say; I could talk about our relationship for a long time so if you have any questions because you’ve found yourself in a similar spot ask here or PM me.
Here’s what people had to say to OP about the update:
Empha said:
This is just so cute! I don’t really have anything else to add, it’s just so cool that you update this after so long. Congratulations, I’m glad everything worked out for you!
marielleN said:
My husband and I met at work. We are in the same department right now, but we don’t work together except on a few matters. All the time together is not s problem for us. We are both introverts (him more than me). We are each other’s best friend.
We don’t commute together but we have lunch together most days. I think we are closer for being so involved with each other’s lives. Work takes up a good portion of our life and it’s good to understand the issues the other one is dealing with.
amesann said:
My husband and I have been married almost a year and met at work and we still work together. We work on the same floor of our hospital, but some days we are so busy we barely see each other or interact.
We’ve never had issues so far with this and we’re doing great! We have almost a 10 year age gap and I’ve become a step mom to two amazing boys and we could not be happier! Good luck and I’m so happy for you both!
Altorrin said:
Aw, I would’ve loved to read the whole timeline… Glad everything worked out for you, though!
