AITA for refusing to stay at my mom’s house in Hawai‘i after years of being treated like the family maid?

AITA for refusing to stay at my mom’s house in Hawai‘i after years of being treated like the family maid?

I’m 40F and my boyfriend is 45M. We’re planning a trip back to my home state, Hawai‘i, and honestly I’m debating if I should even go. My family has a long history of treating me like the a of the group , especially after being diagnosed young with bipolar disorder .I’ve spent the last six years building my independence and my peace.

Here’s the issue: every time I visit, my mom treats me like the unpaid household help. Cleaning her bathroom, cooking her meals, fetching drink….Like girl, I don’t even live there.

This year my sister is getting married, and my brother and I agreed my boyfriend and I should stay in a hotel. He’s tired of Mom putting us to work like we’re clocking in. Helping with a dish? Fine. Running the whole event? Absolutely not.

When we told my mom, she flipped. Claimed her house was “perfectly good.” My sister‑in‑law, who does not play with my mom, jumped in and said, “We’re staying at the hotel because we want to sightsee… and we’re not trying to be your slaves.” Honestly? Icon behavior.

Now my mom is guilt‑tripping, bribing, and trying to pit me against my siblings. I hate confrontation, but my brother is reminding me to stand firm. Plus, this will be the first time my boyfriend meets her, and he does not tolerate anyone disrespecting me. If she tries something, he will clap back instantly.

Then there’s the wedding. My sister invited my sister‑in‑law to be a bridesmaid… but not me. That hurt. My mom said it’s because I’m “too big,” which is cruel but unfortunately on brand for her. I’m trying to be respectful, but it stings.

So now I’m torn. I miss my family, but I’m tired of being treated like the help, the outsider, and the problem. Would I be the a for canceling the trip altogether, even though part of me wants to go home and reconnect?