“AITA for being upset that my husband mentioned getting a paternity test?”
My (31F) husband (32M) just mentioned that he’s keen on getting a paternity test for our 3 week old baby girl. His reasoning is that our daughter has darker hair than him (he has brown hair, I’m white blonde). I’m a little confused as she hardly has any bloody hair and this just feels like he’s accusing me of infidelity!!!
I actually thought he was joking initially. The conversation went as follows: He said, “her hair is really dark.” So I said, “yeah, it is” even though it isn’t darker than his. He then mentioned getting the test…it was completely out of the blue. I initially said that he should go for it as I wasn’t thinking.
But, now I’ve had some time to reflect, I’m really not happy about it. If he wants to get the test, fine by me BUT, it just feels like he doesn’t trust me? Am I overthinking this?! He has no reason to think like this.
He even went as far as to say, “if she wasn’t mine biologically, she’d still be my girl”…that statement just pissed me off and I’ve said nothing to him since. So, AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
cthulularoo said:
Check his phone and email. There’s a chance he’s projecting.
tired-and-cranky said:
My husband has dark brown hair. I have dirty blonde hair that is being overtaken by silver. My oldest child has dirty blonde hair that is lighter than mine. By your husband’s logic, I should request a maternity test.
ThrowRA_lbf OP:
This did make me chuckle 😋
No_Beginning_8275 said:
There are much deeper issues going on in your marriage. One doesn’t just casually “ask for a paternity test” unless there is something deeper going on.
[deleted]
“this just feels like he’s accusing me of infidelity!” That’s because he is.
EDIT: If he believed the baby was switched at birth, he’d use his fucking words and say that.
ThrowRA_lbf OP:
Which is what annoys me the most. 18 months ago I quit my job and moved to a different country for him to further his career. I’ve given him a second beautiful girl. And he says this crap.
Salty__Shadows
Tell him he can have his paternity test if he hands you his phone and passwords right that moment. If he wants to doubt your fidelity, you owe it to yourself to check his messages/emails/apps to ensure he isn’t projecting.
Starpoodle said:
He is actually accusing you of infidelity. NTA. Does no one in both of your extended families have dark hair? Heredity can be funny. Both myself and hubby are dark brown/black haired. Both of our kids are dark blondes/light bowns. Took after my mother in law.
ThrowRA_lbf OP:
Both of my parents have dark hair, and I have one grandparent who has blonde/white hair. His parents (and sister) have dark hair, so our daughter gets her dark hair from his side.
Travel8061 said:
NTA. Not overthinking or over reacting. I would be livid. He is an idiot if he thinks his kid must have the same shade of hair to be biologically his. Not to mention insensitive and rude, among other things…
Later OP provided these updates:
Update 1: Thanks for all the comments and advice. There seems to be some common responses, so I thought I’d just reply to them here… I’m more than happy for him to get the test but, as most have mentioned, that would confirm his lack of trust in me, his wife, and I don’t think I could overlook that. I think I’ll seek some counselling to discuss this issue further (I’ll be inviting him to join me!!).
Some mentioned that our daughter might have been swapped at birth and the test would benefit us both. I can assure all of these commentators that she didn’t leave my side once throughout our hospital stay (from her entrance to the world, to her leaving the hospital with us). I’m very happy that she’s our little one.
Most people mentioned projection on his part. I must admit I hadn’t thought about this! I’m almost certain that this isn’t the case but, I will discuss my fears/concerns with him as this is now at the forefront of my mind! I will update accordingly. Thank you all!
Update 2: Sorry it has taken me so long to update this post. Essentially, I said to my husband how disappointed I am in him for even bringing this up and how I felt pretty angry about the indirect accusation. He told me he was “joking” about it all, so I had to tell him that accusing someone of infidelity really isn’t funny in the slightest. Duh.
It seems as though this question has come from a place of insecurity on his part, not projection. I’m truly satisfied with this. I’ve suggested we go forward with counselling and he is keen to engage with this.
Also, I have said to him that I’m happy for him to get a paternity test if it’s going to put his mind at ease but, if he does go ahead with getting the test, that he owes me 😅. I’ve still to think of a suitable “price”. Potentially a few months of doing our eldest’s school runs or something…all suggestions accepted! Thanks all.
