AITAH for being honest with another mom about why my daughter isn’t allowed to go to her friend’s house?
I’m on a throwaway because my daughter uses my main for other subs.
I really need an outside opinion because my family tell me I’m right but they also don’t have to deal with the awkwardness here.
I have a daughter, “Elena”, who is 13. Elena has a friend called “Kennedy” who is new at school this year. Kennedy’s mom works in the school office (becomes kind of relevant later).
So our house is kind of “The House”. Elena doesn’t have a big group of friends but as long as the kids can get their own snacks and not make noise anyone’s welcome.
Because of this, Elena never really goes to anyone else’s house, all her friends come to us, we’ve even hosted her friend’s birthday sleepovers. A couple of weeks ago though, Elena asked if she could sleep over at Kennedy’s house as the next day was a family party and Kennedy had been allowed to invite a friend. I said sure. Again, her mom works in the school office, whenever she’s come to pick Kennedy up she’s been polite. I didn’t see an issue.
But when I went to drop Elena off, my opinion changed. Kennedy’s stepdad is the one who answered the door, and I’m not kidding when I say I haven’t never felt so immediately disturbed by a person. I can’t even explain why. My stomach just lurched. I immediately felt like I needed to hold some kind of conversation with him so that I could at least get a better read on him. I made some small talk on the porch, during which he proceeded to open an alcoholic drink, and flirtatiously “not believe” I was old enough to have a teenage daughter (after asking me twice how old she was and telling me how similar we look).
He also demanded in front of me that Kennedy change her clothes because she was wearing shorts…in her own house. Kennedy’s mom came home while I was on the porch which made me feel slightly better so I left but when I got home I told my husband he was going to pick Elena up this evening because she was not spending the night there. We made an excuse about a forgotten plan for the next day and fetched Elena before dinner.
I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m crazy or judges me for not letting her stay on no evidence. I grew up where if you had a feeling, you followed it. My husband agreed with me that Elena wouldn’t be going over there again.
So last week, I was at school pick up and bumped into the mom of one of elena’s other friends, who I’m casual friends with (mom friends, basically). She mentioned she hadn’t seen Elena at Kennedy’s that Sunday at the party (Kennedy had invited this other girl to the Sunday party but not the sleepover). I said no, Elena hadn’t slept over. My friend asked if it was because of anything in particular and I was honest and said I just don’t want her going over there because the stepdad gives me the creeps. I told my friend about the interaction and she thanked me for telling her and said she’d probably do the same as me. I thought nothing more of it, it didn’t come up again.
Except yesterday at school pick up Kennedy’s mom came outside and confronted me. She said another mom was now not letting her daughter come over because of “males in the house without the mother home” and that she knows it was my fault because I was the one who met her husband. She said she knows I lied to pick Elena up early.
She accused me of being my a snob because Kennedy is at the school on free tuition (which she gets because her mom works there) and of judging her family based on where they live. None of that is true, but there was no convincing her. I guess I didn’t adequately defend myself because firstly I was in public and didn’t want a scene, and second because being a snob probably sounded better than “your husband seems predatory”.
She then said that I was isolating Kennedy by poisoning the other mom. That, I’m not sure I can even say is untrue. But I would want another mom to tell me. You can do what you want with the information but if I had never met the stepdad and someone else felt as uncomfortable as I felt, I would want them to let me know. That’s why I told her. Because we’re all just trying to look out for our kids. But Kennedy’s mom seemed more upset than angry, and I get that this is embarrassing for her. I also know I don’t have any actual evidence that this man did anything.
So now I feel like maybe I was out of line sharing my completely unfounded opinion with my friend. Am I? Do I the whole family an apology?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Critical-Affect4762 wrote:
NTA. Do you know one of the leading causes of violence at home for kids? Them living with a stepparent (and I’m a stepparent). Alcohol adds to that. Then add in his comments, gross. Her reaction and approach makes her seem kind of unhinged, too. Ask yourself why feel bad if you help prevent a child being around this creep? The kids’ safety matters, not adult feelings.
But I’m more nuts than you, I’d not even leave my kid there until the evening. He says gross weird crap, “okay we actually have to go home now, we left the oven on.” Why are we being polite to creeps? That’s why they creep. I was an attractive kid and cannot tell you how many grown men constantly made gross comments. It became normal and always felt slimy.
OP responded:
Yeah same. From age 14 I was getting approached by grown men asking me “for a light” and trying to strike up conversations with me. Awful. I let her stay because the mom was home, she had her phone, she was with her friend, and the girls were right there in the living room, had I said “yeah she’s not staying here come on” they both would have heard. But evening was a hard line for me.
Numerical_Wordsmith wrote:
NTA. But if she brings it up again, “Your husband was hitting on me, and I didn’t like the way that he was looking at the young girls” is a great way to shut her down. Don’t be afraid to be too honest when dealing with a creep. They thrive when people don’t confront them. We need to shame them and call them out at every opportunity.
ChevronSugarheart wrote:
What you do now is you speak to her and say this “Your husband started drinking in front of us and told me I didn’t look old enough to be my child’s mother and was flirting with me. No, I don’t let my kid sleep over where a man doesn’t have any restraint to not flirt when he’s married. You married him he’s your problem not mine.”
But, you don’t know if he touches children so that needs to be stated. It’s just not the day and age to be reckless with children.
Crazy_Pixie_Town wrote:
Your gut instinct was something you picked up on subconsciously that told you he wasn’t safe, even if your brain couldn’t figure out what it was at the time. You were right to take your daughter home. I say this as someone who has been working with offenders for almost 20 yrs.
Always trust your gut. I also understand why you told the other mother. If something happened to her child you would have hated yourself for not saying anything. Better to have been unfairly judgemental than complacent in a child potential getting hurt.
Brighton_Spores wrote:
A simple rule in life…
If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. Meeting people or going places that make you feel this way are just ways to put yourself or others in a dangerous or unwanted situation. Listen to yourself, head the warning.
