“My therapist made me do a pros and cons list about my (20F) boyfriend (20M). What are some pros you’d write about your S/O?”
Hi! So recently my boyfriend and I have experienced some rough patches in our relationship, way more than usual. We’ve been together for a year and never really argued. We definitely aren’t a “we never argue because we always agree” type of couple. We did have our differences and addressed them, but for about 2 or 3 months the arguments got more intense and they happen more often.
A few days ago I’ve had a session with my therapist. She noticed something was bothering me so she suggested we address the issue. At first I didn’t really want to talk about it because me and my boyfriend are mostly fine. Only these few months have been tough. Eventually, she convinced me to do a pros and cons list.
We started with the pros and after reading them, she told me that these are just surface level, that even an outsider or a total stranger could notice these and that there’s nothing in that list that seems to say “these qualities/actions are reserved for my girlfriend” and something along the lines of me not having any “girlfriend rights” in this relationship.
The pros were that he’s smart, handsome, altruistic, patient, helps me around the house, drives me whenever he can, buys me gifts and does acts of service. (She said the last two do not count since they are love languages but she will add them because they are pluses).
Lastly, she told me that I sound like an 80yo mother who’s bragging about her 40 something yo son who’s helping her at her old age. She even added that girls that are in love and in healthy happy relationships always add things like “I like the way he touches me”, “he’s always so gentle” etc.
I’ve never had a model of a healthy and happy relationship in my life from friends or family. And my experience with relationships until now were not so pleasant. So I wanted to ask y’all what are some pros about your S/O that do make you feel like a partner? Things that are basically “reserved to you as a partner” and special to you two?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
apprehensiveage7222 wrote:
I relate about never seeing a healthy relationship. Luckily I perceive my relationship to be happy. My reasons would be: -we have similar taste in media making watching things together enjoyable.
He has an amazing sense of humor & can always make me laugh -he has a golden heart -a strong intuition -he truly listens to understand & make me feel heard -he is receptive to things I struggle with both outside & within our relationship.
redlight0516 wrote:
A therapist believing in love languages tells me everything I need to know about that therapist. The fact that they believe in love languages but then also dismiss them as valid reasons for liking your partner is hilarious.
I agree this therapist sucks.
jamicam wrote:
You need a new therapist.
“She said the last two do not count since they are love languages but she will add them because they are pluses.” Makes no sense.
“She told me that I sound like an 80yo mother who’s bragging about her 40 something yo son who’s helping her at her old age.”
What…she is judgy and making you feel bad because you didn’t describe things she wanted you to describe.
Does she help you at all? How long have you been in therapy with her?
shmooboorpo wrote:
I agree that you need a new therapist. Everything you have said about them gives me major ick. That is not how you address a client. They are not there to judge you or impose their opinions upon you. Just eww.
pixatron32 wrote:
Some of the statements your therapist is saying are honestly concerning. Judging what you value in a partner and relationship isn’t supportive or okay. Just because you value things that she believes are “normal” for others to value doesn’t mean they are surface level.
I would list many of those attributes you said about my own partner. I wouldn’t think to talk about how my partner is gentle or touches me to my therapist. I’d recommend getting a new therapist or bringing this up in therapy and seeing if you can rebuild the trust and rapport.
Pros about my partner is that he always strives to improve my life and make it better. Whether is building me foot rest for my short legs, making me a cup of tea, making me oodles of my favourite cupcakes for my birthday, remembering to get thoughtful and sweet presents on special occasions.
Number one – he always strives to be better himself and be a good partner just like I do. I wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t work so hard in and outside of therapy to achieve this.
We all have bad days or weeks in a relationship. Writing a pros and cons list may not be helpful if your relationship is healthy overall and you love each other. Writing a list of gratitude and appreciation or of what would help you rekindle the spark or the connection or rebuild the trust would be most helpful.
mojo_sapien wrote:
I’m shocked at the things the therapist said.
OP, therapists are just like any other profession and there are good and bad ones. This is one of the bad ones.
