I (32M) live alone. One of my close friends (31m, “Derek”) has helped me out a lot over the years and I’ve helped him too. We’re genuinely close.
About a month ago I had to travel for work for a week and I asked Derek if he could stop by my place a couple times to feed my cat and make sure everything was okay. He said sure so I gave him my spare key. When I got back everything seemed fine. I thanked him and asked for the spare back, he handed it over.
Then about a week later we’re talking and he casually mentions like its nothing that he made a copy of my key while he had it. His exact vibe was “just in case” He said he didn’t want to lose the only spare while I was out of town and also since I live alone its smart for someone to have a backup for emergencies. He also said he meant to tell me about forgot.
That immediately made me uncomfortable. I’m not even saying I think Derek is planning to do anything shady but I didn’t ask him to copy my key and now he has access to my place indefinitely. I asked if he still has the copy and he said yes but acted like I was being dramatic and said he’d never use it unless it was an emergency.
I told him I’m not okay with that and asked him to give me the copied key. He hesitated and said he didn’t have it on him but he’d drop it off. A couple days go by and he doesn’t. I brought it up again and he got annoyed and said I was acting like he broke into my house. He kept pushing the “it’s for your safety” thing and said changing the locks would be paranoid abd a waste of money.
What really tipped me over was I ran into Derek’s girlfriend at the grocery store and she joked about my cat. I asked how she even knew about my cat and she said Derek showed her a video from inside my apartment when he was feeding him.
That’s not illegal or anything but it made it click that my place is being treated casually and I don’t like it. So I changed my locks. I told him afterward and I also told him I still want the copied key back even if it doesn’t work now because the whole point is I never agreed to him having it.
Now he’s mad and says that he was trying to be responsible and that I basically told him I don’t trust him. A couple mutual friends think I’m being dramatic because “it’s Derek. Others think making a copy without asking is a huge boundary issue.
AITA for changing the locks over this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
grumpybadger456 wrote:
NTA – Derek has majorly crossed the line. Now I wouldn’t think anything of him taking a video of my cat (while he was legit petsitting) and showing his girlfriend – as long as its not posted.
The key stuff is genuinely bizarre. Who does he think he is? Emergency key holder is a responsibility that is bestowed with with consent on both sides and a conversation. Even family would be taking liberties to just make a copy.
Its a good thing you changed the locks because chances are, you wouldn’t have gotten all the copies anyway. Whats even more disturbing is that Derek doesn’t understand how weird his behaviour is – I’d be worried about an unhealthy attachment there.
Buttercup_taken wrote:
Yeah I dunno…NTA. If it were so normal and so out of the goodness of his own heart, I think he would’ve been more upfront about it and immediately apologized once he realized he guessed wrong and you were not OK with that.
liosistaken wrote:
NTA. If he wanted a copy because he was afraid he’d lose the original, he would’ve asked you if it was okay before making the copy, and when you got back, he would’ve handed over both keys without being asked. This is shady as hell. It’s smart to have someone else have a copy of your key, but who that is, is your choice, not his. You did the right thing.
International-Fee-255 wrote:
NTA. How very very strange to copy someone else’s house key without their permission and then not give them the extra key when they request it. He apparently thinks he was too irresponsible to keep track of the key you gave him, but that making a copy for himself (the irresponsible person who might lose your spare key) to hold onto for emergencies was perfectly acceptable.
Weird take. Personally I would not have mentioned changing the locks and waited to see what came of him having this “in case” spare key! The video I wouldn’t find too strange to be honest, he was filming the cats really, probably for his gf more than himself. But it’s weird he didn’t also send you the video.
waterstone55 wrote:
NTA. And I don’t think his gf saw a video. She was probably there with him. You don’t mention having security cameras. If you don’t, please get some. They are an important security device, especially for those living alone. ETA: I’d also keep an eye out for any identity theft issues. Your friend had proven that he can’t be trusted.
Outrageous-Ad-9635 wrote:
NTA. Making a copy of someone’s key without their permission is definitely overstepping. Derek has gotten way too comfortable. It may sound strange to say about a good friend, but he has gotten a bit too familiar, and his actions are paternalistic.
He thinks he needs a key because he thinks, sooner or later, you’re going to need him to rush in and save you. Good for you for changing the locks. He probably genuinely has good intentions, but we all know what the road to hell’s paved with don’t we?
According_block3815 wrote:
Oh I don’t trust Derek! He’s sly and sneaky! I’d be searching your home for nanny cams and making sure he didn’t set up any recording devices on your computer or TV to film you. He’s gaslighting you instead of taking responsibility. He should of asked first. This is not an apologized and seek forgiveness later scenario. Good on you for changing locks! He could have easily assaulted you in your sleep!
