“AITA for telling my sister that part of growing is accepting people don’t have to forgive you?”
Growing up my sister (now 22f) was the spoiled golden child of our parents. She got everything she ever wanted in life and became the brat nobody wanted their kids to be friends with.
I (now 24f) even had friends who weren’t allowed to come to my house because my sister was there. She would steal, try to make you do what she wanted and would tell our parents if you didn’t, would break stuff if she wasn’t included and then wasn’t allowed to take over decision making. It was a whole thing.
We fought a lot as kids and we both said awful things to each other. But I grew to resent her more and more because of the monster our parents created. The final straw for me was my savings. My parents wouldn’t let me open up a bank account because they didn’t want me hiding money. They forced my first job to fire me because they were not okay with me keeping money to myself.
And I knew they wouldn’t help me with college or let me stay rent free once I was 18. So I started being sneaky about saving. I babysat for friends parents under the guise of visiting friends. I did errands for family friends or other people. It didn’t allow me much in the way of savings but it allowed me some.
But then like two days before my 18th birthday my sister found and stole the money. And yes, I had it at home but there was nowhere else to take it. None of my friends parents were okay with me storing it at their house in case any went missing and I accused them. They were fine helping me get money but they didn’t want the responsibility of storing it, which I understand.
My sister even told our parents I had the money and they got so mad at me. In return I told my sister to f off and never speak to me again and from that day onward she wasn’t my sister and I didn’t love or give a damn about what would happen to her. I left on my birthday and never went back. I was no contact from then until now.
My sister reached out to me a few weeks ago because a relative gave her my number. She apologized, told me she was sorry, said she had grown up and realized how sh**ty she was and she knew stealing, breaking stuff, getting me into trouble intentionally and trying to control everything was wrong. She said she loved and missed me and was hoping we could repair our relationship.
I didn’t reply. I read the text and I kept it on my phone but I didn’t reply. Two weeks later she texted the exact same thing with an apology if I got the first but she wanted to be sure. Then a few days ago she texted again and said she knew it was my number and wanted to know why I ignored her when she had apologized and was hoping I’d forgive her so we could have a relationship.
I replied one time (and I considered not doing this) and I told her that part of growing is accepting people don’t have to forgive you or reconcile with you just because you apologized and that sometimes the harm done can’t be undone and doors are closed forever.
I didn’t reply after that. Then the relative who gave her my number and I exchanged some words because of this and she told me it was the most arrogant way to tell someone you don’t accept their apology.
She said I should have been more accepting. And I told her that I didn’t need to listen to this. AITA for it though? I’m not doubting myself but I wonder if there are others who feel the same way as the relative. Honestly maybe I should’ve kept ignoring my sister and blocked her number.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
No_Alfalfa_9541
Info: are you no contact with your parents as well?
Expensive_Eagle_9739 OP:
I am.
BugSimilar5810
Why do people think that if you apologize, you are entitled to forgiveness?!?!
Expensive_Eagle_9739 OP:
I think it’s a sign of people who aren’t genuine. I understand being sad if no forgiveness is given. But when you expect it and try to demand it that’s a totally other thing. When an apology is given for the person giving it vs the person receiving it you can tell.
lauriepas
I’m hoping you cut off that relative who gave her your number too. And NC with everyone involved. NTA. Protect your peace.
Expensive_Eagle_9739 OP:
Yep. I now have a fourth person on the list of people I’m related to who I will be NC with.
lonnielee3
INFO : Did I overlook where the sister paid back the money she stole?
Expensive_Eagle_9739 OP:
You didn’t overlook it because she never did or even offered or mentioned paying it back.
Duke_Newcombe
OP, as an aside, what is the current situation with your parents. Did they ever accept responsibility for creating this situation?
Expensive_Eagle_9739 OP:
I don’t talk to them anymore. No contact for 6 years now and that won’t ever change and if they reached out they would not get any reply. But I know they will never feel bad about their actions.
Lyra_Sirius
Have your parents already apologized? I’m not saying forgiveness, because that implies forgetting the bad things they did to you, but just your sister apologizing is not enough, just a draft of air.
Expensive_Eagle_9739 OP:
They’ll never apologize. They will never be sorry for it. They’re actually very proud. And in the last six years I don’t think that would have changed.
BeeEnvironmental6299 wrote:
I understand your relative is hoping for you and your sister to reconcile but I don’t think your reply was arrogant at all. You don’t owe your sister anything and your relative needs to accept your decision and back off.
ComprehensivePut5569 wrote:
NTA – If your sister cannot understand your reply then she still needs more growth. Makes me wonder exactly what she told the relative because it sounds like another example of her not getting her way then “tattling” to force you to give her what she wants – same controlling behavior from childhood.
If you don’t want to hear from your sister again, I’d suggest blocking her then pre-block her on socials to shut down all access options. As for that relative who gave out your number without asking you first, they definitely deserve the blocking treatment.
Cute-profession9983 wrote:
NTA It’s great when someone can grow and better themselves, but sometimes apologies just aren’t enough. Getting better doesn’t erase the past, and sometimes too much damage is done for one party to want to revisit the relationship.
No_Alfalfa_9541
I would say NAH, but personally, I think its worth being open to a relationship. Your parents screwed BOTH of you up. It seems like they treated you pretty shitty, besides just giving her special treatment. Especially with her being younger, this is what was “normal” to her. It wasn’t ok by any means, but she is at least trying to learn to be better.
I read a story on here a while ago from a GCs perspective, and basically he said sometimes he went along with mistreating his siblings because he was scared if he didn’t, his parents would turn on him like that. And yeah, that’s still selfish, but a kid depends on their parents to survive, and will do or accept a lot of shit that seems crazy to get by.
It sounds like maybe she got away from mom and dad, and was able to reflect and saw she was a shitty sister. I think it could be ok to at least give a guarded relationship a try, and see what you think of her now.
Expensive_Eagle_9739 OP:
That’s just not something I would ever be interested in. I don’t love her. I don’t even care for her like you might a family member you don’t see often but would still help if they were in need. There was nothing good about being her sister and even if she has changed, there are some things I just don’t ever want to explore again.
I can understand this isn’t the decision everyone would make. People choose to try again all the time. I think if the money hadn’t been stolen then maybe. But once she stole that I seriously wanted to be done with her for the rest of my life and that feeling has not gone away.
She stole the very thing I fought so hard to get so I could get out and have some money to support me. Instead I had to go to a friends house with nothing.
