“AITA if I exclude my brother’s fiancée from my wedding?”
My (33F) brother (30M) has been with his now fiancée (24F) for 3 years. She’s the first person he’s ever dated. At first I thought she was fine. Very quickly though, I noticed that at least half the time when she was around our family she would be having a temper tantrum about something and would literally give our entire family the silent treatment and sulk in a corner.
To give an example of the kind of temper tantrums- one time she apparently forgot her swimsuit on a lake trip (which I didn’t realize) so I made the mistake of asking her if she was going to go tubing.
She angrily gestured at her outfit, and ran into the basement and I heard from my other sibling that she sobbed for hours. She gave my entire family the silent treatment at a very, very close family friend’s funeral because- she told me later- it was her “birthday week” and she didn’t want to spend it at a funeral.
Once I asked her if she wanted to get her nails done with me some time and she literally pretended she didn’t hear me. So I repeated myself more loudly and she still didn’t acknowledge my invitation so I knew then that she just wasn’t interested.
Around the 8mo mark of them dating, I expressed concerns to him about her behavior around our family. They were planning to move in together about 35 minutes away (I know- not far at all- the rest of our family all lives within a 7 minute drive of one another, so I do think it’s relevant for context)
I was worried that we wouldn’t see him anymore and that eventually when they got married she wouldn’t even involve our family in their wedding. Seriously, those were the only two concerns I expressed. He said he understood, but he loves her and he would be intentional about keeping a close relationship.
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Our family is very close, not in an over-the-top or overbearing way at all, but especially since the death of our older brother our family relationships are very sacred. So they move in together and we never see him. It’s been 2.5 years.
This year, they spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the 10 year anniversary of my brother’s car accident with her family. In the meantime, I met a man who loves my family. He cares for my grandmother who has Alzheimer’s.
She even remembers his name! Which is a huge deal because she doesn’t remember ever having met my brother’s fiancée, who she’s met a dozen times. He watches sports with my dad. He usually spends time with his family who lives in the same area that my brother and his fiancée live in about once a week.
We celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with my family, and Christmas with his family. I realize that my fiancée is an extraordinary example rather than the standard, but I say all of this because our jobs and social lives are SO busy but we always make time for family.
My brother announced in our family group text that he was going to propose one weekend over the summer. They were going to go for a walk at one of their favorite trails and he would pop the question.
Relevant because this was a flexible plan that could have easily been changed. My fiancée had planned a trip out to my favorite island that weekend, and I was certain that he’d also be proposing.
I knew that my brother’s fiancée would not want to get engaged on the same weekend. I texted him, called him, had my fiancée called him, my mom reached out… he assured us that he’d discussed the possibility that we would be getting engaged at the same time with her and that she was totally cool with it.
I thought ok well it wouldn’t be my first choice because I don’t want to step on her toes and she doesn’t seem like someone who would like that but we already have this trip planned and tbh I love my brother and thought it would be kinda dope to get engaged on the same weekend IF we had her blessing and it’s just kind of how the cookie crumbled.
She didn’t think it was dope, and I looked like the bad guy because my fiancée proposed a little over 24 hours after my brother did. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my bridal party. As the only girl in a family of boys and as a family who have lost a sibling, it’s been a non-negotiable to me to include my brothers.
In addition to my 4 best friends, I decided to ask my brothers’ partners to be my bridesmaids so that my brothers would be included in our wedding party. I explained all of this to her, and that the only expectation I have of my bridesmaids is to show up in a dress and take cute pictures with me.
As soon as I asked her, I felt instant regret. There was no feigned excitement, no hug… my fiancée even awkwardly laughed and said “I think you’re supposed to say yes!” She didn’t participate in the group text. She didn’t choose a dress.
She asked me to get coffee yesterday, and told me that she’s too busy with “bigger things” to participate in my wedding. I explained that I didn’t invite her because of any delusion that we were best friends, but as an invitation to have a relationship and a way to include my brother.
I reminded her that I’m not having a bridal shower or a bachelorette party and that the *only* thing I’m asking of my bridesmaids is to wear a dress that is one of three colors (any style, any material) and take some cute pictures.
I told her that I had sensed that she didn’t want to participate, and that I certainly don’t want anyone to participate who doesn’t want to. She talked extensively about how bad her relationship is with my brother, and it feels unlikely after hearing the way that she spoke about it that they will make it to their wedding day.
Now that she has declined my invitation to begin a relationship, can I uninvite her from my wedding? I don’t want to see her on my wedding day, and I certainly don’t want to look back at my photos and see this woman who has blatantly rejected mine and my whole family’s bids for connection.
I just don’t want to pretend anymore. I’m feeling like “okay then- if you have chosen not to participate in family relationships, you don’t get to participate.” I’m afraid that if I uninvite her from the wedding, or even tell her that she can’t be in our family pictures, my family will accuse me of damaging the family and being hateful. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
not_a_doormat_94
Honestly, I think she wants to be at your wedding even less than you want her there. I’d be surprised if she showed up at all. I wouldn’t bother uninviting her, just let nature take its course. Don’t let her take up any space in your head—focus on enjoying your day with the people you care about. And congratulations on your marriage 🥂
BeachCatDog
Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding! I’m so glad you are including your brothers. You have handled everything very elegantly. But, your brother has to break up with this girl on his own. You can’t do it for him.
Just let her be a guest at your wedding. She absolutely does not have to be in the pictures. Just tell the photographer that you only want the wedding party in the pictures. That will work out perfectly, since your entire family is in the wedding.
I’m sure you have a friend that can walk with that brother. Or, it is not unusual for two groomsmen to walk with one bridesmaid. The pictures will be just as beautiful. I am very sorry for the loss of your sibling. ❤️
No-You5550
I would buy some baby pacifiers and give her one every time she starts stuff but I’m petty so you might want to read other answers.
Zestyclose-Height-36
Let her come, and take a just the couple, parents and sibs photo. If they break up by then, she won’t show up.
ExpertChart7871
What I don’t understand is that if your brother only moved 35 minutes away why no one saw him for 2.5 years? Why didn’t any of you guys go to visit him and his fiancée at their place? Connection goes both ways. I would not uninvite her to your wedding. She’s hoping you do that so she can be a victim.
You need to follow up in the bridesmaid’s group text that she has dropped out of the wedding by her own choice. I would not put it past her to say you uninvited her. She’s probably also hoping you tell your brother all the bad things she said about him, so she can claim you’re trying to start drama.
I would call your brother and ask him if everything is okay. Let him know that she invited you to coffee and dropped out of the wedding. Don’t repeat what she said, but just ask him if his fiancée is doing okay because she seemed stressed when you met. This will open the door to a frank conversation. Good luck on your wedding day and update us!
asyouuwishh (OP)
Sorry, need to clarify! It’s been 2.5 years since they moved and we see them very rarely, and now even not for major holidays. I admit that we could be much better about going to see them, but every time that I try to make plans they say that they are very busy and maybe we could make plans the next month, so I have just stopped asking. We see each other a few times a year.
I have had my fiancée continue asking though because, while I want to keep trying, the rejections don’t hurt him the way that they do me and he’s happy to be my emotional buffer here.
Solid advice. I did tell the other bridesmaids in the group text that she decided she didn’t have the bandwidth for it. I did ask him to have a convo and honestly don’t even know if he knew we were meeting up. Wanted to honestly see if I’m the one being the jerk here and hear suggestions before I talk with him to make sure in this discussion I am NTA!
Smellyshoes-36
Update/post on how it goes- good luck, OP!
