Could it be that I’m overreacting? So me, M27, and my fiancée F24 have been engaged for 3 months and wanted to get married this summer. She has a male friend (24) (let’s call him Eric) with whom she is VERY VERY close. She has few female friends but this is one with whom she spends most of her time with.
I’m not coming on here to complain about female/male friendships, no. Though, I noticed their relationship is a little….how do I describe it? Strange for lack of better words.
For example, they’d pay for each other’s debts, car repair, and she’d do things for him that she wouldn’t do for me. Like if I’m struggling with something she’d say it’s not her problem, though she said this will all change once we’re married.
We’ve planning for the wedding and the topic of photos came up. She flatout said she wanted seperate photo with just her and Eric. I started picturing that in my mind and could not digest the thought of how they’d look like they were the bride and groom.
I told her that would be weird especially since she was talking about SEVERAL photos not just one, and….she didn’t even want to do that with her own mother…you know what I’m saying?
She laughed at me and said that I was just “paranoid” because Eric is too handsome (she always throws this at me but she says it’s platonic admiration) and would steal the spotlight at my own wedding.
I firmly told her this was NOT about that and that I was sorry but that was a boundary I cannot have her cross. She got upset and called me selfish and controlling and even abusive implying that I wanted her to cut out her friends so I can “isolate her”.
We got into a big fight and then I said I’d seriously consider postponing if she kept persisting. She started crying and went to her parents’ home. My in-laws came at me hard calling me names and saying that I was trying to control their daughter and the people in her life.
They said if roles were reversed, I’d be losing my mind, but that’s totally not the point. They said my decision was unreasonable and that I need to apologize and work things out on ner own terms. It’s been 3 days and she has been giving me the silent treatment. I don’t know if I crossed a line here I need to know if I was the AH in this situation.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
mjc-u7272
Ummm, you shouldn’t marry this person, AT ALL! What you described is major red flags. How is this dynamic going to change once the ink is dry on the marriage license??? I think she’ll continue this extremely weird relationship with her “friend???” as is. And, that would be a definite NO GO, for me.
I think you’d be well within your rights to cancel the wedding altogether. And, think you should until the issue with this “friend??” Is sorted out. Definitely not the AH.
jdz50
No. She crossed the line. I wouldn’t postpone the wedding, it would be cancelled.
Right_Cucumber5775
Postpone, cancel, call it what you want, but you definitely should stop everything. And frankly ask for the engagement ring back. Not sure of her relationship with her friend, but her taunting and disrespect to you are completely unacceptable.
She’s not the girl for you, if she believes this is all OK. A loving, respectful fiancée would stop and listen, explain the relationship with friend, and seek a good compromise.
thatdamnedtexan
So she does more for him than you and you allowed yourself to be put second? Dude, dump her ass and find someone who respects you.
EfficientSociety73
NTA. There is nothing platonic about this on your fiancées side. If she’s throwing his looks in your face and calling you insecure, she’s into this guy. He may not feel the same, but she sure does. And to ask only for singles pictures of the two of them is a massive amount of disrespect.
I wouldn’t postpone the wedding. I’d cancel it. Everyone else can see how she feels and just wants you to go along like it’s nothing. Don’t. This will be your life forever if you do. And the disrespect won’t stop there. He will always be first.
Cute-Profession9983
He’s her backup boy. And the fact that she tells you your issues are not her problem tells you all you need to know. Sounds like you might just be her meal ticket…
Championship682
– She got upset and called me selfish and controlling and even abusive implying that I wanted her to cut out her friends so I can “isolate her”. – If this is how she feels, then you are doing her a favor by postponing the wedding. At this point, your boundary should be NC with Eric, which means likely postponing the wedding forever.
Glad_Performer_7531
i would be cancelling that wedding. she lacks empathy for one and 2nd the fact she would throw in your face how hot her friend is but o its platonic admiration a lot tells us that married or not you will always come second to him. you also have not said one redeeming quality about her either which also says something about your relationship.
RawrBez
She does things for him that she’d never do for you but that will change once you’re married? So, her relationship with Eric is already on marriage level? I’m struggling to make that make sense.
From what you’ve described, I wouldn’t have even proposed and the wedding would be ‘postponed’ indefinitely. Idk from your post I’d say NTA. It seems like an extreme reaction to say you want her to cut off her friends and isolate her so I feel like there’s more to this.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
