“AITA for ending things with my wife today because her family keeps barging in?”
I ( M38) left my wife ( Kelly F38) today. 5 years together. 4 married. I have battled her lack of boundaries about her family for the past 2 years. I understand that they are very close knit, but she never paid attention to how their dynamics affected our relationship.
I experienced every “justnofamily” situation. My food was eaten, showing up uninvited, meddling, you name it. 9 months ago, MIL and FIL began divorce proceedings ( he cheated, fell “madly” in love with a side chick with whom he’s lived for the past 15 years, and he decided that he wants to get remarried).
He kicked everyone out of the house. It was an emergency, so I agreed to help out. I so regret it. I had to take 4 people in, but they couldn’t think to avoid constantly pissing me off.
I got sick of finding them using our private bathroom ( they had complete access to the other full bathroom by the hallway). SIL started taking naps on our bed which is creepy because a bed is too personal.
I came home late and we had to wake her up and still waited for her to snap out of her groggy state so that she could walk out. It lasted for 3 months, but the problems persisted.
No matter how many times I told my wife and even told them, they still showed up at random hours. Even if I didn’t run into them, I know she was allowing them to come over. I hated their presence.
They would eat my snacks and get on my expensive recliner chair which again, they didn’t contribute a penny for. I had a mini orchard that they picked empty. Things got so tense that I blew at her in front of them.
They left, we had a fight and I ended up sleeping in a hotel. I warned her many times about being fed up and needing her to support me. She acted like I was demanding that she abandoned her family.
Today, I came home to find her brother’s car blocking the entrance. Not on the side and not even on the driveway, just right in the middle where my only option would be to get on the lawn. I go inside and he’s laying with his shoes on the couch.
He gave me this fresh smile like he’s untouchable. I went to our bedroom and packed as much of my belongings as possible and ignored her pleas to talk. There’s nothing else to talk about. I already called a few lawyers but haven’t received any replies yet.
She cried, but at this point, I have no empathy. I don’t even know if I over reacted or if I needed to discuss this in private. I feel defeated and angry and I also hate her family with my soul. They knew they were hurting our relationship and they didn’t care.
She knew that I’m a private person who hates being invaded. I helped them because I live here and I didn’t have the balls to let them go to sleep in their car. We don’t have kids, but there are so many things that will be left undone.
I loved her so much but I just can’t. She called me immediately after I left and I told her that my decision is final. She sounded shaken but I told her that right now, I despise her and will never be able to sleep next to her again.
Sorry for any typos. I have a migraine right now. I’m just coming here because I just want to ask if leaving the way I did was an AH move and maybe I should have announced my intention of ending our marriage after her brother was gone.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
BloodMoneyMorality
I want to know the brothers reaction to you saying you were leaving her in front of him. Come on, DETAILS
Prior-Bus9723 OP:
Nothing. He looked surprised but mostly kept his ” it’s not my fault, I’m innocent face”, as always.
gilllesdot
I don’t get the part where the FIL lived with a side chick for 15 years.
Prior-Bus9723 OP:
My stb Ex-FIL and MIL had a very difficult marriage. In a nutshell, it was almost on and off except that they were married but had several situations that led to multiple separations when my wife was a kid.
He had a very good job and met his now wife while at that job ( currently retired but doing some consulting work). This woman was also married, with children of her own.
MIL and FIL moved houses ( I don’t remember all the details) since they lived at his old grandparents’ home. He waited until MIL and their children were settled in the new home to announce that he needed space, then didn’t move with them at all. I don’t know everything about that but from what I’ve heard, they struggled. He was already having an affair and made the relationship public after that.
This situation went on from my wife’s late teens through her 20s and 30s and they had a bad marriage since she was a kid. Also: FIL has a very warm relationship witj his step children and his bio kids resent this. Supposedly, he and wife #2 might have had a relationship for longer than MIL thought.
Edit: FIL has referred to his side chick as his “wife” in social media even before the divorce proceedings. They have also lived together for over a decade.
z-eldapin
She only wanted to talk after refusing to listen for months.
NotCCross
Why wait? She has no issue with them being in the middle of everything else. They can be in the middle of her getting dumped. A lot of people don’t seem to realize that once you are married, your spouse and kids are the priority and family moves back a space.
She refused to set boundaries, blatantly disrespected you and allowed her family to. Then let her figure it out with them. I wish you all the peace and happiness life can offer.
Ok_Bench_8144
It’s a good thing yall didn’t have kids yet. You absolutely didn’t over react. The smirk your brother in law gave me would have sent me into a rage. Good for you for leaving. Do yall own or rent the house?
Butterfl_Blue0324
Not overreacting. You told her multiple times how you felt & she just ignored you. Now she FAFO
Designer_Ice_7368
Stop being the family’s ATM and free hotel. NTA.
Flimsy_Grocery_3227
You didn’t overreact.
She wants to be married to her brother and family so congrats to her lol. You can find better.
The next day OP posted this, “I hate you”:
I will never be able to forgive you, or your family. The way that your mom openly talked about intimacy and all the bodily sensations that she had with FIL was disturbing. And when I talked to you about it, you said that I was a prude, that your mom taught you that this is a natural thing.
Except that FIL left her for his coworker because he hates you all. Yeah, your dad f’d up and you hate him, but you still expect him to help you out. I told you long ago that your family’s intrusive behavior was hurting US.
The constant passive aggressiveness, your brother drinking straight from the juice carton in our refrigerator, that he cost him nothing. It wouldn’t have hurt him to pour it in a glass, but again, all of you are animals. Yes, you too.
All I wanted was to be able to keep our belongings in a good condition, and not to be constantly angry because you allowed your family to “borrow things”. I was a fool. I completely missed the truth. You didn’t want me. I don’t think you ever loved me.
I organized your birthdays, and I held out hope that your family and I would get along after every celebration, since the mood might help. But, your family always did something to remind me.
Remember how your cute other brother left a huge grease stain on our freshly painted garage and you yelled at me the minute I noticed? Remember how you said “what? Don’t start!!”? Yeah, because I guess I was good enough to pay for it but shouldn’t open my mouth.
I’m loathing you right now. Remember how you lied about taking a pay cut, but went ahead and gave your good for nothing brother a weekly payment so that he could appease his ex wife for unpaid child support? Remember how I found out because your w***e of a mother called me asking why the money hadn’t hit his account?
Remember how you withdrew affection because I was mad that you lied to me and on top of that, you said I will never be able to be “the same” as your family because “they were there first”? Remember how I cried and walked around with a knot in my throat because you said I was shitty and manipulative for feeling down and that I was crazy for feeling the way I did and that I was irritating?
You are not the person that I married and they are not the family that I once cared about. I moved away from my family to be with you. All of you, f*&^ you! I was never treated as family again after I objected to your brother taking liberties. Remember how I had to clean after they left a mess and you started calling me “anal” and OCD?
You made sure that I felt your abandonment. I don’t care how much you love you family, I’m just relieved that I’m out, despite all the pain that I’m feeling right now.
I’m glad your father finally divorced your mom. I used to feel so bad for her. But, she had it coming. Didn’t your Dad cheat on his ex and got your mom pregnant? Isn’t your golden child of a brother and affair baby? Yeah…40 something years later and she’s still paying for what she did. I used to judge your Dad for being a cheater but who knows, I guess your mother didn’t deserve better.
I wish you the worse in life, just like you gave me. I want you to have to cry in your car because you can’t even let it out at home. I wish you moments in which you don’t want to get home because you know there will be people who hate you sitting in the living room. I want you to feel lonely and to sit among people who will either tell insulting jokes to your face or simply ignore you.
Remember how they loved to tell jokes to diminish my confidence and you stayed quiet? Remember how you said I was too sensitive? Remember how your brother got jumped and got his ass kicked at work? Yeah, all of you cried injustice. Now I’m glad. I hope it happens again. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Here’s what people had to say after the second post rant.
YStampede
My guy, saw your other post too and totally get it. Genuinely maybe seek therapy for yourself to process and close this chapter in your life. Wishing you the best!
verydudebro
Wow, OP. I just read your previous post and now this. I hope it felt cathartic to release all this. Over and over again, she chose THEM, not you or your marriage. Give yourself time to grieve, to cry, to be angry, you deserve that inner closure. Lean into the pain. Eventually, you will heal and you will no longer care and you will find someone who appreciates YOU.
Dont let this s^&*$y person poison your thoughts and feelings about love and women and relationships. Wake up everyday THANKFUL you never had kids with her. Best of luck to you. Better days are ahead.
SavvyLogistician
I came here after I read your other post. Sounds like you are finally ripping the bandaid off. Hurts as hell at the moment, but the pain will be gone one day and things will be better.
Good luck with your new life. You know this is the end of something bad and a start of something better.
