AITAH for hearing my dad out about why he had an affair but still wanting no relationship with him and telling his family they don’t need to talk to me if they don’t like my decision?
When I (19M) was 13 my parents marriage broke down because my dad had an affair. He immediately moved in with the other woman and my parents divorced. At the time he wanted me to go to his new place and spend two weeks a month there but I didn’t want to be around him and the other woman and I didn’t want to be stuck in a pretend happy family dynamic with them. My dad fought for shared custody when I refused to go and for months it was a very bitter custody fight. In the end I was given permission to stay with mom and dad was awarded visitation some weekends where we would spend some time together but I was not forced to stay at his house.
I also told him I would run away if he brought the other woman.
My dad’s family asked me several times to go easier on him and to separate myself from my parents marriage. But that was not entirely possible and nobody in dad’s family understood where I was coming from. Maybe people won’t here but let me explain.
I found it really difficult when my parents marriage ended. Even without the affair it would be an adjustment. But without the affair it would have been way easier to get used to my parents not being together and accepting one day they would (maybe) be married to other people and would likely date other people. Instead I was immediately put in a position to deal with the divorce and having some strange woman my dad was sleeping with in the same house as him so if I lived with my dad for any part of the month I would be living with them as a couple.
Knowing that their relationship is what ended my parents marriage was just worse. It threw more at me to accept and none of the time to get used to the changes coming from the divorce. The fact my dad fought to make me stay there every other week was added to my difficulty with things. That’s not to even mention the hurt the affair caused my mom.
Two years ago the obligation to see my dad at all was ended and the choice was given to me by the judge. I decided to end the visitation. I still saw my dad’s family but not often. Once I turned 18 they put pressure on me to hear dad out and let him explain his side of things. He reached out too, and asked for it several times before I said yes.
He explained his reasonings for the affair and explained why things happened as they did. What it all came down to was he wanted to leave for at least 4 years but didn’t have the motivation until someone else was there and he was unsure about leaving so started the affair. He said my mom stopped making him happy and he was jealous of the success she was having in her career and it changed their marriage.
None of that justifies what he did in any way and that’s what I told him. He said he never wanted to hurt anybody. But I don’t think he cared. I think he mostly didn’t want to disrupt his own life without a reason and another woman ended up being that reason. He told me I was also thought of in his decision making and I clearly let him know that if that were true he wouldn’t have moved straight in with the other woman so I would have time to process. He even tried to tell me that he didn’t make me live with her or meet her. I had to remind him it was because the courts didn’t force it but that he sure tried to force it for a year. I told him I still didn’t want a relationship with him and I walked away from the conversation because for me it was done. There was nothing more to say.
My dad’s family got involved further and asked me why I wouldn’t want a relationship with my own dad and they said he explained so that should be enough for me to forgive and move on. I told them it wasn’t and I never said I would forgive and move on. I told them if they didn’t like it they could stop talking to me because my decision with dad is final. They asked me why I’m throwing away relationships so easily and they even said if I gave the other woman a chance I would really like her and we could all be a happy family. I told them it was never going to happen and they said I was acting rashly and with the thinking of a child instead of an adult and that I needed to realize I was going to end up all alone if I continued. I didn’t say anything else and I have ignored all calls and texts since because they’re still talking about my decision and what I told them.
AITAH?
