“My husband and I recently found out his daughter isn’t biologically his. He is spiraling. I don’t know what to do.”

“My husband and I recently found out his daughter isn’t biologically his. He is spiraling. I don’t know what to do.”

My husband has a daughter that predates our relationship, we also have 2 children of our own, one of which is severely disabled. He and his daughter’s bio mom never had a formal custody arrangement, but due to some recent drama and changes, it became apparent we needed to get something formal and court-ordered in place. So we consulted an attorney.

While on that course, we discovered that my husband wasn’t listed on the birth certificate. We had paternity testing done.My husband is not the biological father. He is absolutely devastated. He’s spiraling. He’s hurting so bad and I can’t do anything to take his pain away. We’ve hugged and cried together so many times this week.

He’s not OK. He’s flip-flopping through despair and anger. The anger scares me. His knuckles are all screwed up from punching something (he wouldn’t talk to me about what happened).

Crap is falling apart at home. My husband is in no place to be a father and partner right now. I sent our oldest to my sister’s but my youngest is having a really bad week with his medical issues. I think he picks up on the stress/mood of the house. We had to go to the ER last night due to the increased seizure activity.

When I came home. My husband was drunk. He became belligerent and demanded I have our sons tested too. He didn’t even ask how our son was doing. I was so pissed off but held my tongue and walked out of the room. I left a few gatorades and some asprin next to him after he passed out.

I’m trying to get him in to see a therapist. No dice so far. We haven’t told SD or Biomom yet. We’ve already skipped one of our regularly scheduled visitations with SD, and another is coming up soon. So that is going to need to be dealt with ASAP.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m so frayed right now. I don’t know how much longer I can hold things together.

I want off this ride.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

anormalfloridian wrote:

How old is the stepdaughter?

OP responded:

12.

marigoldilocks wrote:

They found this out from talking to a lawyer. His name isn’t on the birth certificate nor is the daughter biologically his. He’s trying to wrap his brain around it right now. Finding out his options legally moving forward is good, but only in so far as he wants options moving forward.

He’s currently going through the stages of grief and until he gets he gets past the betrayal and hurt and loss he’s feeling, he’s not going to make any kind of good decision at all. Same goes with therapy. Therapy works when you want to change. He’s drowning in his emotions but I’d lay odds that right now if someone threw him a lifeline to pull him out, he’d throw it back because he’d rather drown.

Therapy will be for after he’s been on a path of self-destruction. Maybe he’ll still have a marriage, maybe he won’t. It all depends on how long it takes him to figure out whether he wants to pursue a relationship with his daughter despite her being another man’s kid. If it’s fast, he has a good chance of coming out of this with his family intact.

If he just wants to see the world burn? It may be too late for any of his relationships. I hope he finishes wallowing in his pain and gets it together fast.

steppedinhairball wrote:

Your husband ABSOLUTELY needs to see a therapist. It’s clear he is NOT handling this news in a way that is even close to being even questionable. He is lashing out and you are in the crossfire. As for your child with disabilities, yes, they absolutely pick up on the stress in the house. I still remember the stress from my parents bad divorce 44 years ago. Still.

Your husband is clearly not in any shape to reason with. When he sobers up, he needs to get it in his head that he is his daughter’s father. It might not be his DNA, but he did the important daddy things. You would know what those are way better than us. He needs that reminder that in all the important ways, he is her daddy.

mimikyu74 wrote:

I would try your best to be there for him while also making sure your children are not affected. This is not your fault or the kids fault. And I would tell him if he can’t at least attempt to get a better control on things then he needs to stay somewhere else because it is negatively impacting his son!

And if he ain’t gonna be there for them and take care of him then you will. It can have life lasting affects on the kid and it’s not fair to him stand up for him please.

hdmx539 wrote:

OP, my heart goes out to you, and your husband, and your stepdaughter It is ALL so awful! Is there any possible way you can have a scheduled family therapist meeting when it’s your husband’s time for custody? He may need to have a session or two prior to that particular session so he can get a game plan on how to tell stepdaughter.

Further, the meeting with a family therapist while it’s his custody time is so that he can do it in session with the therapist there. Maybe just the two of them. Is that feasible?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update:

I had a couple people asking if I would update and let you guys know how my husband is doing now that we are a couple months out from our D day. Some things are better, and others are a hell of a lot worse. Not long after I posted, my husband and I had the biggest, full-blown drawn-out fight of our entire relationship. I honestly cannot even tell you how it started.

It was one of those little things that just triggered and all the stress, anger, resentment and other negative emotions we have been feeling were just completely taken out on one another. I took the kids and left afterwards. I refused to come home until my husband got his head out of his a** and talked to someone about all of this.

The silver lining to the big blow-out was it did spur my husband on to start dealing with everything. He has been to his doctor and has been prescribed medication and he has been looking for a therapist. He did a session with one, but didn’t particularly click with them. He is going to pursue others as our finances allow.

My husband and I discussed his drunken demand for paternity testing. I was able to express how hurtful that was to me. He apologized fully and has decided he does not need to have our sons tested right now. We’ve discussed options for what we’ll do if doubt continues to linger on my husband’s part, but as of now no testing is being done.

Husband and I are both trying our best to show each other grace on this matter. The “hell of a lot worse” part is what is going on with step-daughter. My husband had to take a few weeks without visitation to get his own emotions under control. Then we had our typical weekend visit. We did not tell step-daughter or bio mom about the test results yet, as we were still considering our options for the next move.

My husband had ultimately decided that he still wanted a relationship with his daughter and still wanted to pursue legal custody. The attorney we had consulted suggested that with our state’s laws and the established parental relationship, we should have a claim and could likely get court-ordered partial custody, but it would be a more complicated legal case.

So that’s all fine and dandy, but my husband in a very boneheaded move did not play his cards close enough to his chest with bio mom. Several weeks ago they had a verbal altercation.

We have not been able to get in contact with bio mom, her fiance or step daughter since. We contacted the authorities who told us this was a civil matter and we needed to go through the courts so no help there. Sorry. I wish I had a happier update, or more of an update in general.

Here’s what people had to say to OP’s update:

IntrovertedGiraffe wrote:

I cannot imagine how hard this must be on all of you. Could you try reaching out to the county sheriff’s office to ask for a wellness check on SD?

OP responded:

“Could you try reaching out to the county sheriff’s office to ask for a wellness check on SD?”

We have attempted that. We live in a rural township and our “police” is the county sheriff’s. They wouldn’t divulge any information. So no dice.

myboogerstastespicy wrote:

I am so sorry! It just gets worse for you and your family.

I hope biomom makes good choices and responds eventually. I’m hopeful for a good outcome. Wishing you peace and happiness. Much love.

OP responded:

Thank you so much for your kind words.

litl_boi wrote:

Now please don’t misunderstand me. But I think you should do a paternity test.

Yes, you feel hurt by the request. But after your husband’s experience with SD, he just needs certainty. He doesn’t even believe that you cheated on him. He just needs reassurance.

OP responded:

I’m OK doing paternity tests, but ONLY if he will do couple’s counseling. I will die on that hill. As of right now, husband has said he doesn’t feel the need for us to do a paternity test now that he’s come down a bit emotionally, and since we have a lot of other financial obligations on priority list ahead of paternity testing it’s waaaaaaaay on the back burner.

Reaper-glyth wrote:

I’m so sorry it’s been this rough on you, your husband, and the kids. Is it possible bio mum knew the entire time she wasn’t his but picked him as the dad anyway and now she’s probably ran off as it’s caught up to her (if that makes sense). I do hope your kids are ok through all of this too!!

Fights happen, it’s part of every relationship and if it managed to help the husband get his life sort of together then I’d say that singular fight was worth it. Keep your chins up!! Sending lots of hugs your family’s way and hoping you hear from step daughter soon!!!