AITAH I 27F want to leave my 8 year relationship with 29M because he won’t date me anymore. Are my expectations too much?
We’ve been together for almost 8 years, have a 6 year old son together. When we first started dating he was amazing, took me on trips and dates and planned things, bought flowers and little gifts. When we moved in together the dates and what not stopped and so did the flowers, but he wrote me little notes and we would clean the house together.
Then we had our son, and he was still doing little things here and there. Over time though, through many financial hardships, careers changes, and whatever else, all of that has stopped. We’ve had issues as far as boundaries and trust, but nothing like cheating. What I’ve noticed about myself is every few months, I tell him I’m not feeling loved, he says he’ll fix it, and it’ll be okay for a few weeks then it’s back to normal.
Normally when this happens though, he’s the type to bring up something he is unhappy about at the same time, so I end up apologizing and comforting him and I’m left with nothing. Regardless of everything, I still clean, cook, schedule things around our son, plan meals, budget and make sure the bills are paid, Christmas and birthdays all of it. All I ask of him is to take out the trash, do the litter box, and feed the cats. Half of the time that’s done partially because he’ll forget about the litter box, or he’ll take out the trash bag and put in a new liner but leave a full bag of trash by the front door until he’s ready to take it. No matter how I feel, I still put him and our family first bc that’s how I show love.
About 2 years ago, I got so fed up with not feeling loved and like I’m doing everything that I wanted to separate. I had found out he was lying about something we had agreed upon, and that led to a separation. I had been going to therapy and I wrote a list of everything that I look for in a relationship. I wanted him to plan things, make more effort, help cook and clean, I didn’t want to have to ask him to do things, I would love flowers, dates, and him to take the lead. I wanted honesty. He said he could do all these things.
We decide to get back together, and not even a week later I found out he lied to me again about the same thing that separated us. I told him he needed to find us a couples counselor or I was done. He contacted a few, never followed up, so then I found one in about 2 hours and had an appointment set up. We’ve been going to therapy and our therapist has said and agreed that just because he has me doesn’t mean he stops doing everything it took to get me. He needs to help me around the house. We need to communicate better. He says all the right things in therapy, and then barely does anything outside of it.
On paper, our relationship is fine. He doesn’t hit me or call me names, but he doesn’t do anything to make us feel like romantic partners. I’ve tried having sex with him more, I’ve tried planning and telling him ideas, and I get nothing. Finally, the other night I said I was done. He told me he knows he’s not putting in 100% effort.
He said “why should I do that when you’re already miserable, you’re never going to be happy” even though I’ve literally sent him an entire paper of what he could do to make me not miserable. I don’t want to tear apart my son’s life just bc I’m unhappy. Everyone I’ve spoken to regarding this says I deserve better, but I’m not sure if I believe it. A therapist I had a few years ago told me the grass isn’t greener and I’m never going to find someone perfect, but that’s not my goal. My goal is to find someone who loves me the way I love them. I’m scared bc I’m financially dependent on him since I don’t make enough at my job which means everything is going to change. I have no clue what to do.
I just want to know if my expectations are too high or I’m throwing away something just because of my expectations. He did propose to me whenever I was pregnant, but without a ring and we were laying on the couch. We haven’t gotten married yet because I’m still unsure on what to do.
