WIBTAH for ending a long friendship after being told I’m “too reactive” when I express hurt or set boundaries?
A few years ago I went through a really difficult period: an unhealthy marriage, substance use, hospitalization, and treatment. During that time I wasn’t very present or emotionally available, and my friend later shared that she felt abandoned by me. I understand that and have taken responsibility for it. Since then I’ve worked hard on sobriety, therapy, and changing how I show up in relationships, and I genuinely tried to repair things between us.
After reconnecting, we became very emotionally close again. She often encouraged deep conversations about processing grief (my mom passed when I was 6 months postpartum), relationships, and personal growth. I trusted her and opened up about a lot of vulnerable parts of my life.
Overtime I started feeling uncomfortable. I would leave our visits and then get home and be very angry at things that she said. I realized that she would ask me to open up, then give me her interpretation of my feelings. It felt a lot like she took control of the narrative of my life. It made me feel like I couldn’t trust my own reality a lot of the time.
The times I have stood up for myself and corrected her, she dismissed me or spoke over me. She has a dominant demeanour in conversation which I find intimidating.
She also brought me into a small spiritual group she led of 5 of us. I was encouraged to share very deeply very quickly, and while everyone was kind, she told me I had to just “trust the coven” and open up about childhood trauma so she could do energy work on me.
I didn’t want to as I had only met two of the women a couple times, but I did anyways. But I still continued to show up for our “women’s circles” and share intimate details about my life while pushing past what I now realize was my body saying “this is too personal I don’t feel safe” because I thought I had to.
I started to question that dynamic and how she made me feel.
A few months ago after talking with my therapist I decided I would stop giving her so much emotional access.
She eventually asked about me being distant and I told her that I had set a boundary that I wouldn’t be so emotionally open because there were certain things she did that hurt me. She was dismissive and it didn’t go anywhere.
Months go by and we barely speak. I eventually bring it up because I care about her and want us to work towards repair. I told her that it hurt my feelings that she didn’t show any curiosity towards the ways she hurt me that caused me to pull back.
She then tells me I have a “pattern of being reactive” when I express hurt or boundaries and that those conversations make her feel unsafe, which is why she didn’t show curiosity.
I felt awful and surprised by this, so I asked if she could tell me a time that happened because if I’m being reactive unknowingly, that’s something I need to work on and bring to therapy.
She couldnt give me any examples because of “mom brain” which I kinda scoffed at because I remember all the incidents she hurt me the past few years, and I am also postpartum.
Either way I thought she was referring to how I used to be. I responded to that by saying “I hear you’re still carrying feelings about how I handled things years ago, and I’ve worked and continue to work really hard to change those patterns.. At the same time, you past experience of me doesn’t change how your behaviours are impacting me now”
She then says she feels she’s not being received well, clarifies that this is a current pattern of mine and not an old one, and that she doesn’t want to continue the conversation.
I felt kind of blindsided by the entire interaction because it really doesnt line up with how ive experienced the last few years. I also took my time between voice notes to relisten to what she said and to regulate myself to make sure my tone and phrasing wasn’t aggressive.
And don’t get me wrong, I absolutely used to be reactive when I was in my early twenties, and I own that. But since getting sober I go into freeze/fawn/shut down mode which is why I felt I had to set the initial boundary in the first place.
What she stated is just not sitting right with how I’ve experienced our friendship the last few years. It kinda feels like she’s avoiding my feelings and turning it back onto me, but I don’t think she’d do that consciously or maliciously. Maybe I’m just feeling defensive.
What she says doesnt align with my reality and now I’m worried I’m delusional or something.
WIBTAH for letting go of this friendship over all of this? Am I missing something or seeing things unclearly? And is sending a goodbye message explaining my decision the right thing?
TL;DR
After addiction recovery I repaired a close friendship. Over time she began taking a more emotionally/spiritually authoritative role and often interprets my feelings instead of accepting my perspective. I’ve started feeling invalidated and unsafe speaking honestly. When I tried to address it privately, she said I have a “pattern of being reactive,” couldn’t give examples, and shut down the conversation. Im also feeling put off by the women’s circle group she founded where she gets us to share intimate details about past trauma so she can do energy work on us. I’m wondering if stepping away is reasonable or if I’m over analyzing everything.
Edit: updated tldr for clarity after feedback
