“My best friend (20M) asked me (20M) out. I said yes. I didn’t know it was a date.”
I’m an idiot. I’ll try to keep this short. Also, I was a bit drunk when this happened. Noah and I have been best friends since 2nd grade. We live together with one other friend near the college we go to together. He came out to me when we were in high school. It didn’t change anything. When we got to college, I came out as bisexual.
Last night we were hanging out with some friends and I had a bit to drink. When we were walking home I could tell he was nervous so I asked what was up. He asked if I wanted to go out with him. He literally said “do you want to go out with me.”
I don’t know why, but I thought he meant as friends. Thinking back he made it really obvious it was a date, but I’m an idiot and I was still a bit drunk. I said yes. He suggested Saturday night. I said yes.
I left to go to the gym before he got up so I didn’t see him. While I was at the gym, the friend we live with texted me that Noah was really happy this morning and she didn’t know we were going to go on a date. She congratulated me and said we make a cute couple. This happened literally six minutes ago.
I’m panicking right now. I don’t know what to do. I love him but he’s like my brother. I can’t go out with him. How can I tell him I’m not interested without embarrassing him more than I have to? I don’t want to mess up our relationship. We’re supposed to have lunch together in a few hours. What do I do?
tldr: I’m an idiot. My best friend asked me out. I said yes. I didn’t know it was a date. How do I fix this as easily as possible for him?
This is what people had to say to OP:
Doughchild said:
There’s no easy fix. Contact him and clarify: “Noah, did you ask me out on a date or are we going out as friends?” It’s going to hurt him regardless. The less time you allow him to dream about this, the fewer fantasies he can build. Likely, rejection is the end of your friendship, but it’s more fair that way than him sticking around to think he’ll eventually have a chance.
ActuallyParsley said:
It really, really doesn’t have to be the end of friendship, though. Sure, it’ll be awkward, and he might need some space to deal with it, but I have several friendships that have survived unrequited romantic interest on either side.
arcxiii said:
Be direct. Tell him you need to talk and in person let him know that you don’t have romantic feelings for him. Do it as soon as possible so he doesn’t keep telling others.
OP responded:
I didn’t even think about him telling other people. That would be so embarrassing for him if I wait and he tells anyone else. I can’t see him until lunch in person though. Should I wait? And what do I say?
I know I tell him I don’t feel the same way, but do i say anything else? Do I say sorry for not realizing? Do I tell him that he’s like my brother and that’s why? And what do I do after? We live together so we can’t really avoid each other if he wants space.
pmmehighscores said:
Apologize for accepting the date and let him know he’s like family to you and you don’t feel that will ever transition to something romantic. I mean it might be rough on him but really you need to shut down his romantic interests ASAP if you want to continue your friendship.
Make sure to ask him if he needs some space to process this. Maybe spend a bit less time together temporarily that way he can move on mentally.
OP responded:
How can I let him have space without it seeming like I’m pushing him away? If I stop spending time with him it’ll feel like I’m avoiding him. I don’t want him to feel abandoned right after getting rejected. He’ll feel like he ruined our relationship. But I don’t want to impose on him after he gets rejected either if he needs space.
lalenavari said:
Go on the date, see if you feel something and then if not tell him you don’t think it would work out.
OP later shared this update:
Thank you guys so much for the advice. I only saw the first 30 something comments until just now, and I’m blown away by how many people have commented to give me advice. I tried to take a lot of the advice I got, but some of it was contradictory so I couldn’t do all of it. Thanks again to everyone who gave advice, even if I didn’t see it until after we talked.
I texted Noah and asked if we could skip lunch and go home instead so we could talk. I tried not to make the conversation dramatic. I apologized to him for misunderstanding him, and told him I knew it must have taken a lot of courage for him to ask me out. I told him that he was my best friend, I loved him, and that would never change, but I had never thought about a romantic relationship with him.
I apologized for messing up and getting his hopes up. He asked a few questions, like did I really not know he meant it as a date. He apologized for “screwing things up” between us, but I told him that I wasn’t uncomfortable with him feeling that way about me.
I told him that I understood if he wanted space to process it, and I would give it to him if he wanted, but I also told him how important he is to me and how much I love him. He said he didn’t think he wanted space. He just wanted to try to move on with the secret out.
We’ve always been totally open with each other (well, except for him liking me I guess) and he said he was happy he wasn’t keeping his feelings a secret anymore. We had a cheesy moment where I told him he could always talk to me, about anything. It was like straight out of a romcom. We talked for a long time after that.
Apparently he’s had a crush on me since before he came out in high school, and after he had a few drinks last night he decided screw it, why not try. By the time he had to leave for his class this afternoon, things felt normal. I don’t feel weird knowing about his crush, and he doesn’t seem to feel hurt or anything because of my screw up.
Maybe just a little sad. I’ll definitely keep an eye on how we interact and how he acts for a while. A few people warned me against accidentally flirting with him, and I’ll try to keep anything like that in check.
I guess this is a happy ending. I know there are still things to be aware of, but right now it looks like the conversation went pretty well. Thanks everyone for commenting and supporting. It helped me not just with advice but also with calming me down when I was really panicky this morning.
Three months later, OP shared this second update:
First of all, I wanted to thank people for responding. I was majorly panicking when I wrote the post, and the comments I got helped a ton to get me to relax before talking to Noah. I wasn’t expecting such a huge response at the time and I was amazed, but looking back now I can see why it got so much attention. It was a pretty weird situation.
Next, I want to say we are both men (apparently this makes a big difference for some people in terms of advice). Some of the people who assumed I was a woman also made some weird comments and sent me some pretty gross messages. If you did this, please stop. That’s not cool.
I gave a bit of an update as an edit to the original post, but now since it’s been 3 months I thought I’d give you all an update about how things have been going since then, since it seems like there’s been a bit of interest, and I’m still really thankful to all of you for helping me out.
Noah is doing really well. I could tell he was still a bit embarrassed for the first couple weeks, but after that he told me again that he was still happy he asked me because now he knew how I felt and he could get over it. He also thanked me for taking it so well, which is definitely thanks to what a lot of you said, so I guess I’m sort of passing his thanks on to you 😛
One of the commenters said I should be careful not to do anything that seemed like flirting with him, so I tried keep that in check (we used to hug a lot, sit really close together, and tell each other flirty jokes, you get the idea, but I toned those all down a lot to give him space and not mess with his feelings).
I honestly think I see now why he thought I might be into him, because my relationship with him was very affectionate. It’s been a lesson for me on how to be more aware of how other people are interpreting my signals.
About a month after he asked me out, he asked me if I wanted to go to a gay bar with him. He made it super clear that it wasn’t a date, but he did it in a really sarcastic way, which was a little embarrassing for me but also I think it was good that he could joke about it.
So we went to a local gay bar together and we had a really good time. He’s a bit introverted, so I played the wingman, and he ended up flirting with this really cute guy and he just seemed really happy.
That was like two months ago and we’ve gone to the same bar a couple more times since then. He’s been getting a bit more comfortable putting himself out there which is really cool to see, and he’s just been more open and happy for the last two months, always smiling and eager to go do stuff. Not sure how it’s related but it’s a noticeable change from before he asked me out.
I’m doing great too. I’m just really happy that I didn’t hurt our relationship and that he’s so happy. I also learned some important things from this whole situation about communication and being aware of how I present myself. Important lessons. I actually think I feel more confident now too, since he asked me out. Getting asked out feels good man.
It sounds kind of weird, but I think it made us closer. We’ve started talking about relationships more, which isn’t something we really talked about before. He’s gone on a few dates and he tells me about them, and the most recent guy he went out with he was really excited about, and I think he might be headed for his first serious relationship, which is amazing!
That’s actually what made me think of this post and decide to give you all an update.
TL;DR: So yeah, our relationship wasn’t ruined and I still have my best friend. He’s doing really well and I love seeing him so happy. Thanks again for the help!
