AITJ for refusing to keep babysitting my best friend’s kids and basically feeding them every week?
I (26F, Faith) have been best friends with Lilly (27F) since high school. She has two kids (5 and 3). I love them, and before this all blew up, I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them.
Over the past year, Lilly has been relying on me more and more for quick favors that slowly turned into full-on childcare. At first it was can you watch them for an hour while I run to the store? Then it became Can they just stay with you until dinner? I’m exhausted. And recently I’ll drop them off before work. You’re home anyway.
For context I work from home. I don’t have kids. I’m not their emergency contact. And I’m definitely not financially in a place where feeding two extra children multiple times a week is easy. The thing is, Lilly never packs them food. Ever. No snacks. No diapers half the time. And when I ask, she says her budget is tight and she figured I already have food in the house. Which is true, but it’s my groceries. I’m already stretching things for myself.
Two weeks ago she dropped the kids off without even asking while I was in the middle of a meeting. Just knocked, waved, and left. I ended up having to feed them lunch and miss half my workday. That night, I finally told her we needed boundaries. I said I can’t babysit unless I agree in advance, and she needs to send food or money for meals.
She got really cold and said she thought friends help each other and that she doesn’t have anyone else. Then she accused me of acting brand new because I’ve helped before. A few days later, she sent a long text saying she feels abandoned, that I don’t understand how hard motherhood is, and that it must be nice having a child free life where your friends struggles are an inconvenience.
Now she’s barely speaking to me unless it’s passive-aggressive. Our mutual friends are split some think she’s using me, others think I should be more compassionate.
I feel awful because I do care about her and her kids, and I know she’s overwhelmed but I also feel like she’s crossing so many boundaries that I’m basically a free nanny and meal plan at this point.
So AITJ for refusing to keep babysitting and feeding my best friend’s kids?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
sensarael
You’re not the jerk. She’s treating you like a backup parent with a pantry. Friends help, yes-but help isn’t supposed to be unlimited, unannounced, and unpaid. You didn’t sign up to be her village. She’s mad because you stopped being convenient, not because you stopped being a friend.
lurexael
“Backup parent with a pantry” is the most accurate description of this situation. You’re not a friend. You’re a resource she’s been mining for free labor and grocerie.
DivineMaxx
NTA. Helping occasionally is friendship. Dropping kids off without asking and expecting you to feed them every week is taking advantage. Working from home does not mean you’re free childcare. Boundaries are healthy, not selfish.
ellexyn
She’s not mad that you stopped being a friend. She’s mad that you stopped being convenient. Those are two different things, and only one of them is about you.
Ok-Discipline-4350
NTA at all, this hits way too close to home for me. Had a similar situation with my sister where “quick favors” turned into me basically being unpaid childcare while she lived her life. The dropping kids off during your work meeting without asking is absolutely unacceptable – that’s treating you like hired help, not a friend.
Your friend is manipulating the hell out of you with that “friends help each other” guilt trip. Real friends don’t dump their responsibilities on you and then get mad when you set reasonable boundaries.
The fact that she never brings food or diapers shows she’s not planning these as emergencies, she’s planning to use you. I bet if you tallied up how much you’ve spent feeding her kids over the past year it would be a pretty shocking number.
Don’t let the mutual friends who think you should be “more compassionate” guilt you either – bet none of them are volunteering to be the free babysitter. You’re allowed to have a life and work schedule that doesn’t revolve around someone else’s poor planning. Stand firm on those boundaries because if you give in now, it’s only going to get worse.
Ok-Razzmatazz-6953 (OP)
Exactly what I’m saying if they care that much the should volunteer and take turns helping out. Thank you very much, I hope you and your sister didn’t end in a conflict.
dont_know_throwaway
Wait she expects a child free person to have diapers at their house?
She isn’t your best friend. And hasn’t been for awhile.
Ok-Razzmatazz-6953 (OP)
I’m so confused as well, I can’t continue like this.
Electronic_Wait_7500
Don’t understand how hard motherhood is? Please. She doesn’t have one, she has two. That means she knew how hard it was before she did it again. You didn’t knock her up, so they aren’t yours to raise and feed.
Ok-Razzmatazz-6953 (OP)
Thank you.. as a fact I figured it’ll be hard that’s why I don’t have any kids yet.
worldwidemonopoly
HARD NTA but you WILL BE if you continue to let her behavior slide. She is using you as a free babysitter and will continue to do so if you let her guilt-tripping get to you. Why stretch yourself so thin for kids that aren’t even yours?
They’re not your responsibility—they’re hers. Sure, they’re completely innocent in the situation, but it’s still not your responsibility to put your life on hold for them. You’re kinder than me; I would’ve flipped out if my friend knocked and left without any warning tbh.
Heretoread-27
I’m a mother of 2 and I find her behaviour highly inappropriate. We indeed need a village but when you work from home it’s still working. And if your financially in a delicate spot its absolutely not ok to think you can provide for them.
And to use you as free childcare. Mothers need indeed a village but that’s not a reason for the same person to accept everything every time. If she wanted the child free life she should have been that herself.
