“I just discovered my husband of 9 years has children….”

“I just discovered my husband of 9 years has children….”

I can’t even wrap my head around what is happening right now! I’m going to try and be as rational as possible. The Background: We met 13 years ago and feel madly in love. We still are what everyone calls the perfect couple, and up until the other night I believed it! We talk openly and honestly (I thought) about everything.

We are best friends, have amazing intimacy, travel twice a year and have made an amazing home together. We don’t have any children, something we decided before getting married for various reasons. We were both happy with the decision because we have such a great life, just us, the 3 cats and the dog. I’ve been nothing but thrilled with our relationship and the life we’ve built.

When we met I knew that he had a ex-wife. He didn’t like talking about her, but I know she was pretty awful. Emotionally controlling, and I think even a bit physically toxic too. She had an affair leading up to there divorce. She really did a number on him and he was single a long time until he started dating again (which was me).

I’ve always sense there was something he couldn’t quite tell me. He is always a cheerful guy around people and even with me, but once I heard him crying in the shower and sometimes I’ll come into a room and he’ll just be staring at a wall, looking absolutely depressed.

When I talk to him, he’ll say something sweet, like he was thinking about what his life would be if he never met me or if he lost me. I thought it was weird because I don’t think like that, but I believed him, because why wouldn’t I?

The Truth comes out: Last weekend we were at his families house for a big get together (they do this all the time). He usually drinks when he’s with his brother but this time he was really putting them back. Normally, he is a really happy friendly drunk, this time he was argumentative and standoffish.

I let him be and was hanging out with my SIL for ages. When I went looking for him he was in the basement with his brother. The steps down are behind the couch that they were sitting. I heard them talking as I was going down, and my husband was saying things like “18, man, wow!” and stuff about missing so much.

His brother was confronting him. When I made my presence known (I wasn’t even down the stairs yet not trying to ease drop) my husband got mad like I’ve never seen him. He was telling me to go back upstairs and leave him alone. I was really hurt having never been talked to like that. I did go back up for a while until my BIL said that he was going to sleep it off there and he’ll see me in the morning.

My finally comes home after 11 am very unwell and is apologetic, saying he need to have a serious talk. I’d been up all last night freaking out. I know it seems weird but we’ve never been apart at night. I think he’s having an affair, wants a divorce, etc. He tell me that he had two children with his ex-wife (WHAT?!).

The son was 5 and daughter was 2 when they got divorced. When the ex-wife decided to marry the guy she was having an affair with she asked that my husband give up his rights and let her new husband adopt them (is that even legal?!). He said she threatened and manipulated him until he agreed. The story was really long but that’s the idea. We talked the whole day, but I just can’t understand.

The children are not children anymore. The girl just turned 18. It was her birthday that night he got so drunk. The son is 21. He wants to contact them now that they are grown and can get in touch with them without having to go through the mother. I don’t know if that’s even a good idea.

How could he give up his children? How could he allow someone so unstable to raise them? How could he lie to me for 13 years?! It might be selfish, but I’m most upset about that. He’s family obviously knew and I’m super close with them! I don’t know if I can trust him. To lie about something so big for so long. He said it’s because he was deeply ashamed. I don’t think that’s good enough. What now?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Kay_Elle said:

I’m so sorry. This sounds so very much like my mom’s story. Long story short, my mom didn’t know my dad had a child from a previous marriage until after I was born, several years into the marriage.

Very similar story: dad and first wife split when my half sister was a toddler, my dad gave up parental rights and the girl was raised by her mom and stepdad. I didn’t know she existed until I was a teen, because my mom & her family were (understandably) so angry they went on pretending she didn’t exist.

Safe to say, my half sister is the biggest loser in this. Never, to this day, have I been able to understand how people can lie about things like that. Anyway, that’s not advice. I’d say: allow yourself to be angry. You have every right to be (even though he might have had his reasons).

In any case, only you can decide whether or not you want to continue your marriage after this breach of trust. I’d say give it time to sink in, talk to him, then go from there. Have all my internet hugs.

kam0706 said:

Here’s my hypothetical: The expiration of his first marriage was not all about her being a crazy b. I bet a good share of the issues were him. No-one would give up their rights to custody of their children with a mother they believed to be unstable.

I’d bet he thought at the time, he was doing the best thing for them, letting them all be a family with the new husband. And he just focussed on moving on. And while its going to take you a LONG time to come to grips with this, I think you should absolutely encourage him to make contact with them.

said:

If he was able to lie about this for so long I’d suggest you consider his stories about his allegedly evil ex-wife with a skeptical eye.

SRK2272 said:

This makes me nervous about the human capacity to lie. This is not a small deal and I definitely think that if you choose you want to stay with him (which, I mean, 13 years and an otherwise great relationship. It’s not like he cheated) you should both attend some kind of couples therapy to work through the trust issues, and the family issues.

Also I think he should check into the legality of it and decide if he really wants a relationship with them. If he does he’s making a pretty big commitment, and it should not be a whim decision.

TexasVendee said:

As someone with two kids (5 and 2) I cannot even begin to imagine giving up my parental rights. The very idea is just foreign, I would think there has to be a lot more to this story because this doesn’t make any sense.

nicih said:

This is a shock for you, I bet! But I beg you, please let him do that. Please let him contact them. My mother is a narcissist and cut all us three children completely away from my dad when I was 3, my brother was 1 and my sister was 4.

I suffered so much all my life, until at 18, when finally away from my mom found my dad in another country. I was so happy, beyond happy. My father was too. God I know his pain about not being able to contact us for over 15yrs, and it was horrible for him, as it was for all us children. Plus that our mother was a horrible mom…

I understand you are shocked, you have to be. But please listen to him, support him, and TRY to understand. You don’t have to understand, you have every right to be upset, marriages should involve telling another about children, and other big things, practically everything.

But I bet he has just been so devastated and ashamed about him not being able to be in contact with his own children. A man does not want to look week and helpless in the eyes of the one he loves and cherishes more than anything. I send you all my strength, hugs.

FIRST UPDATE:

I’ve been dealing with my anger towards this situation. I can’t say I’m over it, but really, it’s only been about a week and a half. We’ve talked and talked, and while I still don’t agree with his decision of keeping me in the dark, I’m trying to accept it.

The whole giving up his kids thing makes me uncomfortable, and I haven’t gotten much more explanation, but I can’t even begin to put myself in that situation so I take his word that he did what he had to. I talked to his family as well. They didn’t know too much about the situation because him and the wife lived on the other side of the country.

The wife didn’t really like visiting them and they were only invited over once after the children were born (5 years!). It wasn’t a pleasant holiday and all the family felt very uncomfortable. Apparently they were not made to feel welcome (by her).

After my finding out about my husbands children he’s felt like now he can make real efforts into trying to find them. The one main thing holding him back was not wanting to do something like this behind my back and being so afraid of telling me.

So he did some proper searching on facebook, not just in the area that he left them, but the whole country. He had to weed through lots of people, even contact a few that weren’t right, but he found the girl and she replied. They spoke on the phone.

They talked a long time and here’s what he learned:

1) His son is in prison on drug related charges. He is 1 year in on a 3 year sentence.

2) She has a two year old and is pregnant(at 18!). Neither babies’ father are in the picture.

3) She didn’t finish high school

4) She doesn’t even remember the guy that her mom married after my husband because he left them early on

5) The mom was a single mother with men in and out all the time. Real losers.

6) The kids where always told that their daddy didn’t want them. When they would be bad, the mom would say “see, this is daddy left you”

7) Her mom and her live together, neither work.

8) The mom is a drunk and sounds like a mean one

Husband is really depressed about how things worked out for them. He wonders what would have happened if he fought for them. He offered to meet with the daughter. She wasn’t too eager but didn’t say she was against it. More of a “yeah, one day maybe” kind of thing. She did ask for money though.

He sent her $5k a few days ago. Yesterday she called looking for more, saying she had to pay off her debt and now needs money for the baby. He feels so bad about everything so he’s going to send the same again.

I have a feeling it’s never going to stop. We are successful people and have the money, but I feel he’ll be taken advantage of. It’ll always be “for the baby” and I don’t see him ever being able to say no. When he’s son is out is he going to expect the same thing?

Is this something he should be doing to make up for his mistakes? I don’t want to be a horrible person here, but the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. I didn’t sign up for kids and grandkids and now our money is going to them.

Here’s what people had to say to OP about the update:

emptyhunter said:

After reading the original post and now this update I felt bad for your husband (and also for you, this was more than a white lie to hide from your wife of 9 years), but then you say he sent them 5 grand. What on earth is this man doing?

You don’t send $5k to someone you haven’t even met. You just don’t. He probably can’t make up for his mistakes, but that doesn’t mean he should throw money at people he doesn’t really know. What he can do is try and form a relationship with his grown children that is based on something other than money.

This situation is just bizarre. Getting to know his kids is one thing but throwing vast amounts of money at people he barely knows is another. Can you (or someone else) put some sense into him?

wise-up said:

So he feels comfortable contacting the kids now, because you know the truth and he doesn’t have to go behind your back? So…if he had told you about the kids earlier, he might have been willing to find them sooner?

By deceiving you about the kids for the last 13 years, he not only jeopardized your trust in him, but he kept himself from contacting the kids in order to keep up that deception. And now it’s sounding like his kids could really have benefitted from a stable parent in their lives, even occasionally.

I can’t say that I blame those kids for not wanting a relationship with him. Their mother is a heinous person for telling them that their dad didn’t want to see them, and she’s not off the hook here. but while nothing justifies her saying that to the kids, unless your husband has a really compelling explanation for why he left his kids in that situation, isn’t that at least partly true?

Obviously he shouldn’t give them money that he can’t spare, but helping them out a bit when he can afford it is the least he can do. And since you’re married to him, that’s going to affect you financially as well.

fostertherabbits said:

I’d suggest you set up your banking arrangements carefully. You should have three accounts between the two of you, one for common expenses – mortgage, utilities, household expenses go into this account. It can be 50/50 or split depending on how much money you make (if you make 60K a year and he makes 40K, do a 60/40 split).

Use direct deposit for this. All the other $ goes into your own individual account. Do NOT get a debit card for the joint account. If you can pay all bills online, don’t even get a checkbook. And make it so both of you have to authorize any transfers out of the account.

If you have any joint credit cards with him, you may want to consider closing those accounts. He’s acting out of guilt here and not making anything close to rational decisions. Regardless of what happens with the relationship, you need to protect yourself.

istara said:

Quite frankly I could see you divorcing over this. I don’t think I could cope in your shoes. He now faces a lifetime of (deserved, let’s face it) guilt for abandoning his kids, who are now trainwrecks partly as a result. No wonder he feels it’s time to pay up.

But he’s a tap now, a tap that will be dripped dry if he’s not careful. And it’s your water supply too. I suggest a better thing to do would be to see a lawyer, and either set aside some money in a trust for them (at age 25 or age 30…

They’ll probably still be trainwrecks but it’s better than nothing) and/or write them into his will in a modest way. If he and the lawyer and you feel it’s appropriate. Then as others suggest, try to establish a non-money-based relationship with them.

woeno said:

Why are you trying to accept his “decision” to deceive you? What kind of person abandons his kids? This is making you uncomfortable because it tells you what kind of person your husband really is. I’m sure it probably hurts to realize.

The mother (whether she’s a drunk loser or not) didn’t need to tell the kids that their daddy didn’t want them; his absence from their lives spoke volumes. I’m assuming he didn’t pay child support either? Did he terminate his rights?

Depending on where and how that whole situation went down, he could find himself on the hook (and thus you too) for 18 years worth of back child support for two kids.

[deleted] said:

Oh man. After he gave up all his parental rights so the step dad could adopt the kids, the step dad just LEFT?! Oh god, I can’t even imagine how that feels for your husband. However. I’m a professional in my 30s, very little debt, no savings.

Ten grand would change my life, so I can’t imagine what it’d do for a poor 18-year-old with two kids. I know your husband exactly as much as the daughter does, and he’s sent her TEN GRAND in TWO DAYS.

You’re 100% right to be concerned about this. Is your husband in therapy? This is a major life-changing event, for both of you, and you probably need some tools to deal with it.

SECOND UPDATE:

Things have spiraled out of control. I can’t believe how fast this is all happening. I mentioned in some comments last time about how I convinced my husband to not send any more money to his daughter without even meeting her, that there were better means of handling the situation. He agreed (not easily though as she was really was saying how desperate she was) and told his daughter.

I was around while he was on the phone with her and did hear parts of the conversation. He actually blamed me for the change of plan and I could tell he was desperately trying to be the good guy (which, after everything, I can understand). She got angry, yelled at him and cried for a long time.

When things calmed down he said that he was happy to go see her as soon as possible, take her shopping, stock her up on nappies, formula, food for her, whatever she needed. She said that it would be a lot easier to just transfer the money again and she’d go get that. Thankfully he stood his ground. She eventually relented and he booked a flight out last weekend.

He went on his own which I thought was the right thing to do. I barely heard anything until he got back (checked in via text a couple of times). That was a bit odd because we are always in contact, even just during working hours.

He got home on Sunday night (he was there from Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening staying at a hotel). That night it was like prying teeth to try and get anything out of him. He was in a horrible mood. The next day I found out the whole story.

His daughter and ex are living in squalor. They have a tiny basement flat where the daughter and baby sleep in the one bedroom and the mom sleeps on the couch. The place is filthy, tiles missing in the ceilings, paint coming off the walls, etc.

The mother looks extremely unwell (her skin is like she’s in her 60s, skeleton thin, yellowed eyes, etc). The daughter is very overweight (knew she was from pictures) and he gets the impression she lays about the house all day.

The ex was surprisingly indifferent towards him. He said it was all the fight had gone out of her and she’s given up. She was constantly drinking and smoking, even around the baby.

He didn’t think they daughter was smoking or drinking while pregnant or at least not while he was there. He wanted to know what the money had gone to. She explained about back rent, bills, credit cards, etc. He didn’t ask to see anything, I think I would have.

He took her shopping as promised. There wasn’t much room for stocking up but he got her enough to get her through a fortnight or so. He hired a cleaning service to go there this week. He got her a mattress as her’s was moldy, a better crib, linens, all kinds of things to make the place more livable. As for his getting to know her, I felt like it didn’t go well but he didn’t want to speak badly of his own daughter.

He seems so conflicted. He wasn’t able to visit the son yet. So Monday I learn the whole story, and Tuesday he drops this bomb shell on me. He wants to get her out of that situation and away from the mother. He wants her to come live with us.

We have a beautiful flat above the garage. It’s fully self contained and we have guests stay there. It’s a decent size and a big step up from what he described. He wants to keep her close rather then renting her an apartment to keep an eye on her. He wants to help her get healthy, go to school, work, all that good stuff.

I think it’s a really nice thing that he’s trying to do. He wants to start moving on it right away, so she can settle in before the baby is born. After “sleeping on it” he really wants an answer for me. Yeah, I’m going to need a bit more time!

It may be selfish, but I’ve asked him what my rule in this will be. He assures me that my life isn’t going to change much, that she will be his responsibility and that he just might not have as much time to devote to me. We’ve always been the kind of couple that really enjoys each others company. I would be willing to accept some less time from him, but I don’t want to play grandma.

What do you guys think? Is there anyway this situation can work? The more I think about it, I honestly can’t see life without my husband, he really is my other half. I’m still mad at him for the deceit, but I don’t think I could actually ever leave him.

Taking on a mother/grandmother role though is something I really don’t want for myself. I mean, if it possible to have them living on the same property as me, having a relationship with my husband but me? Would that even work? Or do I just need to suck it up expand my family?

Here’s what people had to say to OP about the second update:

regular_gonzalez said:

Bleh, what a nightmare situation. One thing that especially concerns me is how he wants to be the “good guy” and make you out to be the mean harpy. Especially coming after all the deception about the kids, that’s concerning and it’s not how good marriages work.

Marriage is a partnership — it’s not (imo anyway) two people who like each other cohabitating and going about their lives; in a way, it’s like a new, 3rd entity that is created when you say you’re going to spend the rest of your life with that person. There’s you, him, and ‘us’, and the us is the most important person in the relationship.

Your marriage should be the strongest and most important relationship in your life. If his gut reaction is to say “Daughter, it’s cool w/ me but the wife says no so, sorry” your marriage is already in huge trouble.

His first reaction should have been to talk to you before committing one way or the other and the two of you reach a mutual decision, which is then presented to his daughter as something the two of you are in agreement on.

When you get married, you in effect have said to your spouse, “Of every single person I’ve ever known, you are the person I most want to spend my time alive with”. I know marriage is deprecated these days, but in my mind it’s the ultimate commitment — you’re going to spend 70-80 years on this world, and you’ve decided to spend the vast majority of them with one specific person.

That’s a huge commitment and should be treated with all due respect and seriousness. You’ll almost surely outlive your parents. You’ll see your siblings and relatives a couple times a year. You and your spouse will be together almost daily for, god willing, 40-50 years.

They are the most important person in your life, full stop. If he doesn’t feel that way about you, there’s absolutely no reason to marry. Shack up and have good times until you get tired of each other. But if he makes that kind of commitment, he should be prepared to follow through. And yet he clearly didn’t when he married you under deceptive and false pretenses.

I really can’t offer specific advise about your scenario because it’s something I’ve never been in and can’t even begin to imagine how I would react. But your husband’s behavior towards and about you is a different matter, and one that is hugely concerning. I would probably talk to him and say something like “You lied to me about your children.

We can possibly work through that, but only if we have complete honesty and unity in all things going forward — not just re: the daughter situation, but everything. If there are more omissions, if there are more lies, we’re done.

We have to be of one mind on the situation — not necessarily in complete agreement between ourselves, but common agreement on our actions regarding the situation. You have to start trusting me and respecting my views, not selling me as the bad guy. If we’re not together on this, we’re not together.”

He has to trust in you implicitly, as you do him, for a successful partnership. No betrayals of word or deed, which the omission about children and the undermining of you as his wife with regard to his daughter have both been.

Aleutienne said:

Oh, lord, girl – he’s delusional. If he thinks bringing his daughter and her kids to live with y’all isn’t going to utterly overturn your life, he’s either in denial or is lying to you to secure your agreement to his plan.

I would be very concerned about the permanence of his assistance. She doesn’t sound particularly motivated or responsible (her being sketchy about wanting the $5k really worries me) and if his ‘help’ doesn’t result in actual independence and self-reliance on a reasonable timeline, then it’s not really help – it’s just guilt-fuelled enabling.

Unfortunately, it’s my opinion that his desire to help has come far too late to be anything that could possibly turn her life around. Unless she WANTS to improve her situation, (and personally, if she’s laying around the squalid house all day, her motivation isn’t looking too strong), she’s an adult who can’t be made to improve. If he takes on that kind of person, she may never leave.

I can’t even IMAGINE – I don’t understand how you’re not just absolutely enraged. Your husband has kept something monumental from you for years! He lied about HAVING KIDS, and now he wants to soothe his guilty conscience by upending your lives into something you did not sign up for – because his assertion that it’s ‘not going to change your life’ is utter crap.

A lot of money, time, and grief is about to get funneled into that apartment above the garage if he moves her in, and it’s not just his money, time, and grief, it’s yours too. “Still mad” doesn’t even scratch the surface.

happly said:

Unless you are happy with the idea of looking after your husband’s daughter financially, and regularly babysitting for the foreseeable future, you should insist that they do not come to live with you.

bunchonumbers said:

You need to get your finances and his finances separate ASAP. If you have to file for divorce to do that, do so. You and he can sign a ‘post-nup’ but that’s tough – like a divorce agreement in advance. As far as the living situation goes, you and he are/were partners. However, he wants to start a half way house for his lost children.

How many are there (he’s told you about 2 of them.. are there more?) How many grandchildren do you have? How many will you have? Seriously, file for divorce, but tell him you’ll support him. It’s for your own protection.

Gulliverlived said:

This is literally insane and I’m beginning to hope you’re plotting out an idea for a novel. This is not what people do. Repeat: not what people do. You describe a stable marriage, good communication, means, general happiness…

Well, grown ups don’t willingly throw live ammunition into their homes and then stand back and think nothing will get singed. Your husband is seriously not thinking clearly, and someone here (that’s you) has got to step up and say: WHOA.

You seem all too passive here–your husband is in the living room with 200 pounds of pregnant TNT and you’re wondering what you should do. You need to shake him hard, march him to counseling and say: no, this is not happening. Not now anyway, not until the smoke clears and there’s a picture and a plan. I mean, come on. Just no.

Subject_Beef said:

There is going to be resentment on your part if you say yes and don’t really mean it. There will be resentment on his part if he says no to his daughter to please you. I’m sorry, but it seems that this is a no win situation for you. 🙁 Go get some counseling (for at least the two of you) ASAP. Bring the daughter if she’s open to talking, but I don’t see her as a willing participant at this point.

He can’t go back and undo 18 years of absentee parenting by moving his daughter onto your property. I don’t see the daughter transforming into a mature, responsible woman without lots of work and time. Are you prepared to undertake this process, whether directly or indirectly?

It’s going to have a huge impact your relationship, simply because the dynamics of his life has changed, now he has two more people to support (and it seems he has committed to doing that, whether he has admitted that or not). You need to decide whether you want to stick around for it. Good luck with this extremely difficult situation, OP.

THIRD UPDATE:

So it’s been about a month now. We’re going to counseling twice a week and were fighting 100x more in the last couple of months then in the rest of our 13 years together combined. I was quite firm with him about not letting her move in with us and not sending cash. I thought we should help in other ways, like helping with baby supplies, tuition, and counseling. He was pretty adamant on getting her close by.

We finally agreement that she and the baby could come visit for a week. He wouldn’t mention living her to her yet and it would be a time to time of get a feel of if it could work. He used the whole getting her flat cleaned and painted as a reason, so pregnant her and the baby didn’t have to be around chemicals and paint fumes. She was reluctant and insisted she’d be fine, but agreed.

The mother stayed with her boyfriend. The flat was all set up for her. We borrowed his brother’s old baby stuff and baby proofed the space. I made it a point to be open-minded and not judgmental because I know this girl had a rough up-bringing.

She arrived on the Saturday (a week before the one past). Husband picked her up from the airport. They came to the main house first, husband carrying the baby and suitcase.

She hardly mumbled a “hi” when I greeted her and didn’t even look at me. She was looking all over the house with almost a sneer. I was showing her around and while in the kitchen, before I had a chance to offer something she opens the fridge. I thought that was strange, but let it go.

She asked “where’s the coke?” and when I told her we didn’t have any she let out a huge sigh. My husband told her he wanted to take her shopping to stock her fridge where she is staying and she said she was tired and she’ll give him a list.

After this she goes to the flat to rest. Husband runs off to get the list of junk food she’s given him. He gets to come for dinner hours later.

I made dinner for us that night. I didn’t cook like I would for my husband and myself, because we typically eat very healthy and I know it’s not to everyone’s tastes. I figure you can’t go wrong with meat and three veg. I was wrong. She looked at the food like I put roadkill on the table.

After much prying about what she prefers (there was a lot of “doesn’t matter” and whatevers) she listed off things like Maccas, sausage rolls, pies, fish and chips (only take-away foods) husband offered to get her something which she accepted. As soon as he left she said she was going back to her space. I was ok with this.

The rest of the week was mostly her being in the apartment. Here are some things that happened. I’m trying my best the just list the fact unbiased, but it probably won’t come out that way:

-Screaming baby most nights (husband went once to see if he could help and she had headphones on laying on bed and baby was in the crib with a spoiled nappy)

-On two occasions the motion lights went on so I looked outside. A guys went going up to her flat (how does she even know anyone here?!”). It wasn’t the same guy the two times.

-Husband gets takeaway for her every meal (I tried again to make something she might like (fried chicken and chips). She eat it but said KFC was better.

-Husband sat down with her to have a serious talk about her future and how he’d help with schooling and work. She laughed and said “I’m a MOTHER, that is a job and school isn’t going to help me do that”. She firmly believes that she has no duty to make a living to support her family, that it’s perfectly acceptable to live off the dole.

-She didn’t clean up after herself at all. When he went over to check on her food containers were everywhere and it stunk of baby poo.

-She turned down every attempt to go out and do anything. It was her first time in this city that people come from all over the world to see.

-She left a hamper of dirty clothes outside my front door (the only thing she didn’t have in her flat was a laundry. I didn’t think she’d need it for a week, but she could have asked to use it). I put them back in front of her door unwashed. Never heard more about it.

-refused meeting husbands family so her grandparents, uncle, aunt and cousins (they were really keen to meet her and the baby).

-insulted me twice (about my lifestyle) in the very limited interactions we had along with snide remarks and not understand things because I’m not a mother

-Found husband crying one night after bringing her food.

Well she went home this past weekend. She knows there’s an open offer to help her get her life on track with schooling, counseling, finding work etc. She doesn’t want any of it. He was most pushing for counseling hoping the rest will follow. She thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous and won’t consider it.

She definitely won’t be living with us. I’m really happy we did this because at least we’re of one mind about it now. She went home to a clean house, not that it’ll stay that way. He told her to contact him if she needs anything but that he’s not going to send cash, he will order the things online and have them sent to her.

He had a great time cleaning the flat. A weeks worth of dirty nappies. We’ve had a good week. I think we can finally move past this with the help of the therapist. We have such a great life and I was afraid that would come crumbling down. It seems more manageable now. I know there will be more drama to come though. The son is refusing communication.

I know a lot of people think I shouldn’t forgive the lies but I’ve decided to not let the one (although huge) mistake he made outweigh all the wonderful things he does every day. Thanks again to everyone that followed me through this. When she did something really rude, it helped me not get too angry by thinking “what will the internet think of this one…”

Here’s what people had to say to OP about the third update:

ShelfLifeInc said:

Glad to hear that you and your husband are on the same page now. Keep in mind, he is quite possibly sick with guilt. He wasn’t there for his children growing up, and now his daughter is uneducated, unhealthy, and living in squalor with her children. She has no prospects and no motivation.

Your husband is going to be playing “What if” and “If Only” for a very long time, wondering if his presence could have changed things, if he can change anything now, and how much can he give her to make up for all those years of not being there.

It’s good that the daughter’s presence gave him a good dose of reality as far as providing for her goes, but it won’t change the guilt he is almost certainly feeling. Ensure he continues going to therapy, possibly for individual sessions. You’re not out of the woods yet.

JohnnyCastaway said:

Sounds like your husband got a test run, and realized how far beyond help his daughter (sadly) actually is. I will say on the “how does she know anyone here” point that, with websites like Craigslist, it’s not hard to find people who just want a casual, no-strings attached encounter.

Honestly, I feel bad for the daughter’s child (your husband’s grandchild?), because the daughter sounds like a terrible excuse for a mother. I would suggest he keep some sort of limited contact with his daughter, if for no other reason than to be able to help the grandchild should the need arise (they didn’t ask to be born into those circumstances).

Good job standing your ground, and helping your husband see the reality of the situation, as unfortunate as it is. I agree about forgiving him; it was a big lie, but it’s easy enough to understand why he kept it secret and that it wasn’t with malicious intent. Keep up the marriage counseling, and work towards having a healthy marriage.

As far as the son goes, I would suggest to him that if the son refuses to talk to him, that perhaps that’s for the better. His desire to try and reconnect with his children was commendable, if misguided. Don’t fault him for it. Best of luck to you and your husband.

serefina said:

It’s good that he got to see that she’s not interest in anything but his money. Also, recognize that he is going to feel really guilty about the way she’s turned out. He may feel like it’s partially his fault since he wasn’t around to counteract his ex’s bad parenting.

glitterary said:

As someone who was abandoned by their dad, this whole thing just makes me so sad. It has an immeasurable impact on a person. Chances are this girl would have turned out a lot different if she didn’t have to grow up with a neglectful mother and no father to speak of. OP, I’m glad you’re doing well. But if that were my husband, I don’t think I could forgive him.

southwer said:

I have a serious question: why did he get back in contact with his kids at all? This all happened because HE wanted to be superdad. If he was just going to decide they were trash and he didn’t want to associate with them anymore, why do that at all? He sounds so unbelievably wishy-washy…he gave up custody, he should have stuck to that. Now he has just created this insane clusterf.

If he’s going to abandon his kids, then he should have abandoned them 100%. Don’t go back on it and regret it once it’s too late to do anything about it. I’ve read all the backstory and comments and this is one of the most f’d-up things I think I’ve ever read. And you, OP – everything is going to be OK now that his poor, trashy kids (and grandkids) are out of sight and out of mind?

BananaHedgehog said:

The reason his daughter is so awful is because she’s never had anyone to PARENT her. Her mother didn’t do it, her dad didn’t do it, she’s had to grow up wild and selfish in order to survive. She’s not a bad person, she’s getting through life the only way she knows how.

She’s only 18, there’s still a chance you could change her and make her a happier, better person, but it would involve both of you working as a parent team and her being close to you, which neither of you now want. She needs to be taught to eat healthy, to clean up, to wash her own clothes, to have a dream, and most importantly be taught to love.

It’s not something your husband could do on his own, you’d have to accept her as your step-daughter too. And OP I KNOW you didn’t sign up for this, and it’s not fair. You’d rather put in the minimal effort and try to forget that she exists. But I couldn’t walk away from this thread without telling you both that, no, actually, you didn’t try.