“My (26M) girlfriend (25F) has grown distant after I got beat up defending a group of girls being harassed.”
Mandatory: I have been with my gf Sarah for 3 years and been living together for 1.5. She is honestly everything I have ever wanted and I planning on proposing somewhere next year. So three weeks ago, I was out with Sarah at a local bar drinking and having a great time with her as it was just after quarantine had ended where I live.
At around 3AM, we decided to head home. As we headed to the parking lot where we had parked we noticed a group of two girls and a guy who was clearly drunk trying to hit on them and get them to go to his house. The girls were clearly very uncomfortable and trying to find a way out.
Sarah told me that we had to do something and I told her go call the cops and get someone as well because the very last I wanted was her to get hurt during this. So I approached the group and try to pretend I was the boyfriend of the one of the two girls and long story short I got my a** kicked. The guy was at least 6ft4 and 220 lbs where as I’m 5ft11 167lbs.
I’m fairly muscular myself but there was no way I could have taken someone that big, I knew it from the start. At least from all the noise we had made a lot of people rushed the scene and the girls got away safe. I was rushed to the ER because the MFer had broken my ribs which had punctured my right lung. Yay.
After that incident, Sarah has grown distant from me. Even though she visited and stayed with me at the hospital she hasn’t been the same since. And I thought she just needed time to move past this. However, five days ago she told me that she is not the same person after what happened and she doesn’t know if she feels safe with me after I got beat up like that.
Honestly hearing that hurt me more than when I got my ribs broke. She has moved to her parents for the time being and she told me she needs time. Meanwhile I had no one here to help me so my brother left his 2 boys and wife to move in with me. I know I’m just venting at this point but I don’t want this to be over like that. Is there anything I can do to salvage the situation?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
frozenbageldough wrote:
I’m a woman who has been in uncomfortable situations like that countless times, and I’ve NEVER had a man stand up for me before. You did an amazing thing, and those women must have been so incredibly grateful. Good luck to you and your girlfriend moving forward.
anon1234 wrote:
You did well dude, you did really well – both in what you did standing in for those girls, and what you are now doing with your girlfriend. Not every argument can be won by using fists, and not every battle you fight you are going to win.
But doing the right thing is when you start actually winning for real and even though may think you lost a fight, you should understand and be happy with the fact that you won anyway. You stood up for what was right. And that’s a “win” in my book.
If everyone did as the naysayers claim and minded your own business, well it just makes the world a darker place. Unless people like yourself stand up (even at the risk of coming out second best), things just turn slowly to crap.
You and I – and others here – know that this is not the world we wish to live in. So work through this with your gf, do the therapy and keep talking about things – you’ll both get to a much better place. And live a long and happy life and never be afraid of doing what is right.
[deleted] wrote:
As a girl, I want to thank you OP for standing up for the two girls. Not a lot of people would have done that, especially if they knew that they weren’t as strong as the other person, and it takes a whole lot of courage. I’m glad they had someone to protect them and we really need more people like you.
Weeks later, OP shared a major update:
UPDATE: Until yesterday, it had been 14 days since my last contact with Sarah. My brother had left 4 days prior because I felt bad keeping him away from his family for so long, plus I could take care of myself to some extent. So around 2PM while I was making lunch I hear the doorbell ring. I go to open the door, and there she is. Sarah.
With tears in her eyes, eye bags, frizzy hair,looking like a total mess. During the time we’ve been together I’ve seen her in her ups downs but I’d never seen her in such horrible state before. So I let her in she sits on the couch , we haven’t still said a word as we were both dumbfounded.
I was so overwhelmed by emotions, I wanted to hug her, I wanted to full on blast on her, I didn’t even know what I wanted to do. So I did nothing and waited for her to talk. After 5 or 10 minutes of silence she starts sobbing and saying she’s sorry and, then full on crying. At this point I can barely hold myself together. So I hold her hand and try to calm her down so I can figure out what is going on.
After a while, she finally somewhat calms down and starts talking. And that’s where it got bad. Something that I didn’t include in the original post, because it wouldn’t make sense to anyway is that Sarah’s mother has been divorced and remarried once.
From what Sarah has told me, her biological father cheated on her mother while she was still a kid and that’s why they broke up. And that’s also why she doesn’t have any kind of relationship with her father. It seemed odd when I first learned about it, but I didn’t question it. That is not the whole story though.
Sarah’s biological father didn’t only cheat on her mother. He was a d**g ad**ct POS, that also used to beat her up frequently. Without getting into a lot of graphic detail in one instance when Sarah’s brother tried to intervene and protect her mother he ended up getting beat up too.
So when she saw me intervening and getting my ass kicked in the bar incident it triggered some kind of PTSD in her head that she could not control. That’s why she had grown distant and eventually left. It all spiraled out of control and she could not handle it. In those two weeks we’d been apart, she’d barely eaten or slept and even made some really dark thoughts which I’d rather not go into.
She told me is a horrible girlfriend for leaving me alone in my condition and that she doesn’t expect us to be together again after that, which I told her isn’t the case. So we have a very long road ahead of us. My number one priority right is getting her to see a therapist, which I suggested we can do together if she’s scared to do alone.
So yeah ,that’s where we are at. Some of you were right, that there was some deeper issue behind what happened but I could not have possibly known. I also wanted to take this opportunity to say something that I got messaged about a lot.
I got a lot of comments and messages saying that I was a moron for what I did at that parking lot and that I should mind my own buisness next time and not play the hero, etc . First of all, I did not initiate the fight with the dude. As I said, when I got there I tried to pretend I was the boyfriend of the one of the girls in case.
When that didn’t work, I got between the girls and the dude trying to create some space between them and that’s when he started to push me and eventually started throwing punches. Secondly, no matter how hard I hit the gym I would never be able to take that guy one on one.
As I said I’m pretty fit, and I’ve been working out for several years but the fella was a lot bigger than me. Unless I had a gun or something, which isn’t legal in my country I was doomed. Finally, for the people telling me to mind my own business, well let me you that what exactly what I was doing.
It is mine and everyone else’s responsibility to look after the ones who can’t protect themselves is this crappy world. No, I do not consider myself a hero, nor did I do it for the show. I did it because in some other instance one of those girls could have been my girlfriend, sister, mother needing help.
And these girls were somebody else’s girlfriend, sister or mother . If I was put in that situation a hundred more times I would act the same.
Edit :I also talked to her about the proposal I wanted to make this year. I was planning on doing it as a surprise but in the way the things have turned out I figured it would be better if she knows it first. We both agreed it should be delayed for now.
Here’s what people had to say to OP’s update:
[deleted] wrote:
“If we are to raise them, we are to raise them strong. We are to raise them strong enough to be compassionate when faced with disparity.We are to raise them strong enough to know courage in the face of fear, and to be honest in times of doubt. We will show them hope; because without it, life is not worth living. Raise them to know ambitions, to know heart, and show them that this world is conquerable.”
“Have faith in them, and you will see that they will have faith in you. Trust in one another as a family, and show them a value of good friends because that will never lead them astray. With this you will find them to be kind, courteous and gentle, helping of the worlds around them. If we raise them strong, they will change those worlds for the better, and in turn we might learn from their example.”
“We wish you strength in the coming future, through the good times and the bad. We wish you hope in times of dismay. And in time, we hope that you find peace.”
This is an example of what raising them well looks like. This man has the quality of person every parent should aspire to create, someone who chooses action where all others choose inaction.
OP, I don’t give a s**t about what anybody else says, you did the right thing, and despite your losses, you did a good thing. To any one person who reads this post and thinks the same things as he was told, “that was dumb”, or “you shouldn’t have done that”. I hope you never have children, because they will only serve to be raised as the man who put this guy in the hospital, and of that, there is no pride.
OP responded:
Wow that was beautiful to read. I’m not a native speaker and it still gave me chills. Thank you for this.
DoubleTroubleToo wrote:
Clearly, her issues were a big part of why she did what she did. Your GF has a lot of work she needs to do in counseling. It is also important that you own your feelings as they are valid.
In therapy you need to share your feelings with her about her abandoning you in your time of need. How it has effected your trust in her and what you will need from her in the future. This must take place before you ever consider marriage.
terrible-aardvark wrote:
I’m glad you were able to talk about everything. If I remember your post correctly, someone brought up PTSD and childhood trauma as a reason for her reaction. Her response wasn’t great (which she’s acknowledged), but not entirely unexpected due to her history.
