“AITA for refusing to babysit my father’s child with his GF?”
Good evening. I’m (27F) currently “hiding” from our Dad. Please excuse the typos, I am crying while typing. BG: My parents separated for almost 11 years. Not divorced, our country doesn’t allow it. It was messy, got our fair share of traumas from it. Lol. Which made explaing easy.
Mom had to leave to look for a job. She explained that she couldn’t provide the life our father could give us at that time. Both parents raised us to “Honor thy father and mother” a biblical commandment and still respect them.
Left with our dad and constantly hearing his side of the story made us resent our mom for about a year. As an adult, I repaired my relationship with Mom. I deeply regret the hurtful things I said to her. Mom eventually found a supportive partner, who treated us like his own. While dad’s list of exes has always been problematic.
We’re always expected to cater to them, drive them around, and impress their family. His girlfriend of 5+ years now is “Pan”, has a family he constantly compares us to. Their “generosity,” their Christmas traditions, and how close-knit their family is. Ignoring that we had holiday traditions too before the split. My eldest sister, who basically raised us, advised us to ignore it.
Since we had to “survive” at a young age. Last year, Pan gave birth. My brother pressured our Dad to come clean but he was “scared” that I’d get hysterical and tell our mom. (Crazy, because it’s my brother who blackmailed/threatened him that he would tell our Mom, after a misunderstanding. Hah!)
When he confessed, I hugged him while he cried. Telling him that if he was confident with how they raised us, he didn’t have to worry or scared of me hating him. I told him later on that I could’ve acted the same way to him the way I did to our mom, but I already learned my lesson. My brother said that I shouldn’t feel bad towards my Dad as they are both adults who knew what they were doing.
Dec 2025, he asked me if I could take care of the baby. Pan’s whole family teased me. I just laughed. My brother-in-law advised me not to get entangled with the new family. Regardless of any offered trip or money. Warning that it’ll sour my relationship with my mom again.
Relatives I’ve spoken to agreed, asking if I have any pride left. It’s already a secret but accepting the request feels like a total betrayal to my mother. Considering the accusations thrown at her in the past. Dad claims that by keeping his secret and obeying him, I am “honoring” him. It feels wrong.
Tonight, he insisted I cancel plans and go back home. When I told him I’m uncomfortable. He immediately scolded me. Now wasn’t the time for me to be “jealous” and they’ve planned it weeks ago. He said that “as a family” we should make sacrifices and set aside our feelings. That’s when I broke down.
My older sister intervened and took the phone. She told me I shouldn’t stress over it and let the woman worry over her own children.
AITA? P.S. Thank you for your patience and taking the time to read.
Edit: Someone pointed that I should’ve included this important detail which I failed to do earlier on as I was overwhelmed with emotions. The reason he wants me to babysit their baby and Pan’s daughter is because they will be going on an Asia Cruise Tour. No kids. Just their family and they included my Dad because my Dad “joked” that they know he won’t allow Pan to go on out-of-town trips without him.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NewtinMpls wrote:
INFO what do you mean “taking care” of the baby? Adopting? Being a live in nanny? Babysitting on weekends and getting paid for it? I would encourage you to tell him he as 48 hours to talk to your mother about the situation before you tell her, then follow through. Stay as far from this situation as you can, it sounds very very toxic. Loving someone, even a parent, doesn’t mean letting them walk all over you.
OP responded:
My parents may be separated, but my mom has always disliked my Dad’s partners as they tend to be only after his money and how they tend to treat us.
Pan’s family are going to an Asia Cruise Tour, maybe 2 weeks at most. No kids. Pan’s family is aware that my father doesn’t like Pan going on trips without him so he will be going with them. They’re all asking me to watch over Pan’s daughter and her baby with our Dad while they’re away.
My parents has stopped talking to each other when they split. So informationsfrom their respective partners often come from third parties…or sometimes from my Dad’s side of the family.
Serwrong wrote:
What is the issue here? Do you want to babysit or not? If yes, then do it. No then tell them no.
OP responded:
The issue is…I feel guilty and torn for having to say no. Basically disobeying him.
Especially with how he reacted last night. I can’t help but think if what I did was wrong.
flowerybutterfly96 wrote:
Your mother has a partner, would she even care? As for babysitting, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. But using your mother as a reason may not be particularly valid.
OP responded:
The ‘validity’ comes from the fact that my father is explicitly using the secret to divide us. He told me that keeping this from our mom is how I ‘honor’ him. So participating in a ‘secret’ life for my father feels like a step backward into the same patterns that broke our family in the first place. It’s a matter of my own integrity and peace of mind. I don’t think my mother would care if he had kids…okay maybe she would.
I am well aware that the kids are innocent and my father’s mistakes has nothing to do with them. However, I really don’t want to babysit Pan’s kids.
We grew up in a military household. We don’t negotiate, we follow orders. (As long as it’s good for us.)
The cultural pressure of saying “No” to parents is seen as shameful and disrespectful.
Lastly, the guilt from the 5th commandment but I am aware that it is being used for his own convenience.
why_teach wrote:
NTA. The commandment to “honor your parents” does not mean to obey him when his requests are unreasonable and selfish.
A Catholic priest once explained to me that to “honor” your parents means to be respectful in your manner, not allow other people say nasty things about them in your presence, and to ensure that they are cared for in their old age. It does not mean blind obedience, nor sacrificing your life for their convenience.
Your father is extremely selfish. Whatever the reason he separated from your mother, he had no right to badmouth her to you and your siblings. (I will make a wild guess that the break-up happened, at least in part, because she was sick of his affairs.) He also has no right to ask you to keep the birth of his child with his concubine from your mother.
Lastly, he has no right to demand you go back to his house to babysit his concubine’s children, even if one of them is your half-sibling. Since he will (unfairly) frame your refusal as a failure to “honor” him, maybe you can reframe it as your choosing to “honor” your mother. How can you show respect for your mother when you are caring for the children of your father’s “secret” family?
Keep in mind, there are ten commandments, and besides the one about honoring your father and mother there is one against adultery and one against lying. Why does your father insist so much on your observing one commandment when he is violating two? Your siblings are advising you to stay clear of a relationship with your father’s “new family.”
They are supposed to “honor” your father also, but they have not hesitated to distance themselves and advise you to do the same. Follow their advice. BTW— as others have suggested there may be an economic reason that your father is hiding the birth of his child from your mother. I’d suggest to you siblings that the reason is worth investigating.
OP responded:
Thank you so much for this perspective. To be honest, I hadn’t looked at it that way and it is incredibly eye-opening. He always reminded us of the 5th commandment and I admit, I’ve lost sight of the other 9. I have my own interpretation of the 5th commandment too but your breakdown has given me a better understanding of it.
That it’s not just an absolute and silent obedience. Your comment didn’t just give me advise, it gave me some peace of mind to, so, thank you again. I shared your comment to my sister (I hope you don’t mind) about how he is struggling with other commandments— regarding truthfulness and faithfulness.
She mentioned that she did bring it up to our dad before and his response was, “that’s different” and we should just listen. I mentioned this in a previous comment, “My father doesn’t want my mom to know because he is worried that she’d file a case against him, go after his assets, or ruin his reputation.”
The thing is, my mom never went after my Dad. She could’ve halted his promotion and served most of his pension, but she didn’t as a lot of people, family included advised her that, us their kids have suffered enough and it would ruin our names too.
And my father is finalizing their annulment, as this will sever their marriage totally. Also because this is one of the things he accused our mother of while we were still kids. My mother’s condition, however, is that she’d sign the papers ONLY if all conjugal properties are named and divided into us, their children.”
ParanormalPagan wrote:
NTA it’s their kid, they need to raise it. Lack of preparation on their part, does not constitute an emergency on your part.
