“My [32M] best friend asked if I would be her [30F] sperm donor for her surrogate and I am in love with her but she has no idea.”
So for a bit of background we met in college and have been best friends since then. We hooked up once years ago. It was a drunken exchange and I honestly chocked it up to we were both drunk and in the right place.
She got ovarian cancer that was stage three a few years back and survived and has been in remission however, she had to have a complete hysterectomy. She had mentioned a year ago she was considering surrogacy. She had told me she planned to use a donor as she has been single for a while.
Thing is I am in love with her and I have been for years but she has no idea. I know at one point she had feelings for me but I was seeing someone then and out of respect for my gf at the time she never acted on it. I feel like before I give her an answer which will be yes I should tell her how I feel.
I want to make her dream of motherhood come true and I am honestly touched she thinks so highly of me she wants me to be the father. Regardless of how she feels, I will still donate and if she doesn’t still feel the same way I will love her as my best friend. Guess I am trying to find the best way to ask her and came online for advice So how should I handle this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
noisyboy wrote:
I’m confused. I understand she cannot carry a child and so she needs another woman to do that. But I dont understand why she needs a sperm donor unless shes trying to be a single mom? Or is a lesbian? Wouldn’t she use her partner’s sperm? Or am I reading this wrong?
OP responded:
She is single and her plans are to be a single mom. She is a doctor and makes good money so she can easily raise a child on her own if she needs too.
[deleted] wrote:
OP, put your feelings aside for a sec and think about the choice this woman is making. She’s presumably about to become a parent and naturally there are many angles to this life choice that she’s considered. Except there’s one angle she hasn’t considered: you’re in love with her.
You’re doing her a disservice by even considering not telling her that you’re in love with her. It has a bearing on the situation. Bottom line is that she deserves the chance to consider all of the information surrounding her decision. That includes you, if you’re part of the equation. Tell her how you feel. She deserves to know.
kyle47382919 wrote:
Tell her you want to be with her and raise this child with her. She clearly thinks you are ideal enough as a sperm donor and would most likely allow you in the child’s life (like the fun uncle) but I think you should tell her yours before you go any further.
Texfiend wrote:
My honest opinion is that doing this will make your life considerably harder to navigate happily. I don’t recommend it. I think a better option would be to end the friendship and move on with your life. Or tell her how you feel. If she reciprocates? Great. If she doesn’t, then tell her that you need some space to get over her before you can consider being friends.
But if you decide to go ahead with it, check with a lawyer first, to find out what you need to do to protect yourself. You don’t want to be in a situation where they’re coming after you for child support. Even if you’re sure they’d never do that. If they ever needed government support, they wouldn’t have the choice – the government agency would force it.
BloodlessTurnip wrote:
Just FYI: Sperm donation in an informal setting can lead to financial responsibility (child support) for the man. You may think you can do this because you trust everyone involved, but sometimes relationships fall apart and there is still “the best interests of the child” in front of the court. You will then be both the sperm and financial donor for the next 18 years.
If you can work the donation through a legal sperm donation intermediary that can give you some legal “stand-off” and protection…then MAYBE.Otherwise, you are the financial dad as well as the biological dad. Maybe you are OK with child support and still want to go forward. Just sayin’: child support in this setting is a thing.
dragonflieslovesme wrote:
What if you donate the sperm, she has a kid, then she meets somebody? And then that person will be raising your DNA kid with her…will you be alright with that? You really need to tell her how you feel. Even if she reciprocates your feelings, she may want to table having a kid for a while as you two adjust to a new relationship.
After receiving plenty of feedback, OP shared an update:
I appreciate all the feedback, most of you were nice. There was a few idiots telling me I needed to be Alpha and be more manly.. but whatever. Anyway the consensus with my RL friends was I needed to tell her. We do Brunch on Saturdays because she does Yoga Sundays so we met up this morning. I could barely eat and she could tell something was up.
She got worried thinking I was going to say no or something worse so by the time we took a walk both of us were nervous wrecks. I sat her down and told her everything how I realized I was in love with her several years back but was to much of a chicken shit to come clean. I told her that I never said anything because I did not want to jeopardize our friendship.
Her face turned white then a myriad of expressions came over her face then she started laughing till tears came down her face. I honestly was stunned, my stomach was in my throat and I honestly thought that almost 12 years of friendship were down the toilet. Then she started crying, sobbing really and she lightly hit my chest.
She half-laughed and sobbed that she was in love with me too but she thought that it would also impede the friendship we had and she wanted nothing to screw up what we have. We hugged and I told her that there is no one on this earth I would want to have a child with but her. We talked for hours ,in fact I just got home.
We have decided that we want to focus on us for now. I want us to be at that point that we can do it together. I know that this isn’t a rom com, and that things could end up not working out for us in the end. However, I am pretty sure if there is such things as soulmates she is mine. Thank you guys and gals for giving me the courage to tell her.
Here’s what people had to say to OP’s update:
RadiationTitan wrote:
Well holy crap.
Probably the best day in OP’s entire life? Except for maybe in a year or two when he donates sperm in the “traditional way” and has that baby, except he’ll be the dad in blood AND name. This is possibly the first time I’ve felt jealous of an OP on here.
OP responded:
Hands down best day ever.
DJHeartyMeatMan wrote:
Wait, so she was in love with you the whole time? And instead of telling you, she asked for your sperm to impregnate a surrogate with your child? To express her love for you by proxy through the tenderness and care she would give to this baby? All the while, being plagued by an emptiness that has grown within her, that no other form of you could fill?
An emptiness conceived incrimentially? Borne from all of those moments you said goodbye? Each of you, standing in limbo, flagellating your souls with your own forbidden desires? The threshold of her apartment, an emotional Rubicon of your own design? Hot.
jay11602 wrote:
Please, please, PLEASE live your BEST life and enjoy this woman while you have her! This post made me SOOO happy and i hope everything works out greatly! Good luck!
prattdizzle wrote:
It’s an amazing feeling coming clean to someone you’ve been in love with for years. Took me 5 years to tell my now wife. Congrats man! Take everything as it comes, nothing is wrong or right from here. One tip: communicate always and if you are unsure of anything ASK!
