AITA for telling my partner that his ex-wife is crossing boundaries and he needs to shut it down?
I (47F) have been with my partner (58M) for about two years. Overall, we have a good relationship. We communicate well, say we love each other, and until recently things have been solid.
My partner married his ex-wife when he was 20. The marriage only lasted about two years. They split after he got another woman pregnant during a break in their relationship. He has always felt guilty about how things ended and has remained close friends with his ex ever since, often helping her with practical things around her home.
Both of them moved on. She later married one of his best friends and had children with him. They divorced about ten years ago, and my partner stayed close to them because of his long-term friendship with the children’s father.
About eight months ago, his ex told him she still loved him and wanted him back. He immediately told her that ship had sailed, that he is madly in love with me, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He told me about this conversation right away. I appreciated his honesty and trusted him.
After that, he cut contact with her for a few months. She continued to send messages like “I love you,” “I miss you,” and “you are my world,” but he didn’t respond.On New Year’s, he sent a generic “Happy New Year” text to everyone in his contacts. Since then, she has started messaging him about once a week, usually small comments like “I miss my mate.”
Three weeks ago, she asked him to go on a cruise with her because she had nobody else to go with and said they would have to share a bed as it’s a cabin room. He declined and said if he goes on holiday, it would be with me. However, he also jokingly said, “Woohoo, I’m going on a free holiday with my ex,” which rubbed me the wrong way.
Then on Valentine’s Day, she messaged him saying she still loves him, wants him back, and is never going to stop trying to win him back, which he ignored.
At this point, I told my partner that I feel unsettled, disrespected, and uncomfortable. I told him that his ex is clearly crossing boundaries and that he needs to be firm with her that this behavior is not acceptable. I also said that anyone with self-respect wouldn’t continue pursuing someone who is in a committed relationship.
Just for clarity: I have not told him he can’t be friends with his ex. I’m not asking him to cut her out of his life. I’m only asking that he sets clear boundaries with her about what is and isn’t appropriate.
We’ve now fallen out over this as he feels I have layed down rules and taken his friendship with his ex and tried to tell him he cannot ever speak to her again.
For context, the only two arguments we’ve ever had in our relationship have been about his ex.
AITA for asking him to set boundaries with his ex, or am I wrong for feeling like he’s more worried about hurting her feelings than protecting mine?
