AITAH for saying no to motherhood being married for 4 years?
I (30F) am an Indian woman.. mentioning that for context because in India, especially in traditional families… things can be very conservative for married women
I’ve been married for 4 years.. i live with my husband, MIL, FIL and BIL (husband’s younger brother).. i never liked the idea of living with in-laws, but it’s common here and was non-negotiable.. It’s very clear in this house – “it’s their house, their rules”
my MIL has openly said “Either you live here our way or end the marriage.. I love my son and will never let go of him..”
my husband says it more calmly but the meaning is the same “My parents decide what happens here because we live in their house.. I won’t leave them for you..
I’m only “allowed” to visit my parents (who live in another city) 2–3 times a year, for a week or 10 days max.. my MIL and FIL decide if I can go.. my husband books the tickets but doesn’t question them.. my parents basically have no say in my life because my in-laws don’t like “interference in their family matters”
divorce is a huge taboo here. it’s not as simple as just walking away
I’m a working woman..and honestly, only I know how hard I’m holding onto my career. in this house, DILs going out to work is not considered “good.” I’m constantly told I should focus on family and being a “good daughter-in-law”
My MIL randomly tells me to take leave from work because guests are coming and I’m supposed to cook. And I have to take leave.. because if I refuse, the conversation quickly becomes, “Then quit your job”
since I moved in- my MIL has mostly stopped cooking.. So my daily routine is
Wake up early.. make breakfast for everyone ..pack lunches for the men .. pack mine .. cut fruits for them .. get ready .. work a 9-hour shift ..come back.. freshen up .. cook dinner for everyone.. seep
Every. Single. Day.
I’m exhausted.. physically and mentally
now the pressure has started for a child.. especially from my mil, who subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) wants a “grandson” to carry their name forward.. i never understood this obsession with boys.
I am ambitious and career-oriented, yes. but more than that.. I’m already overwhelmed.. adding a child to this environment feels suffocating.. I know realistically the entire responsibility will fall on me.. I don’t think I have the emotional or physical capacity to do it.. and once you’re a mother, you’re a mother forever
my side of the family wants a child too.. my husband says we can “take some time” but eventually he wants one..
last night we fought about it.. and he told me “you are a selfish woman”
that word hasn’t left my head
am I selfish for not wanting to bring a child into a life where I already feel controlled and exhausted?
am I wrong for not giving them the happiness of a grandchild?
AITAH here?
