“I chose to be child-free and lost ‘the one.’ Now, I could get her back.”

“I chose to be child-free and lost ‘the one.’ Now, I could get her back.”

I’m now 33M, Leah (fake name btw) is 33F. I met her in our first year of university and we dated into our mid-twenties, moving in together along the way. The relationship was everything I could ever want but eventually questions that don’t really come up at age 18 start to matter and we found ourselves at an impasse…She wanted kids (at some point, not that very moment), I didn’t (at all, not just at that moment). We buried our heads in the sand for a couple years, I guess we were just hoping the other would change their mind until it got clear we wouldn’t and we called it quits.That pretty significant roadblock was basically the only thing holding us back from getting engaged right then and there, so when things ended I didn’t know what to do with myself. I got it, I didn’t want to be the reason Leah wouldn’t have something she clearly wanted, but it was rough.Over the next year there were a few times when I was very close to calling her to say I’d changed my mind, just to get her back. I’m not sure if I was planning to make do on that change of heart and be a father to kids I didn’t really want or if I would have just lied to her long enough to get my way, both seem pretty crappy, but anyway it (thankfully) didn’t get to that.But eventually I moved on, got back out there and 8 years later I’ve had a handful of relationships including a couple I’d say got serious, the latest of which ended around a year ago. I have nothing negative to say about the women I’ve dated but it never clicked like it did with Leah which I guess is why they eventually fizzled out around the one year mark.Back to Leah, we never technically burned bridges and even said we’d stay friends but for most of the time that has passed since we broke up we didn’t make good on that. We were in contact occasionally but far from frequently and mostly kept it surface-level, to the point that saying we were friends would be a significant stretch.That started to change last spring, as our infrequent chats slowly but surely turned into frequent hangouts. Of course, officially we were merely reconnecting as friends but when two single 30-somethings with a lot of history are spending more and more time together……while conspicuously not making much of an attempt to see other people, it shouldn’t be a massive surprise that things may not remain completely platonic forever. It did take a while, though, but just last week one of us finally took a decisive step to change the status quo.We spent a bunch of time together over the holidays, hanging out at my place on Xmas and attending a New Year’s Eve party together (as friends, of course !) for example. I guess it’s then that Leah got tired of me keeping the platonic pretense up and decided to take things in her own hands and when we saw each other last week she came out and told me she wants us to be together again.She directly addressed the elephant in the room, the reason we broke up, and said she doesn’t expect me to have changed my mind and is fine with that. She said she’d had a few pretty good relationships over the last years but that she never quite felt like she did with me and that reconnecting over the past year had confirmed to her that I still made her feel those things that others just don’t.She said we don’t have to jump right back in to where we were all those years ago and that she just wants to give “us” another try. She told me to think it over and that’s where I’m at. And feeling kind of lost. Because yes, in my immeasurable genius and despite having realized months ago that my feelings for her had in fact returned (because of course they have)…I opted to wait until now to give some thought as to what I’d do if she felt the same and brought it up. On the one hand of course I want to try again. But while Leah told me she’s fine with my stance on having kids, she didn’t outright say that she doesn’t still want them.I probably should have asked right then but, immeasurable genius, you know. In my defense I had a few things to process, OK? So are we trying again to once again kick that can down the road in hope the other changes their mind (I’ve also had a vasectomy, so yeah, I think I’d “win” that one) or is she outright willing to give up on that for me?

And if it’s the latter that’s a pretty significant concession and am I comfortable with the idea she might wake up in X years regretting her choice when it’s actually too late? And then there’s the fact that OK, we can take things slow or fast or whatever but if things went south again with us it would be a pretty tough hit for me to tank, if the first time was any indication.And finally: Yes, I know that if I want to actually get answers I kinda just need to talk to Leah about all of this, which I already plan to when I next see her in a few days. And I should probably tell her about the vasectomy, either way. I’m not expecting the internet to have all the answers to this and mostly typed it out to help put my thoughts in order.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

SassySiren906 said:

This is a catch-22 if I’ve ever seen one. You want Leah, she wants you, but you also have to consider if she’s genuinely okay not having kids or if she’s just compromising to be with you again. Proceed, but with caution. Open communication is your friend here.

walkinggaytrashcan said:

You need clarity on her stance on children. our wants and desires change so much in our 20s. is she suggesting trying again because she’s changed her mind? sacrificing a future family for a relationship is a really good way to build resentment, but you don’t know if that’s what’s happening until you ask.

PoeticFurniture said:

My first love and I also didn’t agree on kids. I thought he’d change. We are both married to other people who gave us what we want. His wife is a horse girl and my husband wants more kids than the one perfect one we have. I almost gave up motherhood and sure I could have been ok but I wouldn’t be as happy with my life.

PixiePower65 said:

I did “marriage“ therapy with my now spouse prior to getting married. We had both been married for 20 years to other people. We came to our relationship w children to “blend” and baggage. You might consider a facilitator to help with this issue. You both deserve to get in touch with your true feelings. Make informed decisions so there it mitigates “resentment” down the road. I don’t want either of you to settle.

le_chu said:

Better have a very open communication with Leah. Lay down all your cards out in the open (yes, including the vasectomy) so that there will be no blame game down the line. From there, you will know what your next step will be, OP. At least, if ever you both have talked this through and will be amicable, there will be no “What Ifs”. No regrets. No guilts.

lynypixie said:

She probably thinks she will never end up finding someone to have kids with now anyway. She still wants them, but she basically gave up, so she goes back to the next best thing.

UPDATE:

I’d already invited Leah to come over for dinner on Wednesday prior to sending out the original post which as the day came felt both far too soon and like I couldn’t wait much longer.

When Leah got to my place I opted to have the big conversation right out of the gate, realizing it might spoil the evening but really I don’t think I’d have made for a very pleasant dinner partner with this rather pivotal conversation hanging over our heads.

I started with the good stuff, telling Leah how much I loved that she was part of my life again and that I shared every feeling she voiced last time. That I never felt like I did with her, either then or now, with anyone else.

But that she’d correctly guessed that my position on having kids hadn’t changed, that I had in fact had a vasectomy, and that if we were to try again I would need to know that she’s truly OK with this and isn’t sacrificing something she might regret.

That I’d love give “us” another shot but that she deserves to be happy and fulfilled and that if I can’t be the one to make that happen, the fact she hasn’t found the “right one” yet doesn’t mean she won’t. (Fun fact: Telling the woman you love that there might be another guy out there who’d make her happier than you could is not in fact fun.)

Leah replied that she thought I might say something along those lines and that she’d been anything but rash in making that decision. She admitted that she’d always pictured herself having kids at some point and it’s not like she woke up one day and any such desire had just vanished.

But that she once thought it’d be something she’d *need* by age 30 until she found herself past that arbitrary deadline, without kids and yet generally content with her life.

That she’s got a niece she loves very much (and a nephew on the way) and that she’d been questioning if she truly needed kids of her own before she and I even reconnected, confessing that this evolving outlook was part of why she’d even allowed herself to get close to me again.

She conceded that she didn’t become opposed to the idea of having kids either but that at this point she wouldn’t call it a sacrifice but rather just a choice, one that feels right to her.

Now, I’m probably not the most objective person to say this… But I felt that this was a pretty damn convincing sales pitch. I did tell her that as she’d suggested, taking things slow was most likely the right call and that it entailed that I would understand if she reexamined that choice…

And only asked that she’d be open with me about it but that in light of this I’d love to take her out on a date at the first opportunity if she would have me. She replied that she’d love that before poking fun at my framing of us going on a date being a new thing as though we hadn’t spent the past several months seeing each other regularly for one on one dinners…

…and other similarly intimate settings, ongoing evening included, which I countered saying that I hoped by the end of said date she’d notice a marked difference between those times and this next one.

Getting the big talk out of the way early thankfully turned out to be the right call since its outcome was a positive one and we had a lovely time together for the next few hours.

Nothing too materially different from our recent hangouts so far save for a bit of flirting, some gentle touches here and there and a goodbye hug that lingered longer than usual, but it felt good to just be with Leah without having to pretend that my heart doesn’t skip a beat every time she flashes me a smile.

So right now I’m planning our “first date” and kind of sitting on cloud 9. There probably won’t be another update any time soon, I appreciate the feedback I got the first time and will read what people have to say here as well but I don’t think writing a play-by-play of this new relationship would make for the best way to enjoy each step that may come.

I will soft-commit to an update at some point but that’s contingent on 1) me remembering to do that 2) having stuff to share that I actually want to type out and put in the wild and 3) I’ll most likely show these to Leah eventually and whether you guys ever hear from me again will also be up to her.

Here’s what people had to say to OP about the update:

Rich_Outcome8649 said:

Not every experience is loud or obvious, but that doesn’t make it insignificant.

JanetInSpain said:

Studies have shown that if a woman waits to have kids, instead of jumping into that in her early 20s, she’s much less likely to want them. As women mature and establish their own life, many of them realize that the idea of kids doesn’t feel as important or necessary to have a happy, fulfilling life.

It’s why women are pushed to have babies early. Babies are 80% PIA and only 20% joy and happiness. Women who are older and more mature realize that. Go have a great and childfree life together.

Personal_Wing_4705 said:

I feel resentment will build up. She says that now but being married and being in a committed relationship changes people.

SpecialistAfter511 said:

I don’t buy this. Nieces and nephews aren’t a placebo for your own children that you raise. She says this now. But it feels like she’s trying to convince herself this.

iknowsomethings2 said:

You were both open and honest and communicated about your feelings and stances on kids. If she comes to regret her decision, it will be entirely on her. I’ve known I want to be child free and was never freely fussed for many years, more of a if it happens cool, if not great more money for me.

I think for me, I would prioritize my partner and how they make me feel and if I hadn’t been able to connect with someone else the way you two connected, I would hold onto that. Also, I think it would be unfair to any future partners if you two couldn’t move on from each other, so staying together would be for the best I’d say! Best of luck.

EliraeTheBow said:

OP, from the other side I’ll tell you this. My husband and I had been together eight years before we got married. We were happily child free. Then, in the year before we married, I got the urge for kids. It was intense. And I decided I couldn’t imagine a life without them anymore.

I sat my (now) husband down to discuss it. Open about the fact I knew it could mean the end of our relationship, and I was ready to accept that. He decided he was okay with us having kids.

It took us years to conceive, and we have a perfect little boy now. He’s eight months old and he’s just the world to us both. His daddy adores him and I love watching them together. We also still love each other very deeply. Having our son has cemented for us both that we are each other’s person.

However, I realized after having our son, that had my husband said he couldn’t do it, and had I chosen to walk away to have a child with a another person, I likely would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

I love my son, I love my son in a way I never expected and he brings me nothing but joy. But, even knowing the love I know now, I would choose my husband over having had a child. I hope this makes some kind of sense. But it sounds to me like perhaps your person has realized having a child isn’t worth the loss of your love.