AITAH for telling my stepdad that my mom’s recovery doesn’t mean anything to me?
My mom (55F) is a former addict, clean for almost 15 years. I (21M) lived with my grandparents from the age of 3 months to 18, when I went to college. I was removed by CPS, she did 7 years in jail, and we never really had a “relationship”. I don’t view her as my mother, and I never have because she didn’t raise me, and she was stripped of parental rights in the court of law.
My mom’s husband (my stepdad) is hosting a huge party for my mom’s 15th sobriety anniversary, and I have prior plans, so I won’t be going. No one in my family will be going. My grandparents have plans, my aunt and her husband made plans, both of my uncles and their wives made plans, and all of my cousins have plans. My mom turned her life around, married well (stepdad is Mormon and loaded), and is by all accounts a changed woman, but it’s kind of too late for any relationship. Too much has happened for me to be proud of her, and we’re not at a place where I’d ever want to celebrate her.
When I got the paper invitation in the mail, I texted my stepdad to let him know that I wouldn’t be coming. I let him know that I have prior plans and that I hoped he’d have a good time. He immediately asked me what was so important that I had to skip my mom’s party, and instead of telling him that I was going to be out of town, I said, “myself”. I should’ve left it at that, but he came for me pretty aggressively, and so I kept going.
I said, “Steve, the day won’t ever come where I celebrate an addict, and I won’t ever be proud of Stacy (Mom). You met her after she’d changed; my life with her in active addiction was hell. It’s all fine and good that she’s been clean for 15 years, but the matter of fact is that I’m not proud of her and I never will be. I don’t feel anything for her, and having her in my life has been an unimaginable burden. Her recovery, her life, and who she is as a person don’t matter to me. I don’t include her in any of my major life events, and there is a reason for that. If you want to lash out against someone, I suggest you take it up with the courts that stripped her parental rights and imprisoned her. Have a great long weekend!”.
He messaged me back to tell me that all of my mom’s friends would be there and that it would be great if I could show up and present a united front, and I said “because I’m not an addict, I’m going to Mexico to enjoy myself for my last spring break. Good luck with your party; you won’t see me there”. He messaged me back to tell me that I’m a jerk and that I’m letting down my mom when she’s celebrating a HUGE milestone, and I told him that he should ask her NA sponsor why it’s bad to push an addict’s victims for presence or forgiveness.
Steve told me that I’m an asshole for dehumanizing her; I told him that she had made her choices just as I was making mine. AITAH?
