I 25F broke up with my ex boyfriend M27 in 2024. We broke up because he violated my consent in bed without realising (it was not his fault, he forgot I had said no in the heat of the moment) but he used to get mad at me whenever I expressed fear and had nightmares of sexual assault after that incident. Post which my nightmares started getting worse and I was insanely scared to go to sleep because I used to wake up with painful orgasms and tears in my eyes. I broke up with him and told him I love him but I couldn’t do this anymore because the fear wouldn’t leave my body. But in my head, I knew I was incapable of falling out of love with him because I have believed that if you truly love someone you can never fall out of love. He kept asking me to get back together for over a year and a half. At times, he has told me he’s suicidal and wants to kill himself if I don’t get back. I told him I would love to get back (scared that he would do something, but also because I love him and I don’t want to be the person who makes him feel suicidal) but I wouldn’t be okay with him even kissing me because it makes me feel terrified. He said it was fine, he just wants to be with me and never even touch me. Fast forward to a year and half of him constantly asking me to get back every week, I agreed and told him I’m willing to work it out. This was two weeks ago from today. Last week I went out to a concert with a group of friends. I was cross-faded and one of my friends was lifting me up so that I could see the band. After a while, he put me down, turned me around and kissed me without my consent. I immediately broke down, had a panic attack, and couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t see anything, everything was blurred out w my tears and dissociation. After I calmed down a little bit, I was confused if I liked this guy, and when he leaned in to kiss me again, I kissed him back. He asked if I liked him, and I thought I did so I told him I did. I felt horribly guilty the next morning, I called him and told him I don’t want anything to do with him. Later I called my ex and told him everything. He’s really mad at me as he should be. Although I wasn’t exclusively in a relationship, a week before me kissing this new guy, I had told my ex that I will meet him as a friend and slowly progress towards being a couple again. Idek if I need to ask if I am the asshole, I know I am one but it’s so hard because I just can’t process my own actions. I feel like a horrific disgusting animal. How do I process this? I want to erase myself and never let anyone see me with the shame I am carrying right now.