“AITA for wanting to end my engagement because her kids don’t accept me?”
I (34m) have been with my fiancée (33f) for 6 years now. She was a widow with two kids when we met. The kids were 5 and 6 when their dad died, they were 7 and 8 when I met my fiancée and we have lived together for the past three years and engaged for 7 months.
We’ve all had individual therapy, family therapy and me trying to go at their pace but the kids don’t like me. They won’t like anyone their mom is with. That much is painfully clear. But they are so against me that I would not want to get married and have kids with my fiancée and bring them into a divided family.
It has been argued by some of her friends and mine that things might be this way because we’re not married. That the kids would respect me and believe I’m staying if we get married. And I accept there’s a chance of that. But what if we get married and they still hate me or maybe they hate me more?
The kids are willing to fight their own grandparents, aunts and uncles over me. They do not want to be my friend. They do not want to see me as an uncle or trusted adult, they do not want to see me as a parent and they will yell at their relatives for referring to me as one of their parents. Not even their dad. But as one of their parents.
And they are very firm in not wanting me to be their dad. They said nobody can take their dad’s place. I even told them I would never try but would like whatever relationship they’re most comfortable with. Nothing works.
Spending time with them is like dragging them to the dentist. They resist and act like it’s the worst thing ever and they won’t open up to me or have fun even 1:1 with just one of the kids.
Not to mention they constantly disrespect me when I’m alone with them. I get slightly less disrespect when others are around but if they decide to make me spending time with them hell the disrespect is dialed up by 100.
My fiancée said she wants to get married and have more kids. That she’s been ready for a while. She even proposed to me. But I have told her I do not feel good about it when her kids are where they’re at with me.
She knows I want kids of my own and she told me we’ll have them. She seems willing to believe her kids will come around to the idea of me some day and that we just need to show them I’m not going anywhere. I think it’s a big risk and one that is harder to break. As it is I could move out today and we’re not entangled anymore. Marriage and kids together changes it.
My fiancée’s family desperately want me to stick it out and once I made my fiancée that I am seriously considering ending things they were begging me to commit and stick it out. They said the kids need someone as solid as me and we could still have the marriage and kids I want too. That she wants more kids.
My fiancée said it’s not fair that we have to break up over this. I told her she’s not the one who has to live with kids who hate her and have admitted (to their therapist and to cousins) they would be happy to see me dead if it meant removing me from the equation. AITA for wanting to leave?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Dependent_Prune1580
I have a friend that’s in the same boat, only he did marry and his step kids that he has raised nearly their whole lives still hate him. He isn’t their dad and never will be. They are adults now and still treat him like he stole their mother from their father when the father was dead for over 3 years before he met their mother. It’s really sad to see honestly.
Lyinc8988 (OP)
This is the future I don’t want but is the one I see if I stay.
Ambitious-Border-906
No, you’re not. They’re kids and they’re obviously still hurting, but there’s only so much that you can reasonably be expected to put up with. You have clearly tried to have this conversation with your partner but she needs to realise that their hostility has to end or you walk. Good luck, OP, I fear you will need it!
Lyinc8988 (OP)
I also think we might need to face the reality that nothing will make their hostility toward me end. I feel like she could punish them indefinitely to try and make them realize but from what I’ve heard that usually backfires and adds to the resentment and hostility. Thanks. I feel you’re right. Though it makes me want to just end it all more regardless of what others want.
Pikelets_for_tea
NTA. You have been in the children’s lives for six years and they are still hostile. They don’t want you around. Therapy hasn’t helped. Encouragement from family members hasn’t helped.
Marrying your fiancee would be a terrible mistake as the children aren’t worried you may leave – they want you to leave. The best option is to end your relationship, however painful that may be. It’s not fair to you or your fiancee but it’s reality.
Edit: Please be careful to not bring a baby into this situation.
Few_Bathroom4245
NTA. Sorry but you’re going to have cut and run. Maybe they’ll accept you one day, maybe they’ll accept any kids that come along. Or maybe they won’t. Leave now or, probably, divorce later.
ChakraMama318
NTA- this is heartbreaking. But you have been together 6 years. They have dug their heels in and I would be surprised if something changed that.
To be honest: my parents split and my mom started dating, and eventually marrying, someone I couldn’t stand. Once my mother ripped me a new one for being rude- I was always polite, but he was never someone my sisters or I considered family.
If we had been young enough for my mom to have more kids, we probably would have been decent to the kid- but as soon as we were out of the house- we were OUT. —- I don’t think these kids are going to come around.
Lyinc8988 (OP)
I don’t think they will either. Honestly I don’t even think they’d be okay with any kids their mom and I would have. I could see them getting it as bad as me which isn’t fair to bring them into.
ChakraMama318
Then you have your answer. I feel for these kids who miss their dad so much. But I don’t think they are going to accept anyone.
Lyinc8988 (OP)
I don’t think they will either. Honestly I’d be shocked if they ever come around to their mom being with someone. They could be 40 and have their own families and I believe they will still have an issue with it.
Traditional-Ad2319
I am shocked that she would even think of marrying you knowing how her kids feel. It’s not fair to the kids and it’s not fair to you. It sounds like you’ve done everything you can. But like you, I don’t think forcing the issue is the way to go.
Lyinc8988 (OP)
I see forcing it as doubling down hard on the misery we all feel and adding more innocents to the misery to be treated like crap and rejected by their own siblings from birth.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
