“AITA for yelling at my mom who is grieving my deceased brother for 30 years?”
Hi. I live in East Asia, and this is my first time writing on Reddit. I yelled at my mom today, and I want to know if I’m wrong for doing so. I have been an only child since my brother passed away from illness about 30 years ago. I (38F) live with my parents (both in their 70s) and our elderly cat (17M).
The cat has serious age-related health issues that require daily medication and fluids, which I am the only one able to give because my parents are afraid to do it. This is the main reason I still live with them, and they know it.
My mom still can’t hold back her tears whenever she thinks about my brother, even now, and I have always supported her. As long as I can remember, our family has lived in a constant state of grief. We never openly talk about my brother, and it’s considered taboo to watch any media that depicts children with severe disabilities or illnesses, like what my brother went through.
However, about four years ago, my narcissistic grandfather (99M) blamed my mom by commenting on how our family doesn’t have a son, which reflects the deeply male-centered mindset in our culture.
This caused a huge family conflict, and my mom declared she would never visit him again. My dad did nothing but yell at her to apologize to his father. Because I was always on her side when my parents fought, I told her many times that she should divorce my dad. It never happened, and eventually I gave up. This situation significantly worsened my long-standing depression.
Last week, my aunt’s grandson had his first birthday party, and my aunt deliberately did not invite my mom as a form of revenge for her father. My mom decided to confront her via email. Today, while writing and sending the email, she was sobbing the entire time, thinking about my deceased brother. I was extremely stressed but tried hard not to engage with the overwhelming sadness filling the house.
Suddenly, she said that if there is a second life, she wishes my brother could be her baby again, while crying uncontrollably. That was my breaking point. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and yelled at my mom for not being able to move on from my brother’s death.
I told her that while I understand a loss like that can never fully heal, I am exhausted and sick of watching her grieve him even now. She immediately became offended and yelled at me, “If you don’t want to hear it, get out of my house.” She then went to her room, slammed the door, and cried loudly as if it were the end of the world.
After that, I said nothing, but she told my dad everything, framing me as insensitive and aggressive. I burst into tears, feeling deeply hurt, guilty, and horrible for saying those things to her. I wanted to hold back, but I couldn’t. I felt completely suffocated by stress. Am I wrong here?
Here’s what people had to say:
Abba_Zaba_ says:
This isn’t a sarcastic question: does your culture believe in therapy?
Existing_Detail_9078 responded:
Therapy is not a thing here between elder people, but it’s also very expensive. I can’t imagine my parents getting therapy sessions.
MelonBump says:
This is so sad from start to finish. I feel for you – it’s so hard to have parents who are too consumed by their grief for a child who is no longer here, to be fully present for the one that is. But my god – your poor, poor mom.
How horrifically painful, and what an awful family member she has. I wonder if a lack of support with this deeply painful experience, is a reason she seems to have been unable to recover from it (to what extent it’s even possible to ‘recover’ from the loss of a child). NAH, except your extended family. I hope you and your mom can fix things, and wish you both the best.
Existing_Detail_9078 responded:
Thanks for the reply. Yeah, it’s like our family’s theme is sadness itself. I always feel that it the air. I appreciate your empathy for my mom. I support her no matter what, but sometimes it’s very hard. I will talk to her tomorrow and try to fix the troubles. Thank you.
