“AITA for insisting on a prenup after seeing how her family fights over money?”
I’m M31, engaged to “Lena” F29. We’ve been together a little over 3 years, living together for 18 months. We both work, we both pay bills, and honestly the relationship has been good. No cheating drama, no screaming matches, just normal couple stuff.
The only area that always felt… tense is her family and money. They’re not “rich rich”, but they have assets: a house in the suburbs, some land in the countryside, and a small family business her uncle runs (her dad helps sometimes).
Last year her grandma died and it was like watching sharks smell blood. People who hadn’t visited in years suddenly had “opinions”. Her mom and aunt stopped speaking for months. Lena was crying on the phone at 2am because someone accused her of “taking sides” when she literally asked them to stop arguing in the group chat.
The worst part was how casual they were about manipulating each other, like “tell him you’ll sue, he’ll fold” and “don’t put that in writing, keep it verbal.” That whole mess made something click in my head: if we ever divorced, I do not want to be tied to that circus.
I’m not even planning for divorce, but I’ve seen how fast people can turn when money is involved. I own my apartment (mortgage, but still), and I’ve got savings I built before I met her.
She has some savings too, but also expects an inheritance at some point, and her parents keep talking about “keeping things in the family.” So I brought up a prenup. Not to screw her, just to make things clear and boring and legal.
She took it really badly. Like instantly cold. She said a prenup means I’m already planning to leave, that I’m “putting a price tag” on our love. I tried to explain it’s protection for both of us, and that we can write it fair, like anything we build together stays shared.
I even said we can both have lawyers so it’s not one sided. She then told her mom. Now her mom is calling me “calculating” and saying I’m insulting the family, like I’m implying they’re thieves.
Her dad pulled me aside at dinner and did the whole quiet threat thing: “You sure you want to start a marriage with paperwork like that?” Lena is saying if I “really trusted her” I wouldn’t need it. But the truth is I trust Lena, I do not trust her relatives, and I don’t trust what pressure does to people.
Also, I’ve watched her get guilted into stuff before. I’m scared that if things ever got ugly, she’d have 10 people in her ear telling her to go for everything, and she’d listen out of fear or loyalty.
She says I’m judging her based on her family’s behavior, and that’s unfair. Maybe it is , but I also feel like ignoring red flags because love is “supposed” to be blind is just dumb. AITJ for insisting on a prenup and not backing down?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
ATHYRIO
The prenup would take the ‘fight’ out of the equation if, God forbid, anything were to happen and it’s sounding as though they all actually enjoy the ‘fight’ aspect. Get the prenup.
TidySignal_7 (OP)
Yeah that’s exactly what freaked me out, they treat conflict like a sport. I’m not trying to “win”, I’m trying to make it boring so there’s nothing to fight over. If she can’t handle a fair prenup now, marriage is gonna be rough later.
parodytx
Yes this is a hill to die on.. Tell her and her extended family if you like to let THEIR attorney review the prenup. Tell them it’s for HER protection as well as yours. If you don’t, and there IS a break up, they will lawyer you into bankruptcy. If she/they continue to refuse, rethink the marriage. As in DON’T.
TidySignal_7 (OP)
100% agree. I’m fine with her getting her own lawyer to review it, that’s literally the point. What I’m not fine with is “no prenup, no discussion” while her whole family is in my ear. If she can’t handle a fair agreement now, I don’t see how we handle real problems later.
ellexyn
It’s not that they fear a prenup. It’s that they resent you for taking a potential future drama off the table.
noxivelle
You’re not judging her, you’re judging the obvious documentary footage you’ve seen of her family’s future behavior. It’s not a hunch, it’s a trailer.
TidySignal_7 (OP)
That’s a perfect way to put it. I’m not inventing worst-case fantasies, I literally watched them weaponize guilt and money in real time. If anything, the prenup is me trying to keep our marriage away from that whole family script.
Mannahnin
Right. Before you can possibly marry her, you have to be on the same page about this. You have to make clear to her that the entire point is to protect you and her, your marriage, from what her family does. If she’s not taking your side, if she runs to her family to pressure you, you’re not a couple. You’re not a unit. And you need to be if you’re going to commit to marriage.
Main-Yogurtcloset242
NTA. Her bobble head ass just showed you EXACTLY what she would be on by telling her family & having them pounce on you with their opinions. Screw the prenup, its time to be reconsidering whether to marry her at all.
TidySignal_7 (OP)
I get the point, but I’m not ready to nuke the relationship over one bad reaction. What did piss me off is her running to her mom and then acting like the family pressure is “just concern.” If she can’t keep our conflicts between us, that’s a way bigger problem than the prenup.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
