AITAH for wanting a child free wedding ceremony

PLEASE HELP AND PLEASE READ. PLEASE. Please please.

I have no idea if this belongs on AITAH or advice or what but I need something because I have never felt so conflicted, so stressed and so helpless in my life. And this story is extremely complicated so if it blows up and there are questions and comments I will try and provide context but please, I’m begging you, please be nice to me, I’ve been over eating, purging, losing hair, losing sleep, I’ve never in my life had my body feel this sick and I don’t know what to do so please please please be kind.

For some context, I 28 F, am marrying my very best friend 33 F in October. My mother is probably the least supportive person in the world when it comes to me specifically and my relationships to be even more specific. My mom values having children but not having a partner and she has made that clear in private on SO many occasions but then denies it to others and has tried to get me excommunicated from my family so many times I cannot even count it. She hates that my fiancé is black, she hates that my fiancé is female, shes told me that since my fiancé is female we shouldn’t have mixed kids we should have white kids since I get a choice. She’s told me my kid won’t love me because I’m white if they are mixed because I will never understand them. The list goes on and on and on and on and on.

I also have a sister 27F, let’s call her Anna who has a one year old baby girl.

I also have two other little sisters, one is 23F, let’s call her Laura. And one is 12F, let’s call her Cait.

Cait has made jokes since she was 6 years old that I’m the black sheep of the family, I am the only person out of my 3 sisters, my mom, and step dad that has moved out of their house and has been out for the past 10 years. I lead a very independent life, I have a great career (the only thing about my life that my mom is proud of) and because of the tumultuous relationship I have with my mom, I have strained relationships with a lot of my family.

Now, for the meat and potatoes, I have ALWAYS. wanted a child free wedding. I love kids to death, but I think there’s a time and place for interruptions and for kiddos and for screaming and crying and a wedding, particularly the ceremony is not is. That’s ALWAYS been my perspective. I’ve never had a birthday party, i graduated from college and from high school completely alone, no one came, I’ve never in my life had anything be about me, ever. I’ve thrown countless bridal showers, baby showers, birthdays, etc for everyone in my family and I NEVER pictured having a wedding because I never EVER thought anyone would ever show up for me.

Well, last year my sister had a baby girl and a few months later I got engaged, I said I wanted to elope, but my fiancé knows a huge part of me always dreamed of having a wedding but never would do it for myself and convinced me to plan the big wedding…. so the planning commenced and my feelings about the child free thing didn’t change, and my fiancé and I are on the exact same page, no kids at the ceremony and in reality we’ve actually invited no children to this wedding whatsoever…. Then there’s my sister.

My sister is a single mom, this child screams, hysterically under every single circumstance unless my sister is holding her; sometimes she allows my mom to hold her but mostly, it’s my sister or wailing. Literally. Wailing. No judgement no hatred just facts.

Of course, last year, asked all my sisters and my best friend to be bridesmaids and shortly after that started setting up dress appointments. Due to all of her previous comments and her straight up telling me she had 0 interest in my wedding and didn’t “consider getting married an accomplishment”, my mom was not involved in any capacity.

So…. In early September, I made appointments for mid October to try on dresses for the very first time and the very first boutique of the day did not allow children under 12 according to their policy, no exceptions.

Well, the moment I found out about this (still early September) I told my sister, hey it looks like your daughter cannot come to XYZ appointment, here is the policy, can our mom watch her. Her response was “well that’s awkward to ask our mom to watch her since you didn’t invite her to come to dresses” I said “I was under the impression she didn’t care nor did she want to come”

So I proceeded to call my mom.

I was this cursed out, yelled at, demeaned for I’m so serious 5.5 hours while I was at work on a night shift. I was hysterical. Begging her to stop. Begging her to have empathy. Truly trying for this one last time to get my mom to see me and please care. To no avail. It was EXHAUSTING.

As a reaction to this, I honestly felt really upset with my sister, Anna, because her first reaction to my inviting her to a day about me, 45 days in advance, made me feel selfish for not wanting absolute misery on a day about me. and I won’t lie, I don’t think I handled the next part super well.

I put my mom and sister in a group chat. I said “I don’t care which of the two of you comes or if neither of you come. There’s no kiddos allowed and I understand that’s inconvenient. There are also 4 people max allowed, I have my fiancés sister, my best friend, my other sister already coming and they all very much want to come… so. There’s one slot left. If neither of you want to come that’s fine, if both of you wanna rotate being in the car with the baby that’s perfectly fine with me but trying to decide is killing me. This is so stressful and it’s supposed to be exciting. Please help me and please choose something so I don’t have to”

My mom replied “it sucks you’re family cannot all be there for you to try on dresses”

I was deflated. I know my mom, I know the game she plays and this was another move instead of helping me.

So I called my sister, she and I got in a huge fight and she ended up saying she was no longer a bridesmaid, she blocked my number, all my social media, canceled a vacation we had planned for months. I didn’t hear from her for 5 months.

Fast forward to today, Anna has been back in my life for 2 weeks. We talked, we both apologized, it’s SUCH a long story but basically a common enemy brings people together and I guess my mom was grating on her nerves and we bonded again and reopened a dialogue. We’ve been super close these past two weeks but, the other day…. My fiancé brought up the child free wedding issue, she asked if I had addressed it with Anna yet, and I sincerely had a panic attack.

My mom and I have been on okay terms since around Christmas because I called her and told her we need to have a surface level relationship until we can sort our crap out and we shouldn’t discuss anything serious, political, about my wedding, my future children, nothing. Let’s establish a base line relationship before we go to far again, and she’s crossed boundaries… but she’s my mom so I’m really trying.

But I know, for a fact. If I bring this up, number one…. My sister has NO one to give this kid to for the wedding if she’s not invited. Either my sister or my mom would not come to my wedding.

I know FOR A FACT. that this story would be spun to the people outside my immediate family and people would be mean, they’d not come, they would hate me and judge and ridicule me and I cannot handle any more of that.

(While everything was happening with my mom and sister last year, my mom and I went to dinner to try and repair stuff and after said dinner, my mom made up a lie and told her in-laws said lie, and I have been completely excluded from every single family function involving them ever since. I heard the lie…. It’s horrific. And it’s not true. And it truly makes me want to cry to this very day and it still bothers me to my core. So I know the way she works and I just don’t want to deal with it)

I don’t know what to do. I feel like on one end I’m betraying my fiancé and myself and I’m inviting interruptions and distractions into my intimate ceremony. The one day that’s about us. The one day that’s about me for my entire life, and we’re paying every single penny for it ourselves, my dad is dead and my I wouldn’t take a dollar from my mom even if she’d offered so it’s just us and I feel like I’m truly betraying something we decided so early on. And I keep trying to say it’s not a big deal but it is!

I’m inviting so much drama, and possibly losing my sister again, maybe my mom, or worse it has a domino affect to so many of my family members because I know how my mom spins and says things and I just my god even typing this I’m giving myself a stomach ulcer.

I know this is so much. If anyone has read this. PLEASE. tell me what you would do. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO. am I an asshole? Am I being so dramatic and who cares? I just, my god I feel like I’m killing myself over this. My blood work shows I’m stressed, the lady who cuts my hair said I’ve lost over a third of my hair.

I don’t know what to do. Please. Please help me.