“AITA for threatening to smash dishes after my bake day was ruined?”
I, (31F) have been planning to bake a Frasier cake. Im new to baking and this one requires a lot of precision and takes a bit of time. I spent all night last night making sure I had everything prepped and ready.
The Background: We did some cleaning two days ago. I did about 90% of the dishes (like 10 pans, all plates, bowls and pots) He (40 M) agreed to do the remaining 10%, mostly a few bowls along with some silverware and kitchen utensils (spatulas, whisks, measuring cups) that I left soaking in the sink.
The Conflict: This morning, I went to start my cake. I pulled out one of the mixers, it was dirty; nbd, I just washed it. Then, I go to get the measuring cups, same thing, caked in grease. Washed it.
Third dish is where I said something and it turned into a huge fight. I want to stress how hard I’ve worked to prepare for the baking of this cake (lol) and last night made sure everything was in order so I could hit the ground running. It didn’t occur to me to check the dishes, even though this is an ongoing trope.
This cake will need about 8 hours, So needing to add extra time to rewash dishes pissed me off. But what also got me, is the fact that the nasty dishes were put away with the clean dishes; everything’s contaminated and needs to be rewashed. Anyway, here’s where it gets messy. When I called him out on the grease and gunk he got defensive.
He said ‘like you never make mistakes’ and then proceeded to inspect every dish I washed, until he eventually found a pin sized orange spot on the back of one plate; smooth to the touch, not greasy, easy to miss and also, on the back of the plate. He tried to claim that was the same as him leaving bright orange, raw egg residue ALL OVER the whisk.
The breaking point? Finding out I’ve been probably eating off dirty dishes the past couple days, having to spend my baking day doing his chores, and his comment about the orange dot sent me over the edge.
I lost it. I screamed and yelled and at one point, threatened to smash all the dishes when he brought me the speckled plate. It happens nearly every time he does the dishes. And I bring it up every time; usually a lot more calmly. This has happened multiple times, always more than one dish, and is no small mistake (the gunk/grease is EASILY visible, i have pics if anyones interested).
Anyway, he messaged me telling me he’s gonna wait for my apology. I told him I’m not going to Apologize until he acknowledges what happened and the impact he had on me (and could have had on other people I planned on sharing the food with (food poisoning).
After asking him for that he’s said ‘I did acknowledge it, tf you talking about’ and ‘I didn’t get the dishes cleaned all the way, it happens’ and ‘dude, dishes will get missed by both of us’. Does my reaction make me the AH here?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Lolligagers
ESH – you’re new to baking, yet tackle something extremely complex and long and decided to “trust” someone who’s already been problematic in the past on something you NEEDED done for all to go according to plan?
I mean, you pretty much set yourself up for failure. You’re with a man that doesn’t care about cleanliness… you’re both at odds over something pretty darn basic: hygiene. Does he even clean his own body correctly? lol.
Both-Buffalo9490
You’re both exhausting.
CheshireKatt1122
NTA. Wow. People in these comments have never experienced Reactive Abuse or DARVO and it really shows. O.P. you didn’t have a “tantrum” like some people are saying.
You were pushed to a breaking point because of his deliberate actions and he turned HIS negative actions back on you when you finally had enough. There ARE better ways to respond to it but most people don’t even know what it is to know the proper way to address it.
NoAlternative9113
NTA. Weaponized incompetence. Kick him to the curb. You deserve a partner who puts in equal effort to the relationship.
GreekAmericanDom
Only AHs communicate with violence. Those threats you made? They are form of abuse. You could argue it’s reflective abuse. Still when anger makes you act this way, you’re an AH. Granted, you had a reason to be angry.
ktjbug
Your reaction of threatening to destroy things is way over the top. I had a male partner do that to me and it was terrifying. That makes this an esh to me, it’s wrong no matter what.
bucketbrigade000
He is acting like a child, and you shouldn’t threaten to break things to get your way. Why are you with someone that can’t wash a dish? That’s not competent partner behavior. I get that you’re at your wits end, but instead of smashing stuff, dump him and get yourself a normal adult.
Holiday_Newspaper_29
Tbh, this is just kind of pathetic. I’m guessing a lot of bad interactions have led up to this point but yikes, the childishness here is just embarrassing. Maybe it’s time you both went to marriage counseling so that you can start making some adult choices about the way you interact and how you want your marriage to be in the future.
Autumn_Falls0131
he is TA, using weaponized incompetence. He’s clearly trying to avoid doing housework by being a complete and utterly incompetent fool, and then being disrespectful to you and acting like it’s normal to eat off filthy plates. Urggh, yuk, no.
But you are also a bit TA because you blew up and got overemotional. Getting angry and escalating arguments is not a solution. I think you should break up with him, because he is never going to behave like a competent adult in your relationship.
He needs to live on his own, but maybe you both do, because it doesn’t sound like either of you are really on the ball, at least with this particular household chore. (I’m not saying this because of the speck on the back of the plate, but because you didn’t notice how dirty the dishes were after he supposedly washed them.)
