“The man who had an affair with my wife is now getting the daughter I raised. AITA?”

I (42M) found out my daughter (18F) wasn’t mine in 2020. I tried to reassure her that I still loved her and will always be her dad. However a couple of years ago, she found her biological family online and started a relationship with them.

Despite not being all that pleased with it, I tried to put my unhappiness to one side for her sake. At first it was contact with cousins, then half siblings then father. They all live in another part of the country.

She’s been talking about going to university her whole life and she had been making applications. I recently saw an offer for her top choice. I didn’t clock on at first but I realised after a while that the university were she’s going is in the same city where her family and father live.

So when I asked her about it, she was like well yeah, I want to go to be closer to my family and get to know them all a lot better. She also said she’s going to live with her half siblings rather than in student accommodation.

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She could tell I was definitely upset and she was saying I’ll still come back home and visit, we’ll still have a relationship. I sort of snapped and told her we won’t have a relationship let’s face it, she should just be honest about it.

She got upset and went to stay at her mum’s (my ex) who rang me to try and have a go at me saying I upset our daughter. I corrected her saying her daughter and she’s to blame for this not keeping her legs closed. She called me a monster and hung up.

They’ve evidently got in touch with my parents who are trying to “talk Sense” into me – despite my mum particularly usually hating my ex. AITA for what I said?

Edited to add because I’m tired of justifying it, yes he knew she was married, he knew he made a kid and yes, he was aware he was cheating with a married woman.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Boofy_Boofhead

You’re angry at the wrong person. It’s not weird that your daughter wants to get to know her biological family. Give your daughter a pass, and have a go at your ex if you need to vent.

PeachWhimsyy

Exactly, her curiosity about her roots is natural, and punishing her for it only hurts your relationship, not hers.

Personal_Leopard_522

This is the second time he is feeling betrayed by this guy, and he was the last to find out the daughter’s plan that apparently everyone else knew about, and only because he pieced it together himself.

Street-Substance2548

She told you she still wanted to have a relationship with you, and you shut her down. You raised her and did a good job, now disowning her? After telling her you’d always be her dad?

I was adopted. Raised by loving parents, who nonetheless encouraged me to find my birth parents. At 62, I finally found birth mom. She and adoptive mom love each other! They are both my moms. Please don’t throw her away because she wants to expand her family. It’s not a reflection on you.

ArthurRoan

I want you to know at least one stranger reading this is in your corner. You raised her. You did the work. And you don’t deserve to get dogpiled for having a very normal human reaction to being sidelined.

Willspikes

I’d say ESH, but not equally, and people pretending OP is the only problem here are being dishonest. The ex absolutely sucks for cheating in the first place and then swooping in years later to moralise and escalate the situation. She doesn’t get to play holier-than-thou now.

OP’s daughter is also not blameless. Wanting to know your biological family is valid, but the way she went about this was reckless and hurtful. She didn’t just reconnect, she restructured her entire future around people she barely knows, picked a university specifically to be near them, and decided to live with them instead of student housing.

That’s not a small step, and it’s naive to pretend it wouldn’t feel like replacement to the man who raised her for 18 years. Reducing him to “I’ll still visit” while moving in with literal strangers is obviously going to land like abandonment, whether she intends it or not.

OP is allowed to feel devastated. Staying her dad, after finding out she wasn’t biologically his does matter, and a lot of comments are glossing over that like it’s nothing. That said, snapping and declaring the relationship over was too far. It’s understandable emotionally, but it was still an extreme thing to say to your kid in a moment of conflict.

wp3wp3wp3

I don’t blame you for feeling abandoned. To organize her entire life around these new people and then promise she will visit now and again has to feel incredibly hurtful, especially after all you have done. Perhaps the way she said it came out wrong?

I would say to give yourself some grace and time to work through your feelings, but also remain open to reconciliation if she seems to genuinely miss and care for you. But if she seems to forget you and be more involved with these new people then just move on as best you can.

Zeeisrage

lol these comments. The fact the biological father made ZERO effort to find his child is baffling like are we all forgetting that. Even if I as an 18yr old found my biological father I wouldn’t move in with him especially knowing he raised his other kids.

I’m not blaming your daughter but I’m questioning everything that’s happening. I do understand that you felt hurt but I feel like snapping was too much and you should think everything through. But still why isn’t anyone in the comments not realising that the biological father did NOT care for the daughter lmao.