“AITA for postponing the wedding after my fiancé suggested special treatment for his rainbow son?”
I (f) have been dating Todd for almost two years, engaged for 4 months. We’re in the process of planning our wedding and Todd sat me down for a “family dynamic talk”. He has a 7 yo son from his previous marriage.
He treats him extra extra special because he’s a rainbow baby. Todd and his ex waited for 9 years to have him. I have 2 kids of my own and Todd adores them. However, when we started talking about family dynamics, he began listing the things that I should be doing to make sure my stepson is treated extra special.
The list contained stuff like no punishment (from neither of us), more allowance than his step-siblings, weekly trips, special outdoor activities, certain shopping brands…all for HIM. He emphasized on my kids not acting sensitive towards their stepbrother nor resent him. He kept talking despite the shock on my face.
I was flabbergasted! I told him this was unreasonable and quite damaging not to just my kids but his own kid. He said his son knows how special he is, and that he’s used to this treatment, and warned me that any change in this treatment after marriage might cause him to resent me and the kids.
I said while I understood that, but it was still unreasonable and that I would absolutely NOT agree on that. We had a long back and forth on this issue and it escalated to the point where I decided I needed to postpone the wedding.
I said I will never subject my kids to this type of unhealthy dynamic where favoritism and lack of fairness dominate our household. I told him that I was going into this marriage with the belief that all kids are the same and no one is better than the other.
He freaked out and said that he loves my kids and that they were the apple of his eye but said that I was failing to see where he’s coming from. And postponing the wedding? He said that was an overreaction but I don’t think it is. My kids are my priority. And I’m not saying I want special treatment for them, just equality.
His family got involved and since their helping pay for the wedding, they are criticizing my stance saying I lack the ability to handle familial conflicts which they thought was not a good quality in future wife.
They claimed I was teaching my kids to resent their stepbrother instead of teaching them to love and want the absolute best for him. We’re still have “conversations” about it and Todd says we can actually make this work and promised that my kids will still have the best life with him. AITA for my stance? Is there something I’m not seeing?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Glad_Performer_7531
Don’t just postpone. End the relationship. Period.
Emergency_Walk1341
Exactly. I think he’ll try to compromise by lying to get her to keep the wedding.
Dustmoppers
He’s already shown his cards; any “compromise” now is just a temporary mask to get her down the aisle.
reducethedebt
NTA – all kids in a household should be treated equally no matter what.
hithere419
YTA to yourself if you follow through marriage. The list contained stuff like no punishment (from neither of us), more allowance than his step siblings. This is a giant red flag that doesn’t disappear after saying ‘I do’.
Intelligent-Art9765 (OP)
Well, about the allowance, he said that he’d put extra from his own pocket and that it will not affect the other kids but it’s the mental damage I’m worried about. The no punishment part was my absolute no from me because of the level of damage it will have not just on my kids but on my stepson as well.
From experience, no child who never received punishment turned out to be a decent person. But my fiance argued that the punishment should be up to him since he’s the bio parent.
BeachCatDog
He is just telling you this NOW? He thinks he trapped you with wedding plans. Don’t let him. He did this on purpose. He is telling you to your face that he will disrespect your children. Leave him.
Intelligent-Art9765 (OP)
Yes. Although I noticed how he treats my stepson overly special. He’d bring him to every family function. I believe this all stems from the grandparents seeing that they have big influence on both of them.
SlightTechnology8
No no no. NTA. Your fiancé is going to utterly destroy that poor child with this attitude and behavior. I’m sorry. You need to run. Good on you for protecting your kids.
gentlefade5
Yeah, that’s not protecting a child, that’s setting him up for serious problems later. Favoritism, no consequences, and unequal treatment will hurt all the kids involved. Postponing the wedding sounds like the responsible move here, not an overreaction.
Only_Music_2640
You should not postpone the wedding. You should cancel it outright and cut all contact with him and his insane family. Your children deserve better.
Dry-Elk45
This is the best option. OP is NTA but Todd is not a rational person. This is so crazy it sounded fake to me. Who the hell outright thinks in such a way?! He’s doing so much damage to his child.
Freaking mental. I would run so fast from that mess and protect my sanity and more importantly my kids well-being. You would damage your relationship with your own children if you stay in this crazy dynamic.
Adelucas
Time to end this relationship. The kid has been conditioned to think he walks on water and is going to grow into an abominable adult. Your kids will resent him and he’ll lord it over your kids as the special child who can do no wrong.
This is one of those situations where as much as you love the dad, you can’t marry him. You can’t even be with him. You have to protect your kids, and understand this isn’t something that will end well.
You’ll be on here in a few years complaining your bio kids are low or no contact with you and your stepson is lurking around eating your food and refusing to pay rent or move out. The amount of hatred and resentment between the step siblings will be off the chart.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
