I Cheated, Got Pregnant by My Coworker, Aborted the Baby to Save My Marriage… and My Husband Still Hates Me. Did I Ruin My Life for Nothing?

I need real advice because I feel like I’m slowly dying inside. One year ago, my husband caught me cheating. Before anyone jumps me, understand this: we had been married five years, no kids, best friends, obsessed with each other. I was clingy, he adored me, our marriage felt solid. In 2024, I got a job offer through a senior coworker (let’s call him A). The pay was great especially because my husband was struggling financially and kept losing jobs. I wanted to help us. That was my mindset.

Over time, A and I got close at work. He’s older, married, four kids, bad with technology, so I helped him a lot. I told my husband early on that A made me uncomfortable sometimes, but we brushed it off because he helped me get the job.

Then my husband went out of town for a week. I told A I couldn’t work late because I’d be home alone. That same night, A called and confessed feelings. I froze. I didn’t shut it down like I should have. I felt indebted. Pressured. Weak. He pushed until I said I liked him back. From there, it spiraled fast.

I became distant from my husband. Snappy. Cold. A needed constant validation. I tried to end it, but he said feelings “can’t be denied.” I hate myself for how stupid I was.

Then it blew up. My husband found out. Confronted A. Still offered reconciliation. I confessed everything to both families. I thought honesty would save us. It didn’t.

What makes it worse? I found out I was pregnant. It was A’s baby. A wanted the child. My husband told me if I kept it, he was done he couldn’t live raising another man’s child. I hesitated. I waited almost ten weeks. That hesitation destroyed him even more. I eventually aborted, but the damage was already done. He also caught us together once in the garage. What hurt him most wasn’t just the betrayal, but that I did things with A that I never did with him. I told him I tried in the past and he always turned me down. He’s very “routine,” very closed off. That truth broke him.

Now we have kids together. And he’s still cruel. He insults me. Calls me names. Rejects me. Threatens divorce sometimes in front of the kids. He refuses therapy. Says healing isn’t his responsibility because he didn’t cheat. We take trips and for a moment it feels normal… then we come home and the punishment starts again. I love him. I hate what I did. But I’m exhausted living in shame forever. Did I destroy my marriage beyond repair. Am I selfish for thinking about divorce when I caused all this? Or am I allowed to want peace even if I was the one who broke everything?