“My husband (54M) said everything about me (56F) is cumbersome.”
We checked into a hotel last night, I waited in the car like I usually do for him to come back with a bellman or a cart. We travel together for our work for about half of the year so we’re well-seasoned travelers.
For this particular hotel, I was able to choose our room in advance, and as it is a new hotel to us, I did a little research to try to get the best room available.
It had been a nice, easy trip and nothing out of the ordinary happened up to this point. When he came back out, he said the front desk attendant asked him if we had stayed here before because we picked one of the best rooms, to which he replied that his wife had done the choosing. I said, “Oh, that’s great to hear. Aren’t you glad I’m picky?” and chuckled.
He replied, “Picky is a word. Everything about you is cumbersome.” I was shocked, felt as if I had just been slapped across the face.I just looked at him for a couple of seconds, then said, “Everything? Everything about me is cumbersome?” thinking he would say he didn’t mean it that way or something along those lines. He didn’t. He repeated what he said again.
I mumbled something like, “Wow, that really hurt,” and went quiet. We took our things to our room and went out again to grab something to eat. While we were eating, I told him it really crushed me when he said everything about me is cumbersome. He said, “Well, you tell me when you don’t like something I do.”
I told him telling me everything about me is cumbersome is different than pointing out something I did or being pissed off at me for something.So he said, “Would it be better if I said everything about you is a pain in the a$$?” I tried to explain that if he had said, “Your pickiness is a pain in the a$$.”
I would’ve laughed and admitted there’s truth to that, but saying everything about me sucks makes me feel awful. I mentioned it again today and got a begrudged apology, only because I brought it up. I am so sad; this feels like contempt and it’s all I can think about. Is this as contemptuous as it feels to me?
Is it no different than pointing out something I’ve done that he doesn’t like? The words keep rolling around in my head and I feel so stupid that I didn’t realize how unlikeable I am all these years. We do regularly go to a therapist to help us keep our marriage on track.
We’ve gone for years because we are opposite personalities, but we love each other very much and are committed to doing what it takes to have a long, healthy relationship. I will bring it up at our next appointment, but our therapist is very focused on working from a position of neutrality.
So I don’t expect to get any sort of definitive pronouncement on who’s right/who’s wrong. I think one of us would have to commit murder for our therapist to actually come down on one of us for hurting the other.
TL;DR: Husband told me everything about me is cumbersome out of the blue, and I believe he meant it. I don’t know what to do with his contempt.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
aethelstanstan wrote:
You cannot do anything about contempt. Contempt is like stage four cancer. When you get there it’s too late to treat the ailment. Contempt is a sure relationship destroyer.
fatscot wrote:
And contempt usually comes after failed attempts at communication. How often has he complained about your pickiness and you laughed it off?
OP responded:
Quite the opposite, actually. I know I do annoying things, but he just won’t talk about it. Our therapist says he is emotionally unavailable and I an am empath. So I’m practically begging him to open up to me, but it would seem by this comment that he just collects all the little things about me until the pile encompasses all of me, He would be the one to laugh it off rather than get too deep.
melancho_lee wrote:
I’d like to play devil’s advocate here and point out that he has been going to counseling with you for years – and until now you did not notice anything to suggest his recent comment? Perhaps you are challenging to be around? We’ve only heard your side of it…although I don’t agree with him bringing it up out of the blue like that.
But perhaps he himself did not realise it until he said it. Regardless, back to the therapist to figure this out. Try not to take it too personally until he has been given the opportunity to explain himself with an arbitrator (therapist) present. Some things must have set him off, this sort of exasperation does not happen for one reason. Good luck x.
OP responded:
I did mention I am challenging, like when finding a room. He’s got quirks too, but I’ve never placed his whole self-worth on the line for something similar, like how he doesn’t like having maids clean the room during our stay. I’ve never made the jump from quirky qualities to pronouncements on his overall value. It seems too full on attack mode to me.
melodic_result5116 wrote:
Maybe, if you’re keen to grow the relationship, it’s worthwhile getting curious about what’s behind this statement. Maybe it is just about acknowledging that it is hard sometimes to be in a relationship with someone with opposite personalities, maybe there is some middle ground to be found in certain behaviours. He needs to do some repair for sure but maybe there is a way through this.
OP responded:
All of this rings true for me. I think he’ll feel the same also. But wow, does it hurt in the meantime.
techno3613 wrote:
You should get the cart or bellman while he’s checking in instead of sitting there Luke a bump on a log. But yeah that was a real dick comment. There is definitely something about you he’s getting sick of.
I’d either confront him to air this out and resolve, or bring it up in counseling. Not the comment itself, but what is it about you he’s getting sick of. Maybe he’s on the spectrum and just bad at conflict resolution and talking about things that bother him in an inoffensive way.
OP responded:
We do it this way intentionally as we are travelling with a lot of expensive gear. It’s not so much bump on a log as it is him saying, you keep the car warm and your eye on all this while I check in and come back with a means of moving to where it needs to go. Yes, I really hope we can fix this. But it sounds bad to me.
separate-okra-2335 wrote:
This is a strange situation as he bought this up using this particular word which has nothing to do with you choosing a lovely room…(for you both). So I guess what I’m saying is that this needs to be brought up with your therapist, preferably a new one, as it sounds like he has been harbouring something…
I agree with the other posts. It’s really rather contemptuous to say such a thing and I fully understand why you feel a bit blindsided and hurt by this. I hope that this is something you can resolve going forward. All the best.
Aussiealterego wrote:
It sounds like you love him, but he barely tolerates you. His lack of remorse for calling you cumbersome is telling, he doesn’t care if it hurt you as long as your unhappiness doesn’t inconvenience him. I’d be shattered if my husband spoke to me like this.
The doubling down of “would it be better if I said everything about you is a pain in the arse” does sound like contempt, he had every opportunity to minimise the damage but instead decided to twist the knife and try to hurt you more. Either there is one specific thing bothering him and he’s taking it out on you, or he’s just a general arsehole. Neither of these options is acceptable.
heureuxaenmourir wrote:
Yes, contempt is the word I would use for this behavior.
